As far as I’m concerned, everything that comes out of Stephen Hawking’s electronic voice synthesizer is infinitely more truthful and relevant than anything that has ever been recorded in scripture. In his newest book The Grand Design, Hawking states that God did not create the universe out of wad of pubic hair and oatmeal like we all thought.

His body may be paralyzed, but Hawking is a master at making silly faces for the children.

In the 1980’s, Hawking accepted the possibility that God created this whole mess. He wrote: “If we discover a complete theory, it would be the ultimate triumph of human reason – for then we should know the mind of God.” However, after decades of a rare technique called “rational thinking,” Hawking has changed his mind — something that rarely occurs.

Hawking began to doubt the intelligent design theory in 1992 when astronomers discovered the first extrasolar planet — a planet that orbits a different star than our own sun. Since then, over 490 other planets orbiting other suns have been discovered. “That makes the coincidences of our planetary conditions – the single sun, the lucky combination of Earth-sun distance and solar mass – far less remarkable, and far less compelling as evidence that the Earth was carefully designed just to please us human beings,” he writes.

“Because there is a law such as gravity, the universe can and will create itself from nothing… Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist… It is not necessary to invoke God… and set the universe going.”

Hawking in Space — An upcoming motion picture by Rob Zombie. Rated NC-17.

Most Sidecarsally readers probably can’t even tie their own shoes, let alone understand advanced astrophysics theories, but that’s why I’m writing about it in layman’s terms. Check it out: Gravity = No God. There are some other factors, but the gravity thing is really important. Dammit, I don’t think I’m doing a very good job at explaining this.

OK, fuck everything that Stephen Hawking says about extrasolar planets and gravity. It all comes down to SPONTANEOUS CREATION and whether or not it’s possible, which it is. We have known this since 1798, when the first spontaneously-created animal was discovered in the most Godless land of all — Australia. This is a platypus:

A platypus is not the result of a beaver that raped a duck ten million years ago. Also, God did not create the platypus out of a bunch of spare animal parts. The truth is, the platypus just happened one day, therefore, God isn’t necessary in creation. The end, I win.

Sources: 1

On Friday night, Cooke was lowering a basket of french fries into a deep fryer when he noticed a co-worker drop some bacon on the ground. Instead of discarding the dirty bacon, the co-worker put it on a customer’s sandwich. This deeply troubled Cooke. If he waited to report the co-worker, there’s no telling how many other pieces of bacon would be tainted.

No. This had to stop now. Cooke pulled a small knife on the co-worker and threatened that he’d better put more love into food preparation. The co-worker got the message loud and clear, but the police did not — they arrested Cooke and charged him with breach of peace, assault, and reckless endangerment. Apparently it’s illegal to pull a knife on someone.

Cooke was released from jail later that night, and was still wearing his work uniform when news cameras captured him leaving the police station. Unfortunately, he didn’t answer any questions, or say anything awesome like, “The bacon is safe once again.”

The other guy’s story

The “victim” claims that Cooke didn’t threaten him because he served dirty food. He alleges that Cooke attacked him because he was preparing a chicken sandwich wrong.

Either way, Derron Cooke has anger management problems. For $7.50 an hour, I wouldn’t care about anything at work, especially a stranger’s food. Every time I go to Wendy’s, I already assume that some asshole in the kitchen sprinkled pubes on my burger.

That’s why I never go there.

Bonus: FOX CT correspondent Jennifer Lahmers covered this story. I hadn’t heard of her until today, but I’m pretty sure that she wants to have sex with me.

Sources: 1

After a brief investigation, it was concluded that 23-year-old Campbell had gotten drunk at a concert on the evening of August 12th, returned to work the same night, and shot the server himself. That’s right, believe it or not, a random stranger wasn’t responsible at all.

Despite his incredibly witty story, Campbell was charged with felony criminal mischief, carrying a weapon while under the influence, public intoxication, and lying to police.

“I can’t believe the cops didn’t believe me,” he thought. “Surely people get assaulted and drugged all the time in this city, and have their weapons stolen and their workplaces vandalized by the same guy that mugged them. Man, it took me so long to come up with that.”

There are far more discrete ways to destroy a business server without using a gun. Simply remove the two sperving bearings that run in a direct line with the panametric fan. Optionally, you could disrupt the processor by bending back the base plate of prefamulated amulite and then striking the surmounted malleable logarithmic casing with a hammer.

Just kidding, I don’t know shit about computers. I just use them to masturbate.

Sources: 1, 2

Spence damaged his right eye with a gun when he was younger, and after multiple surgeries on it throughout his life, doctors finally advised that he get it removed.

“We did all we could, but you should seriously just take that thing out,” they said.

Immediately, he thought of implanting a bionic eyeball that could record all of his memories. “Fuck this useless eyeball,” he said. “Take it out. I’ve got something better in mind.”

After working with a team of volunteer engineers from Australia, it took only 3 months to build the first prototype “Eyeborg.” Since then, Spence has been posting all of his blowjobs online having a great time. He’s even working on a documentary using the eye footage.

Spence often takes his eye out to scare the neighborhood children.

The robot eye is made up of a “1.5mm-square low-resolution video camera, a round circuit board, a video transmitter and a three-volt rechargeable battery, all contained in the clear acrylic used to make prosthetic eyes.” Unfortunately, it can’t see through clothing… yet.

The quality of the footage is comparable to a typical phone camera used by regular perverts. Nipples look highly pixelated, and the further the lens is from a vagina, the uglier it looks — it’s usually the other way around in real life.

While Spence denies any plans to use his robot eye for voyeuristic purposes, we can pretty much assume that he is completely lying about that. But hey, I won’t mind just as long as he upgrades to a better camera soon. I’m not going to pay a subscription to a porn site with low-quality cell phone videos unless the chicks are so ugly that it doesn’t matter.

In the future, everyone will have robot eyes and the government will be able to patch into our video feeds and spy on our daily lives. We should all just kill ourselves now.

Source: 1

Autumn’s mate was also injured, possibly trying to defend their three little offspring. Luckily, he will survive to care for them — or maybe he will just take off and never talk to them again or pay child support. After all, it’s not like they can do anything about it.

Swans are not without their natural enemies. Among them are skunks, owls, bears, foxes, coyotes, and me (when I’m drunk). However, it seems unlikely that an animal would decapitate a swan, but not eat any of the flesh. That seems more like something a troubled teenager with bad parents and no friends would do.

Residents are convinced that Autumn Grace’s death was caused by a depraved animal torturer because this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Rabbits with missing heads have also been found in the neighborhood, and another dead swan was found a couple years ago with a blood trail leading back to its nest.

In my opinion, I’d say this was a classic animal gangland assassination. I think Autumn Grace was involved in some shady waterfowl activity. Or maybe her mate caught her having sex with a duck — that would be enough to drive any swan temporarily insane.

A cheating swan? That’s ridiculous. I’m sticking with animal gangland assassination.

Sources: 1

1) I found pictures of Tila Tequila performing topless on stage moments before the mob of juggalos chased her and security into a trailer. You know you want to see boobs.

As for the second reason, there isn’t one. “Boobs” is the only reason I need for anything.

As you can see in the photos above, Tila had not been struck in the face with anything prior to going topless. It wasn’t until she exposed her tits that the situation grew too dangerous to perform. It is a very rare phenomenon for naked breasts to fail at putting a smile on a man’s face, and even more rare when a violent reaction occurs.

I spent hours trying to figure it out: “Why did the juggalos get more violent when Tila’s jugs came out? It just doesn’t make sense.” With no answers in sight, I tried to imagine myself as an angry juggalo — still nothing. Finally, I went on Youtube and watched a Tila Tequila music video. All of a sudden, everything was clear to me.

Have you ever actually heard a Tila Tequila song? I didn’t think so. I have though, and I regret it more than anything I’ve done in a long time — and I do a lot of regretful things. I once let fire ants crawl into my peehole, and pissing them out didn’t cause as much pain as that Tila Tequila song did to my ear drums. I actually contemplated suicide.

Imagine if Ke$ha sang a rap song while getting gang banged by a Nickelback cover band. Meanwhile, a drunk Paris Hilton, suspended in the air by a harness, is shitting on all of them from above and recording the sound on her iPhone with the T-Pain auto-tune app.

It’s seriously that bad. And if you don’t believe me, the photo below is final proof that even tits can’t save Tila Tequila’s music career. Still though, I cant help but think that she would’ve gained some juggalo respect if she had put some clown makeup on her nipples.

The juggalos displayed a powerful immunity to naked female breasts.

Editor’s Note: I had nothing to do with the censored nipples in the bottom photo.

Update: A reader name Andrew submitted this video from Newsky.com. It explains how Tila was warned that an attack on her was imminent, but she refused to withdrawal. Watch the video, and try not to be bothered by the stench of desperation.

pp

Multisource political news, world news, and entertainment news analysis by Newsy.com

ILLINOIS — On Saturday, hundreds of annoyed concertgoers attacked Tila Tequila during a performance, hurling everything from rocks to human feces at her. She was injured after getting struck in the face numerous times and had to be whisked away by security before she was stoned, raped, and beaten to death by a bunch of juggalos.

Tila is now threatening legal action against Psychopathic Records, organizers of the annual Gathering of the Juggalos festival — the festival she was performing at that night. In addition to suffering cuts and bruises, her SUV windows were smashed out.

According to Tila, the crowd was hostile toward her before she even got on stage. Once everyone knew who the performer was, they made it clear that she wasn’t welcome. But rather than canceling the show for her own safety, she got on stage, took her shirt off, and heckled the crowd for several minutes while the items thrown at her got bigger.

Secret: I added the facepaint to the guy on the right. He looks way more like a juggalo now.

“You guys are all drunk as fuck and I love it,” she shouted into the mic. How dare she? Juggalos don’t get drunk — they drink Faygo. She should have done her research first.

Moments later, people were scooping shit out of the portable toilets and flinging it on stage. Throwing your own shit is typically a sign of insanity, but throwing someone else’s shit… it takes pure hate to do that. That’s how much the crowd hated Tila Tequila.

“She was taunting them,” a witness said. “She didn’t know how to handle the crowd.”

Searching desperately for a real fan amongst the sea of juggalos, but having no luck, Tila fell back on her most basic survival technique — showing her tits. When that failed, she was utterly confused and crestfallen. Her tits had never failed her before.

By this point, Tila was visibly bleeding from her face. Security was eventually overcome by the juggalos, and she was chased topless backstage. “Perhaps I should not have come to this place,” she thought to herself in a wise English accent.

Method Man is also threatening legal action against Psychopathic Records. He too was showered with objects during his set at the festival, and continued to rap despite visible wounds on his face. He maintained some dignity by keeping his shirt on the whole time.

“Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit!” Unless it’s just a solo member, then go ahead.

Tila Tequila probably deserved every rock and piece of excrement that was thrown at her, but what happened to her wasn’t totally fair… to us. I demand the juggalos pay dearly for their actions — or should I say lack of action. Seriously, how hard could it be for a few people to push past security and toss a 90-pound Asian girl to the wolves?

The world came very close to getting rid of Tila Tequila, thanks to the juggalos, but all I’m hearing are complaints about them. If anything, this has changed my mind about juggalos. I think I might actually start hanging out with — LOL JUST KIDDING.

Police are reviewing video evidence from the festival, trying to figure out who threw the rocks and bottles. The suspect they are looking for is a person with a stupid-looking haircut and face paint, which coincidentally is the description of everyone at the festival.

I think we should all just let this one go.

Sources: 1, 2

Gorillas age faster than humans. Their lifespan is only 30-50 years, and Samantha was only 37-years-old — still in the prime of her life. If she was a human woman, she would be about the same age as Samantha Jones from Sex and the City.

Source: 1

“The grass down there will break my fall,” thought Boobie. Less than a second later, he was laying on a slab of green painted concrete with two broken legs. No wonder nobody ever mowed that part of the lawn — Boobie just thought it was magical grass.

Despite being seriously injured, Boobie was attempting to crawl away from the scene when police arrested him on the ground. An ambulance took him to the hospital where he was treated for compound fractures to both legs and other injuries.

Child-support evasion is just another charge to add to Boobie’s lengthy criminal record. With 80 criminal convictions ranging from assault to invasion of privacy, he serves as a supreme example of everything that is wrong with America’s legal system. I fully support due process, but after 50 convictions, a person should be lobotomized and castrated because they clearly have no value as a functioning, reproducing human.

Boobie is due back in court on October 19th. Until then, he will be waiting in jail, completely free on his own recognizance and trying real hard to make another baby.

Maybe if there weren’t so many people in jail and prison for shit like marijuana possession, there would actually be more room for real criminals and deadbeat overpopulators.

Just a thought.

Sources: 1

Bernard Howell, 26, is a lot like that little kid in The Sixth Sense — he sees dead people. And by “sees,” I mean “has sex with.” Surely, you’ve heard a girl use that term to avoid sounding like a slut: “I’m seeing a few different guys right now.” We know what you do.

WASHINGTON — On Sunday, someone called the Thurston County Sheriff’s Office and reported a suspicious vehicle with a dead passenger in the front seat. Shortly after the call, deputies pulled Howell over because his vehicle matched the description. In the front seat was a dead woman in her 50s wrapped in a sleeping bag.

“Hold on, I know what you’re thinkin’,” said Howell, “but I didn’t kill this lady. I found her body and just wanted to save the family on funeral expenses. You know, handle things myself. I did have sex with her corpse though. I thought maybe you should know that, in case you check.”

He was arrested and charged with 1st degree theft and 2nd degree manslaughter, but the report mentions nothing of Howell being charged with necrophilia, which is a Class G felony in Washington. Investigators said the victim suffered intentionally inflicted wounds, so it’s not likely that she died of natural causes or that Howell “just happened to find her.”

However, if his story turns out to be true, then Howell should move to a state where necrophilia is legal. There are 31 states where it’s perfectly legal to knock back a cold one, and drink a beer while doing it. That’s right, there is no federal law against fucking dead people because that’s something each individual state should be able to decide.

Meanwhile, it’s illegal to urinate in public EVERYWHERE. Who makes these fuckin’ laws?

Source: TheWeeklyVice.com