Do you hear that little raspy sound, like a balloon being deflated, or a queef?

That’s the last remaining breath of love between Heidi Klum and recording artist/model Seal dying. The couple is calling it quits after eight long years of “why the fuck is she with HIM?”

Seal can’t help how he looks. His scars were caused by lupus when he was young — contrary to what you’ve heard, he did NOT take a cheese grater to his own face.

But all kindness aside, we all know that Heidi Klum and Seal were a mismatch. Seal needs a woman that isn’t out of his league… someone like Juliet Lewis or maybe even Adele.

A lot of people wanted to see Klum and Seal’s jungle love flourish, but I was too jealous to ever feel that way. But the fact that Heidi was able to look past Seal’s appearance and love him for who he is INSIDE really made me think less of her.

Now that I finally have a chance to get with Heidi Klum, the real question is, after Seal has ripped her love muffin open repeatedly for the last eight years, do I REALLY want to?

Of course I do. Heidi, hit me up and we can bang like unsupervised retarded people.

Unfortunately, Heidi is on the cusp of being too old for me. I’m sure she’s got a few good years remaining before everything starts sagging, but would it really be worth throwing away my current life to pursue an aging supermodel? Again, the answer is yes. Heidi, I ain’t playin’. Holler at me.

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