posted on June 27th, 2011 by Dustin at 6:41 pm (EST) with 1 Comment
FLORIDA — On Saturday morning, 54-year-old Eugene Hickman’s grandson caught him naked, on top of the family’s 3-year-old female bulldog, trying to have sex with it. His grandson must have loved the dog more than him too because he called the cops and reported what he regrettably witnessed.
When Hickman was questioned by the police about what his grandson saw, he didn’t deny anything. He told them that he knew it was wrong to have sex with dogs, and promised that he wouldn’t do it again.
The police were like, “No problem, we just wanted to hear you apologize. We’re going to leave now. Just kidding, sicko. You’re under arrest for felony animal cruelty.”
Hickman was taken to jail and the dog was turned over to animal control to be examined by a vet.
It’s difficult to tell from Hickman’s mugshot if he truly regrets his actions, but I zoomed in really close on his eyes, and they look more lonely than regretful — as if the dog was his longtime lover.
I juxtaposed photographs of Eugene Hickman and James Van Der Beek to prove my point:
By comparing Hickman’s eyemotions with Dawson’s, you can see that Dawson never loved a dog.
If I ever have grandchildren, I’m going to spoil the shit out of them because I don’t want them calling the police if I get Alzheimer’s (or drunk) and try to bang one of their pets. Just put me in a corner.