KENTUCKY — The highly publicized lawsuit between a man and his urologist (dick doctor) ended today after jurors decided NOT to award 64-year-old Phillip Seaton $16 million in damages for having an inch of his penis amputated without his consent. Why? Because it was for his own good.

Seaton and his wife dressed in all black today, as if mourning the loss of the head of his penis that was removed by Dr. John Patterson. They were hoping to receive a large sum of money from Patterson, who was only supposed to circumsize Seaton and treat his penis for some inflammation.

Here’s the thing: If your penis is swollen, and it’s not because you have an erection, then you probably have a serious problem — and Seaton did. Patterson’s attorney said that the tip of Seaton’s penis was so infected with cancer that it looked like a piece of ROTTEN CAULIFLOWER.

At that point, Dr. Patterson had to make a choice: 1) Wait for the anesthesia to wear off, so he could inform Seaton that he had cancer and he would die if it wasn’t removed, or 2) Perform the life-saving operation and then break the bad news to Seaton when he woke up.

“How are you feeling, Mr. Seaton? The surgery went well, but we ran into some… complications.”

After the surgery, Seaton still had the rest of his penis — that is, until he had the rest of it removed voluntarily in a separate procedure performed by another doctor.

Since then, Seaton claims to be suffering from “loss of service, love and affection,” which is totally understandable, but it DOESN’T make sense to blame the guy who diagnosed his cancer and saved his life. So what if he wasn’t consulted about it first? That penis was inevitably comin’ off.

When the verdict was announced, Seaton’s wife appeared more distraught than he was. She was most likely weeping more for the loss of $16 million than for her husband’s junk. The couple hadn’t screwed in ages, otherwise the cancer would’ve been discovered before his dick turned to cauliflower.

This would be a lot more tragic if it had happened to a young man in his twenties, but nobody really cares about a 64-year-old man losing his old shriveled anteater to cancer, especially if he tries to get a huge payday out of it. Justice has been served and Seaton is counting his blessings, not dollars.

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