After the review, don’t forget to check out my interview with the lead star of “Bleading Lady” — Dan Ellis!

BLEADING LADY (2011) AKA “Star Vehicle” Written & Directed by Ryan Nicholson

Every time I receive a screener for a new Ryan Nicholson film, I clear the next 100 minutes of my schedule and pop it in the DVD player immediately. If you handed me a DVD of his last film Hanger while I was holding someone’s baby, I would drop that baby on its head and grab a bowl of popcorn.

Before watching Bleading Lady, I heard that it wasn’t as depraved as Nicholson’s other films. I was pleasantly surprised, however, when several annoying characters were comically slaughtered Rwanda-style with a machete in the opening scene. I thought it was hilarious, but my Tutsi friends didn’t.

As the movie progressed, it developed into a more conventional plot-driven horror film with the most natural dialogue in any of Nicholson’s films yet. Despite the lack of penile mutilations, I was genuinely glued to the plot. Just when I started to forget that I was watching a Nicholson film, someone got decapitated. It was a good decapitation too — very graphic, with blood spraying all over the killer Don Cardini’s face as he gruesomely saws through neck tendons.

Don Cardini is played by the always-likable Dan Ellis. His bi-polar behavior makes his actions unpredictable in every scene. One wrong word about his favorite actress Riversa Red, and you could end up icing a lump on your forehead, or worse (dead). Don’t forget to read my interview with him.

Sadly, scream queen Candice Le didn’t make a return in Bleading Lady, but I hope she returns in future films because my erection misses her dearly. “I Miss You!” <-- my boner typed that.

I won't spoil the ending for everyone, but there are a couple twists — enough to keep it interesting!

BOTTOM LINE:

Overall, I enjoyed Bleading Lady because it provided me with some classic slasher nostalgia, and proved to me that Ryan Nicholson doesn’t have to rely on shock value to make a good movie. I am definitely looking forward to his next film, The Murder Mack. Some more nudity would have been nice, but then again, my thirst for nudity in film can never be fully quenched. I have a problem.

Add all of Nicholson’s DVDs to your collection. Seriously, all of them — buy them HERE.

AND NOW, A SIDECARSALLY FEATURE INTERVIEW WITH ACTOR DAN ELLIS! (10 QUESTIONS)

SIDECARSALLY: The man, the myth, the fucking psycho (on screen only) — Dan Ellis — the star of Hanger, Gutterballs, and Bleading Lady. I have some questions for you, Dan.

DAN ELLIS: OK, stab at it.

SCS: We are both Americans that moved to Canada. You’re from Ohio and Canada — the two most hated places by other Americans. First off, and be honest, which country do you like better in general?

DE: Hold up, man! Ohio kicks ass, and I doubt Canada is more hated by Americans than some other countries. But to answer your question, I was born in America — I served in its military and I’ve had some of the best times of my life there, so I would be hard pressed to choose any other as of right now. Don’t get me wrong — Canada is great, but I love where I’m from and there are good and bad about both.

SCS: Good answer, Dan. I love Canada more though because the weed is cheaper and they serve alcohol at fully nude strip clubs, which they don’t in most US states. Next question: A lot of your fans don’t know that before you butchered people on screen, you were in the military. Is acting something that you didn’t become interested in until after you were honorably discharged?

DE: The opposite, man. I started acting when I was about 10, but I had a pretty ugly experience with the political side of things when I was about 14 and it really turned me off. It had always been in the back of my mind as I got older, and I remember one day I was like, “What the fuck am I doing? I wanted to be an actor,” so I started trying to get my hands into whatever gig I could. I joined an improv group, did some plays, a couple student films and whatever I could find that had a spot I fit. Thank God I met Dan West and Rick Popko — they were doing an indie film called “Monsturd.” They offered me a part and that was what made me really remember how much I loved it and how much fun it could be! As long as I have been alive, acting is the only thing that I really truly loved doing (skateboarding was a close second) and I am going to try to spend as much of the rest of my life doing it as possible, so here we are.

SCS: Monsturd is still on my list of movies to watch, but it sounds awesome. Next question: Does your wife get grossed out by Ryan Nicholson’s films?

DE: She’s not really a horror fan, and I have spared her from “Hanger,” so what she has seen (“Gutterballs” and “Bleading Lady”) she’s been fine with. It’s the Asian hermaphrodite midget rodeo clown refluxophile porn that I make her watch that she has problems with. She’s kind of uptight sometimes.

SCS: You’re into that stuff too? I have a whole collection of AHRCR porn! At least she got to see the penile mutilation in Gutterballs. Next question: Your hair is extremely curly in Bleading Lady, but not in Gutterballs or Hanger. What magic is responsible for that?

DE: Car batteries, lots of car batteries… Nah, I got a perm and dyed it black . When I suggested it to Ryan I was kind of joking. I also wanted to do it, but when Ryan said “that would be killer man,” I knew we were doing it — and that was that. I love changing my looks, and this was a big one because I couldn’t just “take it off” when we wrapped! That perm and dye was waking up with me for a few weeks, and it fucked with my head at times seeing Don Cardini in the mirror like that. I idolized Lon Chaney when I was growing up, and watching his films I was always amazed at how he changed his appearance and did it so well — a true master — so I imagine that made an impression on me. If I was even 1/100th of the man he was that would be something.

SCS: A fucking PERM — I knew it! Most of my readers are too young to know who Lon “The Man of a Thousand Faces” Chaney is, but you’re right: Even if you were only 1/100th of him, you’d still have ten faces. Next question: Do you ever have dreams about executing people in horrible ways because you’ve done it so many times in your movies?

DE: Hell no, man. I love horror films, but the movies are where it ends for me. I’m a pretty even-keeled guy and when people start getting fucked up in my dreams, then it becomes a nightmare and I wake up all freaked out. I can’t even have a good fight dream anymore without the old “I can only move in slow motion” or “All my limbs weigh 15 tons” action, haha! I think if you start having dreams about hurting people, then maybe you just need a little sit down with someone.

SCS: Sleep-dream paralysis is a bitch of a whore. Seriously though, I dream about murdering people all the time, so I will take your advice and talk to someone about it. Next question: I’m sorry, but I have to ask this. What are your three favorite horror flicks that come to mind right away?

DE: This is never a fair question, man. Just off the top of my head: “American Psycho,” “2000 Maniacs,” and “Re-Animator.”

SCS: Your next Ryan Nicholson film is The Murder Mack, in which you sport a Nicolas Cage-type haircut. Tell me, what does the real Dan Ellis’s hair look like?

DE: Do you say Nicolas Cage because it’s fake or because of the style? Oh no I didn’t! *Evil laughter*

SCS: Nicolas Cage is to hair what Lon Chaney was to faces. While we are still on the topic of hair, would you mind telling me what kind of shampoo you use?

DE: It’s some “Mane & Tail” shampoo I get from the Co-Op up the street, and I’m starting to think you either want to be a barber, or you’re sweet on me!

SCS: I swear I haven’t been sending you those photos of me naked. Mane & Tail is shampoo for horses, but people use it too, and they also claim that it makes their hair grow faster. OK, last question: Are there any other projects of yours that you want to mention?

DE: I just finished a film called “The Hard Cut” and another called “I Woke Up Screaming the Day I Died,” directed by Vince D’Amato of Creepy Six Films — they should be released this year. Ryan and I are going to shoot “The Murder Mack” and we’ll get started on that one this year. Marcus Koch (“100 Tears”) and I have been trying to work on a project for a while now, so I hope to be doing something with him this year as well. Besides that, I’m pretty open for now, so I hope to squeeze in a few more!

SCS: Thanks a lot for answering my questions, Dan. I feel like I just interviewed Jason Voorhees, or Freddy Krueger, or Rosie O’Donnell (she terrified me as a teenager). I wish you the best of luck, and when you end up in Hollywood working along side of Tom Cruise, remember me.

Red Hill is a 2010 Australian neo-Western horror/triller film written and directed by Patrick Hughes. The majority of critics seemed to like it, so I decided to give it a chance.

I’m not going to beat around the bush with this: Red Hill sucked. Although it was directed well and the cinematography was pleasing to the eyes, the most important part — the STORY — was uninspired and terribly clichéd: A man breaks out of prison to get revenge on a town. Never heard that one before.

I first began to hate Red Hill after an armed man who had a clear shot on the killer didn’t take it. Rather than firing his gun from his hiding place, he sat there with a puzzled look on his face as if wondering what to do. Then, he left his hiding spot and got shot in the back as he ran away — FAIL.

Red Hill is one of those movies that is loaded with inept characters that constantly do the opposite of what a normal person would do in the same situation. I shook my fist at the screen out of frustration several times. On more than one occasion, armed men surrendered their guns to the killer, only to be shot in the face immediately after. The logic behind armed cops surrendering to a single man is baffling.

The killer in Red Hill is like Freddy Krueger without any of his magical powers or witty humor.

After watching a dozen hapless retards get killed by a man with absolutely no special abilities, I began to root for the bad guy instead. Unfortunately, there were no epic battles or elaborate death scenes, and very little tension, so it was quite boring to sit through — especially while getting a hand job.

I like a lot of action and explosions. The more explosions in a movie, the more explosions in my pants.

Without any significant scares, tension, or gore, Red Hill fails as both a thriller and horror film. I’d like to punch Patrick Hughes directly in his dick for making this movie, and then I’d like to dip my testicles in the mouth of any critic that enjoyed it. I should just spoil the ending for all of you right now, but I won’t.

I will say, however, that this movie would’ve been a lot better if EVERYONE in it died.

RATING: 2 out of 5 Frustrated Shaking Fists

127 Hours is a biographical adventure film based on the remarkable true story of Aron Ralston — a mountain climber and outdoor enthusiast. In 2003, Ralston was hiking in Utah when he got his arm trapped between a canyon wall and a boulder. His suffering lasted five grueling days.

First off, I must commend James Franco for his convincing portrayal of Aron Ralston. Ralston himself couldn’t have done a better job playing his own character. If you’re ever directing a movie about a man in peril, then James Franco is your man — if you have a couple million dollars to cast him.

Fortunately, the movie progresses through the 127 hours relatively fast.

Writer/Director Danny Boyle is no stranger to making awesome movies; Trainspotting and 28 Days Later are two worth mentioning. The cinematography in 127 Hours is pure eye candy. When given the opportunity to film in Utah, Boyle made sure to take advantage of the beautiful scenery.

There isn’t too much I can say to spoil the plot because the movie is as predictable as they come. The real Aron Ralston is still alive today, so he obviously survived being pinned by a boulder for five days — and it’s fairly safe to assume that he loses an arm by the end of the film.

What I liked most about 127 Hours is that I didn’t get bored watching a 90-minute movie that could’ve been completely described in 10 seconds. At first, I thought, “Oh great. Another full-length movie about a guy trapped somewhere.” The last movie I watched like that was Buried, and it was a piece of shit.

Fortunately, 127 Hours is superior to Buried in nearly every aspect — the one exception being that neither movie had any female nudity. I’m kind of a stickler for that kind of thing.

What made 127 Hours so intriguing is that it mainly focuses on the psychological toll of being helplessly trapped, rather than the physical pain. The viewer gets taken on numerous journeys into Ralston’s psyche to get a glimpse of how the human mind responds in situations of extreme peril.

You’ll be pleased to know that 127 Hours isn’t completely without some blood and gore. When it comes time for that, you’re in for a special treat. Two words: ARM TENDONS.

Aside from the lack of mammary glands, I have no complaints about 127 Hours. It’s an inspiring tale of courage and perseverance, and it taught me to always carry a gun when I go hiking, so I could blow my brains out if I got pinned by a boulder because there’s no fucking way I’d ever cut my arm off.

RATING: 4 out of 5 Severed Arms

Wow, what a massive load of HORSESHIT. There’s no way God wrote this. How did this catch on?

When it comes to movies, I only bother with two genres; horror and porn. Actually, three genres — I forgot about HorrorPorn. I’d rather have my cock stapled to the muzzle of a rabid wolf than watch The Notebook or Legally Blonde, unless there’s a boob scene and I can fast-forward directly to it. And it’s gotta be fully-exposed nipple.

The next movie to deserve a review from me is the Horror film The Human Centipede (First Sequence).

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) tells the story of a mad surgeon and his quest to create “Siamese triplets” by surgically connecting three humans from MOUTH TO ANUS.

Imagine three people on their hands and knees connected ass-to-mouth. From front to back, they will be referred to as A, B, and C.

Here’s how it all works: By connecting B’s mouth to A’s anus, A can shit into B’s mouth, slightly nourishing her with his feces. C is in the back with her mouth connected to B’s anus, so she is fed by the already-digested shit of both A and B.

Can a person survive on a shit diet?

Supposedly, by supplementing B’s diet and keeping C on an IV-drip, the human centipede could survive for years. Luckily, A can eat normal food because he leads the centipede, so his mouth isn’t sewn to anyone’s anus.

Director Tom Six worked on the film with a Dutch surgeon, who claims that the film is 100% medically accurate. I don’t know whether to be happy about that, or freaked out.

Boobs?

There is no shortage of breastacles in this movie. Both B and C of the human centipede are females with boobs, and the director took the liberty of keeping them topless for most of the film. Unfortunately, it’s hard to enjoy the eye candy considering the context it’s in.

The middle of the centipede (Ashley C. Williams) had a particularly nice rack, but after she got her mouth shat in, I found her a little less attractive.

Bottom Line

Just when you think you’ve seen everything, a film like The Human Centipede raises the bar for creativity (and depravity). There are definitely no other movies about a mad surgeon that goes around sewing lips to anuses and vice versa.

If bad acting bothers you, don’t worry because you won’t find any in this movie. When the front of the centipede shouted, “Shit, I have to shit! FORGIVE ME!” to the girl behind him, I really believed it was happening — especially when her eyes got really big.

The Human Centipede is one the best movies I’ve ever seen. I recommend it to everyone, even people that don’t have ass-to-mouth fetishes. Watch this movie TONIGHT.