International Plant Appreciation Day is on April 13th, which is stupid because most plants haven’t even sprouted through the half-frozen soil by that time in Canada. I’m celebrating Plant Appreciation Day today instead. I have written almost a thousand articles, but none of them have been about my garden.

You wouldn’t know this by simply looking at me, but I have an epic garden. I call it the Chronicles of Narnia garden because every time I walk through it, a magical feeling overtakes me and I’m transported to a wondrous new dimension. Why wouldn’t I want to share that feeling with all of you?

My garden consists of four varieties of fruits and vegetables sparsely planted in strategic locations on my property. Sounds shady, I know, but it’s like that because the soil quality is terrible in my area.

Fruits and vegetables don’t like to grow in that kind of soil — no, not soil — baked clay resembling the charred grounds of Hell, but despite this major setback, I have created a lush oasis.

They say the secret ingredient to having a healthy garden is love, but you can go to jail if your neighbors catch you “loving” your garden too much at night. Plants need to be fertilized, but not like that.

I use human feces to fertilize my massive tomato bush. I can’t say who my fecal source is, but I promise it’s not from Uranus. In the photo below, you can clearly see my beautiful cherry-size tomato bush covering the entire corner of the deck. Next to it is a prime Chocolate Beauty pepper candidate.

When those tomatoes ripen, I will have three different kinds of miniature sweet tomatoes. I don’t really care about the pepper plant — it’s just there for decoration. I hate peppers unless they’re spicy.

Next up are my strawberries. The critters in the area can’t keep their grubby little claws off Sidecarsally’s strawberries. Strawberries are great for areas with poor drainage because they’re nearly impossible to over-water. They survived the most brutal winter I’ve ever seen too. Strawberries are also self-cloning plants — they send out little vine-like shoots called “runners” that take root and turn into full plants.

Below is a photo of my gorgeous blue ribbon-winning strawberries. The little ones are clones of the large mother that took root last year. This year, they produced about 11 tiny, sour ass berries.

As you can see, the earth around the strawberries looks like a nuclear bomb exploded nearby and scorched everything. When it rains, puddles form that would drown most other plants, but not these!

Next year, I’ll have twice as many berries as this year — that’s 22. Almost enough for a pie, bitches.

Speaking of berries, you’re going to shit yourself when you see my raspberry plants. My friend’s mom gave them to me last month because they were too awesome for her yard. They’re small, but don’t let the size fool you because in 10 years, these leafy fiends will big enough to produce fruit.

Ideally, I will end up with too many raspberries, which would force me to spend my days baking dozens of raspberry pies to throw at children as they walk home from the bus stop. Behold!

That may look like poison oak, but it’s a cluster of juvenile raspberry plants destined for glory.

That’s it! You have taken the official tour of my extensive botanical collection. You know what the hardest part about it all is? The stress. With such a fascinating feast of flourishing flora, there are constant intruders to worry about. Is my family safe when we’re surrounded by so much beautiful fruit?

A security system had to be installed because the neighbors would wander over at random hours and just start masturbating all over my garden because they were so enthralled by it. Can you blame them?

I’m not going to lie: You can aspire to have a garden of this caliber one day, but it probably won’t happen. My best advice is to pray a lot, use human feces, and move somewhere with good soil.

** Yes, those were all pictures of my actual garden.