FLORIDA — At 9:25AM this morning, legendary professional wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage had a heart attack while driving and crashed into a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, but died of his injuries.

Savage’s birthday was November 15th — only one day after mine. He was a Scorpio too, which means that he was probably also a sexual deviant at some point in his life, as Scorpios tend to be.

Savage just celebrated his 1-year anniversary with his wife, who was also in the car when it crashed. Fortunately, she survived with only minor injuries and will recover (physically, at least).

I went on Twitter to see if “Randy Savage” was trending — it wasn’t, but “Slim Jim” was. Can you believe that shit? One of the most iconic entertainers of all time tragically dies, and everyone starts cracking jokes about the meat product that he endorsed. What a bunch of cold-blooded bastards.

That just goes to show that the majority of Twitter users are 13-year-old Jonas Bieber fans that have absolutely zero knowledge of 80s pop culture. The internet is now like a seedy motel and teenagers are the annoying cockroaches that infest it. The only way to kill them is to destroy their queen, Lady Gaga.