This is the most fucked up thing I’ve written about since that one lady cooked her baby in a microwave.

Some redneck bastard in Arkansas bashed an innocent cat’s head in this week and scrawled “Liberal” on its body. The cat was not a Liberal, but its owner Jacob Burris is.

Burris is Arkansas Democrat Ken Aden’s campaign manager. Some local psychopath didn’t like Aden, so he decided to take his anger out on his campaign manager’s cat. Following that logic thus far?

Me neither.

One of Burris’s younger children found the cat on their porch with its head bashed in and the word “Liberal” painted on its fur. Burris probably decided it was best to blame it on Santa Claus, that way his child would be shielded from the harsh reality that there’s a potential serial killer in the area.

“Santa had the night off and decided to stop by and pet Fluffy a little too hard.”

The only thing that was accomplished through the death of Fluffy was thousands of internet readers and animal lovers lost a little more faith in humanity. Burris isn’t quitting his job as Aden’s campaign manager, and Aden sure as hell isn’t quitting his career in politics over a dead cat.

Burris is taking the cat killer’s message seriously though. “I’ve got a gun and I know how to use it,” he told reporters. “If I have to protect my kids, I’ll do it without hesitation.”

This is a prime example of why we should start teaching our cats self defense.

If there are any Liberal-hating cat torturers reading this, first of all, fuck you — and secondly, everyone knows the best way to piss off a Liberal is to smoke in a public place. Leave their cats alone.

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