Actor Corey Haim died of an accidental drug overdose today. He was 38-years-old and one of the best child stars of the ’80s. The problem is, it’s also the 70th birthday of legendary God Chuck Norris. Chuck was drinking his 70th birthday manshake when he heard the news, and it put a spoil on his whole day.

Both Chuck and myself have been fans of Corey Haim since 1986 when we saw the movie Silver Bullet together — our favorite scene was when Corey shot a bottle rocket into the werewolf preacher’s eye. Remember that, Chuck?

As an outspoken anti-drug Christian, Chuck Norris hates all the pharmaceutical companies cashing in on the misery of depressed Americans. That’s something he can’t stop by himself.

Chuck Norris had big plans for his 70th birthday. To prove that he’s completely unaffected by advancing age, he was going to fight seventy other 70-year-olds at the same time, while simultaneously catching falling babies from a burning building.

But ultimately, we both decided it would be insensitive to have that much fun on the same day as losing our beloved Corey Haim to drugs.

Instead, we have decided to provide Sidecarsally readers with Chuck Norris-certified alternatives to dangerous life-raping prescription drugs:

Ritalin: Hang a menacing poster of Chuck Norris in the room with a hyperactive child to calm them.

Anti-depressants: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Viagra: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Obesity medication: The Chuck Norris Total Gym.

HIV medication: It’s probably best just to adhere to your usual prescription regimen.

What a bi-polar day, huh? RIP Corey Haim and happy birthday Chuck Norris. Oops, I meant to wish you a happy birthday first, Chuck — please don’t kill me.

True Fact: Chuck Norris plays Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on his Playstation 4.

Guy #2: “Holy shit, that sucks. I hope everyone’s alright there.”

Guy #1: “You dumbass, fuck those people — the news is reporting a massive tsunami heading to the coast of pretty much every country in the fucking world, bro. More people are gonna die!”

Guy #2: “Fuuuuck, dude. What should we do!?”

Guy #1: “Let’s turn on CBS and watch the shit smash Hawaii into a million pieces.”

*** 3 HOURS LATER ***

Guy #1: “Ah, that was a great dump I just took. I didn’t hear you shout for me, so I assume I didn’t miss any tsunamis smashing into Hawaii. Any updates?”

Guy #2: “You were in there for 45 minutes — I thought you fell asleep on the shitter. Nah, the ocean level raised a few feet, but that’s it. And what’s worse, they’re calling THAT a tsunami.”

Guy #1: “I guess technically a 3-foot wave can be a tsunami if it really was caused by the earthquake, but that’s bullshit! I can’t believe I wasted three hours on that.”

Guy #2: “Are you upset that you didn’t get to see a bunch of people die? I thought you just wanted to helplessly witness the raw power of nature live on CBS.”

Guy #1: “I’m not a fag like you, man. I don’t get my jollies from stormy weather and butterflies and shit. I like death and people scrambling for their lives while being ripped away from their loved ones by a big fucking wave.”

Guy #2: “You should just hang out at Rosie O’Donnell’s pool in the summer then.”

Guy #1: “Oh snap, you’re bad.”

Guy #2: “Just shut up and fuck me already.”

So what does a man do when his mind is filled with images of mistreated children and mentally-ill drug addicts on violent PCP binges? He finds a secluded beach and tans for a few hours. So that’s exactly what I’ve been doing — and it feels fucking great.

Yes, this is really me on a private beach wearing my famous (in Europe) speedo. I rule.

I have to wear a speedo because it constricts my massive erection and prevents it from forming a tent-like structure (as it would in trunks), which would cast a shadow and disrupt my frontal tan pattern. I’ll be heading home once the horny group of nubile women around me diminishes a bit (you can’t see them from that angle in the picture above).

In the meanwhile, post a comment below and I might check it after I get back from shark hunting tomorrow. But not typical shark hunting — I’m talkin’ about riding on a shark’s back while it kills another shark underwater. Me and Manny “Sharkman” Puig invented it.

He’s not really that tall — I was kneeling next to him. His head really is that big though.

While shark hunting is extremely dangerous, the biggest threat to a man in the ocean is having his cock bitten off by a sea turtle. They may appear like peaceful creatures, but behind their placid eyes roam vicious cock-biting thoughts.

The reason you’ve never heard this is because most men who get their dicks chewed off by a sea turtle end up getting savagely torn apart by sharks immediately after. I know a guy who once saved a drowning sea turtle by removing it from a fishing net. After he was free, the turtle turned right around, looked him in the eye and said, “Fuck you!”

But enough about turtles and sharks. I’ll be resuming regular updates soon.

This is a reverse male-to-male hug as seen in Brokeback Mountain. This is not a proper hug.

A legitimate hug must be performed in close proximity with another person, and it should feel natural. If your gut is telling you not to hug someone, you probably shouldn’t because they might notice your awkwardness and fear of touching them. True Fact: Fear can cause men to get unwanted erections which can turn awkward hugs into felonies.

There are two main scenarios involving hugging someone while sporting a boner: Accidental and intentional. Each situation must be handled with delicacy to be successful.

ACCIDENTAL BONER HUG

Sometimes a person will catch you off guard with a hug while you’re daydreaming about Hillary Duff and Megan Fox taking a shower together, and then BAM — you’ve got wood and didn’t know until it was too late. What do you do when your stiffy stabs someone?

1) First, try to play it off as if your penis was perfectly soft to begin with. Maintain eye contact with the person and watch their body language closely; everyone reacts differently the first time they hug a dude with a raging hard-on. This passive response will diffuse 99% of accidental boner hug incidents.

2) If the person takes offense to your organ, they are now considered a victim. Get out of the room quickly and keep your head down.

You may decide (for whatever reason) to intentionally hug a person while a boner lurks in your pants. Should you keep it a secret and then share the story later with friends, or jam it into your partner with brute force? I will discuss both methods.

INTENTIONAL BONER HUG

1) “Jenny! I haven’t seen you in forever. You look great! Gimme a hug you silly bitch.” *DOINK!* “Haha, you feel that? I totally hugged you with a boner, and I’m pretty sure you liked it. Let’s get out of here and go back to my place and bone.” — this was a true story.

You must be at least somewhat attractive to pull this off, or have a seriously impressive rod. But don’t abuse the power — no one likes a bragger.

2) If utilized correctly, the method above can also be used in a romantic setting — nothing says “I care” like your fully engorged shaft pressing against her. She’ll be jackin’ your beanstalk in no time.

Not everyone is an exhibitionist though. Most people prefer to keep their meat a secret.

SECRET USES FOR YOUR JUNK

Crop-dusting is the art of rubbing your erection on as many people as you can in a crowded area without being discovered. It is important to keep moving as you weave in and out of a concert audience, crotch-first. Pat a person on the opposite shoulder as you pass behind them, touching your crotch to their backside in the process.

A legendary crop-dusting move involves brushing the bursting crotch of your pants across the back of someone’s head while shuffling down the aisle of a theater.

This man was arrested during the show when his zipper pulled a woman’s wig off.

Society tends to look down on people who derive please from scandalous acts — sexual deviants is another word for them. But without these people jerking off outside our windows, I wouldn’t have any DNA to plant at the scenes of my own crimes.

Your erection can get bring you great success or great failure. It can land you in stare-offs or make-outs, film or prison. But usually, it leads you back to the free clinic for an STD test.

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THE PLOT

Driven by biological excess, a young man and woman search for sexual fulfillment, unaware of each other’s existence. Unfortunately, they eventually meet, and the bonding of these two very unusual human beings ends in an explosive and ultimately over-the-top sexual experience, resulting in a highly entertaining love story. [1]

THE GOOD STUFF (SPOILERS)

Jennifer is a violent nymphomaniac who makes a living as a photographer. Throughout the day, Jennifer gets so uncontrollably horny that she is forced to masturbate — that’s because she has seven clitorii in her vagina and can enjoy seven times the pleasure.

At night, Jennifer goes on the prowl for men at bars and nightclubs. She’s a decent-looking blonde, so it’s easy for her to find a guy to fuck. Occasionally, she will murder them after.

Here’s where it gets weird. After unprotected sex, Jennifer almost instantly starts having labor pains. Within hours, she gives birth to a fully-developed hideous mutant baby. She promptly discards the screaming bloody miscarriages in the nearest garbage.

Jennifer giving birth hours after sex. This happens more than once in the movie.

Jennifer’s “condition” has made finding love difficult for her. Some guys don’t seem to mind her mutant gash, but the constant abortions are a real deal breaker for most. She becomes infatuated with another man when she discovers that he also has a dark secret…

Batz has a walloping mutant zombie penis from the 5th dimension. When he was born, the doctors removed his penis instead of his umbilical cord by mistake and it never really worked right again — until he began injecting growth hormones directly into it.

The injections caused a massive growth spurt in Batz’s member and it gained its own consciousness, allowing it to communicate with him through telepathy.

Each day is a daily struggle for Batz — Man Vs. Meatsword — and his constant need to ejaculate pushes his sanity to its limit. He is obviously not the right combination for Jennifer, but all she can think about is being ravaged by his prehistoric shaft.

Fed up with Batz’s attitude, his manhood decides to detach itself from him and go on a midnight rape spree. Later, Jennifer discovers the detached dong suffering from steroid-withdrawal and juices it back up so she can ride it into orgasm heaven.

Jennifer finally experiences true pleasure for once, but at what cost?

THE “OMFG YES” MOMENT (SUPER SPOILER)

After the final climax, the shriveled, lifeless mutant penis is expelled from Jennifer’s body, and then her labor pains begin. She dies abruptly and everything is silent for a few seconds — until a deformed human-penis baby emerges from her womb and runs away.

The End.

THE CONCLUSION

Vaginas with seven clits, detachable mutant cocks, and human-penis babies — these things are essential to film like beer and porn is essential to humans (men) for a tolerable life. Every movie I watch from now on is gonna suck unless it contains one of those three things — or boobs, obviously. I donated $5 and a copy of this DVD to the Red Cross.

Sources: 1

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A quick search of Bosch’s home uncovered a digital scale and five ounces of weed hidden in his trashcan. He was arrested and charged with marijuana trafficking, tampering with evidence, and possession of drug paraphernalia. Win.

I know that most of my readers are heavy drug users, so all of you can learn from this.

This may seem like a crazy piece of advice, but if you are a drug dealer and someone robs you, do not call the police and report it — they will want to enter your home and “talk.”

When a cop enters your home for whatever reason, they are looking for one thing: drugs.

Drug dealers need to accept the fact that they will be victims of crime themselves occasionally. There are three things a drug dealer can do to minimize the chances of this:

1) Get a guard dog. Nothing welcomes an intruder like an abused Rottweiler that hasn’t been fed a pair of human testicles this week. Hang a sign on your front door that says, “I love my Chihuahua” for an added surprise. Be warned, the dog may eat your stash.

2) Re-locate. This seems like the most logical solution, but it’s also a lot of hassle. On the plus side, you might be lucky enough to find an apartment next to the local high school. That wasn’t supposed to be a statutory rape joke — high school kids just love weed.

3) Don’t be such a pussy. A 12-year-old Macaulay Culkin fought off two adult burglars in Home Alone — and that movie was based on a true story. He called the police by the end of the movie, but he wasn’t a fuckin’ drug dealer, so it made sense.

Furthermore, if you have large amounts of drugs or money sitting around in your home, you should also have a naked woman with a gun in plain view at all times.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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An important safety rule to remember when sledding is never wear a helmet — they obstruct your view. Also, if you see a person in your path, head straight for them. Chances are, you can injure them and pretend it was an accident. Life is about opportunities.

Men are genetically designed to abuse speed — velocity, not diet pills; that’s more of a woman thing — so the next level of speed-sledding involves strapping a rocket to a sled.

Rocket sleds require their own set of safety rules — for protection, hockey pads are totally unnecessary because they increase wind resistance (and decrease top-speed). Never wear them unless you actually enjoy looking like broke-ass Stormtrooper wannabe.

This is the proper way to rocket sled — notice the lack of troublesome “safety” features.

There are many different types of rocket sledding techniques. I prefer to secure a rocket directly to a reinforced steel sled because if I’m not wearing any body protection, I still want to be safe. The other method involves securing a rocket to your own back — naturally, this is a terrible idea. But it didn’t stop one Michigan man from trying it.

MICHIGAN – A 62-year-old man was hospitalized with severe burns Sunday after he attempted to rocket sled with a homemade jetpack rocket strapped to his back.

The unnamed man was hosting an annual sled party for his friends — he’s known to do something “crazy” every year. This year he filled a car muffler with gasoline and gun powder, strapped it to his back, and exploded half-way down the hill.

Witnesses were shocked. Nobody expected container of gas and gun powder to explode.

The man burned 20% of his body, including his face, but is in stable condition now. Clearly, the accident was caused by the wind resistance created by his jacket. Perhaps he should retry this stunt again next year, but use two rockets for more power, and wear a unitard.

Good thing it doesn’t snow a lot in the south because this would happen daily in Florida.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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My midget has a very simple job, and he fucked it up. Did you know Charlie Sheen got arrested for assaulting his wife with a knife on Christmas? I didn’t. Normally, I would have released the dogs on my midget for letting that whopper slip by me, but he informed me that Sheen appeared in court today to be charged. I suppose my midget can live.

COLORADO — Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller were seen leaving an Aspen courthouse Monday, holding hands and smiling. One might think they just won a big lawsuit, but nope — Sheen was charged with three felonies for assaulting her.

On Christmas, Mueller told police that she threatened to divorce Sheen and take their twin sons with her. He replied by brandishing a knife and saying he could have her killed. Notice the clever use of words — he did not say “I will kill you,” but merely imposed that the possibility of her having an “untimely death” was in his hands — which is still a threat.

Sheen’s charges include felony menacing, assault, and criminal mischief. Apparently, only gangsters in movies can get away with threatening a hit on someone.

Sheen denies holding a knife to his wife’s neck, but admits to smashing her eyeglasses and “slapping her arm.” Smashing her glasses was a proper battle tactic, but arm-slapping? Replace that with a tit-slap and you’re onto something, Charles.

This isn’t the first time Sheen has terrorized a woman. In 1990, he accidentally shot actress Kelly Preston in the arm with a gun — she married John Travolta a year later (fail). Sheen was also charged with threatening his ex-wife Denise Richards with violence in ‘97.

But despite her husband’s death threats, Brooke Mueller wants the charges dismissed. “They hugged in the courtroom, they hugged downstairs and they are hugging in the car,” her attorney told reporters. I’m sure it was a real Jim Beam and Kodak moment.

If convicted, Sheen faces prison time and whatever else a person usually gets for felony menacing and assault — I forgot how long they locked me up for it.

Sources: 1, 2

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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Rather than spending his wages on a babysitter, Chen chains his son to a lamppost.

Despite the fact that some most people consider this blatant child neglect, there are several benefits of chaining your child to a lamppost outside a Beijing mall.

1) One less mouth to feed. Face it, it breaks peoples’ hearts to see a starving child on the street. Eventually, someone will give that kid some food, then you won’t have to.

2) Possible fighting career. When this kid grows up, he’s going to be a martial arts champion. Chuck Norris also spent his childhood chained to a lamppost in Beijing.

3) Bait. Like a worm on a hook for fishing, a baby chained to a lamppost is impossibly tempting for wild animals and child molesters alike. “Tonight, we eat coyote!”

4) Tetherball. If your baby doesn’t survive the winter chained to a lamppost, the least you can do is have some fun with it before the funeral. Get the neighborhood kids to join!

Besides, if chaining your kid to a lamppost is so “bad,” why hasn’t anyone stopped it?

Personally, I would choose a babysitter over a lamppost. I can’t have sex with a lamppost.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “You can have sex with a lamppost, just cut some holes.” — Bill

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MICHIGAN — 32-year-old Norma Lira has three children with her husband. When her teenage daughter brought a male friend home one day last year, Norma was attracted to the new young man. “I’m gonna end up blowing that kid,” she thought. So she did.

Admit it: Slap some real eyebrows on her and you’d tap it.

Norma tried to hide the secret from her husband, but most women are emotional wrecks and it’s easy to read them. Her husband knew something was wrong, and (hopefully) beat a confession out of her. Afterward, he called the police and reported her crimes.

As of yesterday, Norma was being held at Oakland County Jail on a $50,000 bond, “after she turned herself in following a month-long investigation.” Her arraignment was set for today, but no updates have been posted.

Fun Fact: If you rearrange Norma Lira’s name, you get Roman Lair.

There should be a prison built specifically for MILFs like this. The MILF prison would have special cameras installed in the showers and toilets. The inmates would be forced to maintain their “hotness” through rigorous diet and exercise — and they would have to be naked all the time. They would also be forced to MILF Fight.

In a MILF Fight, I would pit Norma Lira against Michelle Kemp, a 30-year-old MILF from Florida who was charged last year with having sex with a teenager and giving him drugs.

Michelle Kemp, lookin’ good in stripes. My boner says, “hi.”

I’m shocked there isn’t MILF prison in existence already, especially in this day and age when all good ideas are taken. I nominate myself to be the warden of this facility if it ever gets built. I also forgot to mention all the MILFs have to share one bed — with me.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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