TEXAS — A 39-year-old woman’s vagina is in tatters after pushing out one of the largest babies in the history of the state. JaMichael Brown tipped the scales at a massive 16 lb 1 oz.

One explanation for JaMichael’s huge size could be that his mother was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which is when a woman exhibits high blood sugar during pregnancy. This causes the baby’s blood sugar to rise, giving it more energy than it needs to develop. The extra energy is converted to fat.

JaMichael is more than a soft mountain of baby fat though. His body is an incredible two feet long. Doctors were expecting him to be large, but even they were stunned when he flopped of the womb.

Doctors placed JaMichael, who was born one week early, on a ventilator to help him breathe. They are running tests on him to make sure that his blood sugar is at a safe level. The first few weeks will be the most critical, but both JaMichael’s mother and the doctors remain optimistic that he’ll be fine.

By now, you probably want your own giant baby, and want to know how you can give yourself gestational diabetes. Before you start fisting piles of brown sugar into your mouth, I have some bad news.

Unfortunately, it’s not good to have a giant baby because health problems can arise. When one of the world’s tallest women gave birth to the world’s biggest baby ever recorded, it died 11 hours after birth. The baby was measured at 30 inches long and weighed a staggering 23 lb 12 oz.

That was way back in the 1800s though, and the doctors delivered that enormous baby by wrapping a strong bandage around its neck and yanking it out of the mother’s crotch. Delivery methods have changed since then, but complications still arise with big babies — very commonly, shoulder injuries.

Imagine if your fetus was so big that doctors had to break its shoulder on your vagina walls, just so it could fit through the opening. Your only feasible choice would be to get a C-section, but nobody wants to have a permanent scar on them just because their baby was too big to fit through their vagina.

It’s far easier just to A) not get pregnant, or B) be a healthy pregnant mother and only have your vagina destroyed a little bit when you give birth to a normal baby, or C) smoke crack and have a preemie.

Sources: 1, 2