Get ready for one of the most fucked up movies ever.

“Martyrs” is a French mystery-horror film directed by Pascal Laugier, and it’s much better than his previous film “Saint Ange,” or as I like to call it, “How Long Was I Asleep And Did I Miss Anything Good?”

Laugier (which I think is pronounced “LOOGEY-AY” in French) has really outdone himself with this movie.

The Plot

The movie is about an evil secret society that tortures young women for years until they either die, or reach a euphoric state where they can peer into the afterlife and report the experience.

It’s almost impossible to talk about the plot without giving away major parts, but within the first 15 minutes of the movie, a middle-class white suburban family gets brutally murdered with a shotgun in graphic detail and it only gets way more fucked up from there.

Boobs?

Yes, but by the time you get to see any nudity, the girl’s body is so bruised up that it’s literally impossible to masturbate to, even in slow motion — believe me, I tried. Also, her body was being suspended horizontally face-down at the time, so her boobs hung in a really awkward way.

Now that I think about it, despite the boobs, that scene wasn’t supposed to be sexual.

Edit: I forgot there is a naked anorexic ghost woman that appears in several scenes. I suppose necrophiliacs would particularly enjoy those scenes.

Pros and Cons

Pros: Despite the non-sexual nature of the boob scene, I’m gonna have to list “boobs” as a pro anyway. Also, this movie had lots of blood, a brutal head-smashing scene, a skinned-alive scene, and lots of senseless beatings of women.

Cons: Be prepared for not only having to listen to annoying French language for 100 minutes, but you’ll also have to read subtitles — unless you speak French. And I doubt anyone reading this is smart enough to know two different languages. Subtitles also make it hard to stay focused on important things in the movie like hard nipples and blood.

Bottom Line

I know I didn’t do that great of a job at selling this film — just know that if I get excited enough to put down my heroin needle and actually review a movie, you know it’s gotta be fuckin’ awesome. I don’t hop off the dark horse for nothin’, if you know what I mean.

Martyrs is extremely well-acted and the director did a great job of keeping the viewer on the verge of having a boner and vomiting at the same time for most of the film.

If you don’t watch this movie after reading this article, you might as well go and get a big vagina tattooed on your forehead because you are a pussy. If you’re a girl and don’t want to watch it, I understand completely — but you’d be total girlfriend material if you did.

“Martyrs” has ghost elements, extreme gore, boobs, and by far one of the most unique stories in any horror film. A lot of haters will say “All that violence isn’t necessary,” but nobody complained about all the unnecessary cock in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

If “Martyrs’” violence doesn’t suit you, that vagina tattoo certainly will.

I watched a film called Bad Biology last night, and now I must share the story of its awesomeness with you. Earth would be a better place if everyone bought this movie and learned from it. It’s about a boy with a giant mutant penis and a girl with seven clits.

THE PLOT

Driven by biological excess, a young man and woman search for sexual fulfillment, unaware of each other’s existence. Unfortunately, they eventually meet, and the bonding of these two very unusual human beings ends in an explosive and ultimately over-the-top sexual experience, resulting in a highly entertaining love story. [1]

THE GOOD STUFF (SPOILERS)

Jennifer is a violent nymphomaniac who makes a living as a photographer. Throughout the day, Jennifer gets so uncontrollably horny that she is forced to masturbate — that’s because she has seven clitorii in her vagina and can enjoy seven times the pleasure.

At night, Jennifer goes on the prowl for men at bars and nightclubs. She’s a decent-looking blonde, so it’s easy for her to find a guy to fuck. Occasionally, she will murder them after.

Here’s where it gets weird. After unprotected sex, Jennifer almost instantly starts having labor pains. Within hours, she gives birth to a fully-developed hideous mutant baby. She promptly discards the screaming bloody miscarriages in the nearest garbage.

Jennifer giving birth hours after sex. This happens more than once in the movie.

Jennifer’s “condition” has made finding love difficult for her. Some guys don’t seem to mind her mutant gash, but the constant abortions are a real deal breaker for most. She becomes infatuated with another man when she discovers that he also has a dark secret…

Batz has a walloping mutant zombie penis from the 5th dimension. When he was born, the doctors removed his penis instead of his umbilical cord by mistake and it never really worked right again — until he began injecting growth hormones directly into it.

The injections caused a massive growth spurt in Batz’s member and it gained its own consciousness, allowing it to communicate with him through telepathy.

Each day is a daily struggle for Batz — Man Vs. Meatsword — and his constant need to ejaculate pushes his sanity to its limit. He is obviously not the right combination for Jennifer, but all she can think about is being ravaged by his prehistoric shaft.

Fed up with Batz’s attitude, his manhood decides to detach itself from him and go on a midnight rape spree. Later, Jennifer discovers the detached dong suffering from steroid-withdrawal and juices it back up so she can ride it into orgasm heaven.

Jennifer finally experiences true pleasure for once, but at what cost?

THE “OMFG YES” MOMENT (SUPER SPOILER)

After the final climax, the shriveled, lifeless mutant penis is expelled from Jennifer’s body, and then her labor pains begin. She dies abruptly and everything is silent for a few seconds — until a deformed human-penis baby emerges from her womb and runs away.

The End.

THE CONCLUSION

Vaginas with seven clits, detachable mutant cocks, and human-penis babies — these things are essential to film like beer and porn is essential to humans (men) for a tolerable life. Every movie I watch from now on is gonna suck unless it contains one of those three things — or boobs, obviously. I donated $5 and a copy of this DVD to the Red Cross.

Sources: 1

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I don’t usually write movie reviews; you know why? Because I’ve never seen a movie as awesome as Ryan Nicholson’s new masterpiece Hanger. If you find yourself on a constant search for the most offensive, shocking horror film ever made, Hanger is your Holy Grail.

This ain’t no Disney movie, it’s better.

Truth be told, I didn’t want to review Hanger because I couldn’t find the right words to explain how it changed my life. Everyone I’ve spent time with since November has been forced to watch this movie, and now I’m going to force you to read about it.

The main plot: An aborted baby survives and seeks bloody revenge on his mother’s killer.

Leroy, a cold-blooded pimp, is displeased that one of his whores is very pregnant with a customer’s baby. When he catches the whore hiding money from him, Leroy kicks her in the uterus and exclaims, “Your baby ain’t shit!” — Pause for laughter.

Tired of the abuse, the whore decides to pack her shit and leave the fabulous life of prostitution behind her, but she doesn’t get very far because Leroy is waiting for her in the bedroom. Bending a wire hanger in his hands, Leroy shouts, “Lay on your muthafuckin’ back, bitch!” and then whips her across the face with the hanger.

Rose the whore, moments before Leroy the pimp rips her cooter out.

Leroy proceeds to give the woman a coat hanger abortion in extremely graphic detail, while appropriately saying to himself, “This is some fucked up shit!”

Leroy dumps the fetus in the garbage after taking a guess at its weight. A homeless man discovers the crying fetus in the trash and cares for it like a father.

18 years later, the now-grown fetus (aptly named “Hanger”) has blossomed into a young man with a bloodlust. The bum hands over custody of Hanger to his biological father, who reappears to take his son on a vengeful killing spree against Leroy and his whores.

Let the bloodbath begin!

Hanger, known in real life as Nathan Dashwood.

The characters:

Hanger boasts a slew of interesting characters including Russell, a facially-deformed Asian guy with a penchant for used tampons, and Phil, a homosexual rapist. Russell and Phil are co-workers at the recycling center (garbage dump), along with Hanger.

The talented Dan Ellis is cast as Hanger’s father John, a lovable hardass who doesn’t mind smashing an innocent hooker’s head to bits just because she wouldn’t fuck his son. In one scene, John murders a whore by shoving a douche nozzle up her nose into her brain.

The boner-inducing secretary Nicole is played by the lovely Candice Le, who has a hard time keeping her panties on in this film. Candice, if you’re reading this, your vagina is so perfect that I want to learn how to play piano and then write a song about it.

“Hi Nicole, I just came in to stare at your ti… I mean take out your trash.”

The conclusion:

I’m not a professional film critic, so I don’t use smart words like “vapid” and “insipid,” but Hanger is neither of those. Nearly every line of dialogue is fitted with some sort of sarcasm, vulgarity, or perverted sexual humor — and there’s nothin’ wrong with that.

As if you can’t already tell, Hanger is the best movie ever made. In fact, Ryan Nicholson is now my favorite filmmaker of all time. Hell, I’d drop to my knees and gobble a wad of his babyglue for a cameo in one of his films, and I’m not even gay. You hear that, Ryan?

Hanger is by far more offensive than any other movie before it. Abortions, tampon tea, anal rape, cannibalism, and awe-inspiring vaginas are only a few of the reasons to watch Hanger. If I had to describe this movie in only three words: Death, vagina, perfect.

I highly recommend for everyone to buy this movie on DVD immediately. Even if you’re not a fan of horror films (or violence in general), you will enjoy this movie. Why? Because if you don’t, then you’re a uptight, humorless asshole with no friends — or a woman.

Bonus: Be sure to check out Gutterballs and Live Feed, two of Nicholson’s previous films. Gutterballs is a fantastic bowling alley slasher flick with a bowling pin rape scene, more of Candice Le’s vagina, and an ultra realistic-looking penis mutilation!

I’d like to thank Ryan for giving me a chance to review this movie. Best movie ever, seriously.

Quality Comments: “I forced my girlfriend to watch this movie with me and she almost broke up with me, but it was worth it of course. Best movie in the world.” — Matsu

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