Some redneck bastard in Arkansas bashed an innocent cat’s head in this week and scrawled “Liberal” on its body. The cat was not a Liberal, but its owner Jacob Burris is.

Burris is Arkansas Democrat Ken Aden’s campaign manager. Some local psychopath didn’t like Aden, so he decided to take his anger out on his campaign manager’s cat. Following that logic thus far?

Me neither.

One of Burris’s younger children found the cat on their porch with its head bashed in and the word “Liberal” painted on its fur. Burris probably decided it was best to blame it on Santa Claus, that way his child would be shielded from the harsh reality that there’s a potential serial killer in the area.

“Santa had the night off and decided to stop by and pet Fluffy a little too hard.”

The only thing that was accomplished through the death of Fluffy was thousands of internet readers and animal lovers lost a little more faith in humanity. Burris isn’t quitting his job as Aden’s campaign manager, and Aden sure as hell isn’t quitting his career in politics over a dead cat.

Burris is taking the cat killer’s message seriously though. “I’ve got a gun and I know how to use it,” he told reporters. “If I have to protect my kids, I’ll do it without hesitation.”

This is a prime example of why we should start teaching our cats self defense.

If there are any Liberal-hating cat torturers reading this, first of all, fuck you — and secondly, everyone knows the best way to piss off a Liberal is to smoke in a public place. Leave their cats alone.

Source: 1

That’s the last remaining breath of love between Heidi Klum and recording artist/model Seal dying. The couple is calling it quits after eight long years of “why the fuck is she with HIM?”

Seal can’t help how he looks. His scars were caused by lupus when he was young — contrary to what you’ve heard, he did NOT take a cheese grater to his own face.

But all kindness aside, we all know that Heidi Klum and Seal were a mismatch. Seal needs a woman that isn’t out of his league… someone like Juliet Lewis or maybe even Adele.

A lot of people wanted to see Klum and Seal’s jungle love flourish, but I was too jealous to ever feel that way. But the fact that Heidi was able to look past Seal’s appearance and love him for who he is INSIDE really made me think less of her.

Now that I finally have a chance to get with Heidi Klum, the real question is, after Seal has ripped her love muffin open repeatedly for the last eight years, do I REALLY want to?

Of course I do. Heidi, hit me up and we can bang like unsupervised retarded people.

Unfortunately, Heidi is on the cusp of being too old for me. I’m sure she’s got a few good years remaining before everything starts sagging, but would it really be worth throwing away my current life to pursue an aging supermodel? Again, the answer is yes. Heidi, I ain’t playin’. Holler at me.

Photo credit: 1

The ugly, smug-looking bitch in the photo above is Behnaz Yazdanfar, an ex-cosmetic “surgeon” who recently had her license suspended for two years after she killed someone back in 2007.

Yazdanfar killed Krista Stryland during a routine liposuction procedure in 2007. The maximum volume of fat and fluid removed should never exceed 5 liters, but Yazdanfar removed 6.6 liters from Stryland.

After the procedure, Yazdanfar spent about 30 seconds evaluating Stryland before moving on to another patient. Stryland bled excessively for 30 minutes in a pool of fluids before Yazdanfar called 911.

While doctors rushed to save Stryland, Yazdanfar went to dinner with a colleage. “I think I just killed a lady,” she said. “That always puts me in the mood for Thai.”

Stryland died in the hospital with her hemoglobin count ten times lower than the usual critical level.

She was a wife and a mother of a small child.

Yazdanfar was accused of many things from not evaluating Stryland long enough after the operation to waiting too long to call 911. Simply put, Stryland would not have died that day if it wasn’t for Yazdanfar.

Lawyers were hoping that Yazdanfar would get her license revoked forever, but the Ontario College of Physicians and Surgeons decided instead to suspend her certificate for two years and fine her $200,000 — none of which will be given to Stryland’s family.

Yazdanfar is prohibited from ever operating alone again, but she can pick up the knife in two years and assist with surgeries. She can also apply to have her restrictions loosened, but will have to prove that she’s not an ignorant careless bitch anymore.

Stryland wasn’t the only patient’s safety that Yazdanfar didn’t respect. She’s been accused of performing many excessive liposuction procedures and discharging patients without an adequate evaluation.

Basically, if you’ve ever been to the Toronto Cosmetic Clinic (the clinic that Yazdanfar owned), you might want to book a follow-up exam with a real surgeon.

The Good:
If you make the poor decision to drink and drive, and you end up running over a pedestrian and killing them, you will go to prison for years. That seems fair to me.

The Bad:
Within a year, we’ll have mandatory prison sentences in Canada for people who get caught growing or selling cannabis. Some assholes agree with that, but I don’t.

The WTF?:
If you’re a rich doctor that commits serial malpractice which leads to the death of a patient, you get a little slap on the wrist and get to carry on with your life, minus a few restrictions at work.

Hopefully, I’m not the only one that realizes that our justice priorities are fucked in this country.

On the plus side, Yazdanfar will probably do cosmetic work for really cheap when she gets her license back. I think I’ll pick her to be the lucky one that gets to bleach my anus.

If you know Adam and Jamie, then you probably know their three assistants too: Douche guy, Asian guy, and hot/slutty redhead. They design and perform all the mythbusting experiments while Adam and Jamie relax in comfortable chairs somewhere.

Despite dozens of dangerous experiments, the Mythbusters crew maintained a flawless safety record for over 8 years. Yesterday, a 30-pound cannonball tore a massive hole through that record.

Douche and Asian guys had just finished giving each other handjobs while thinking about the hot/slutty redhead on Wednesday. As they simultaneously ejaculated into each other’s mouths, the redhead was the only one outside setting up the cannonball experiment — huge mistake, letting a woman set up a cannonball experiment by herself.

I don’t know if that dual-handjob part is accurate, but somebody definitely aimed the cannon too high. The projectile was supposed to fire from the cannon, through several drums of water (to slow it down), through a concrete wall, and then imbed itself into a hillside.

What happened instead was the cannonball missed the water drums, smashed through the wall, and then bounced off the top of the hill, which sent it flying 700 yards off course.

The cannonball bounced off one home’s roof, then smashed through another family’s home, exited through an upstairs window, and came a rest after hitting a parked van.

The family inside the damaged home was sleeping and didn’t awake until the dust had already settled. This clearly wasn’t their first cannonball attack.

The Mythbusters’ insurance will cover all expenses resulting from the mishap, and Jamie and Adam met with the family to apologize and sign autographs. “Sorry that our assistants almost murdered your family — here’s our signatures!”

The cannonball episode will still be aired, but the mishap will most likely appear as a blooper on next season’s DVD. I can’t wait to see the look on the Asian dude’s face when the cannonball misses its mark — Asians never make mistakes!

This morning, I got to work, poured a cup of coffee, and sat down to enjoy my day. My chi was nearly centered when “Rolling in the Deep” came on at 8:59am — one minute before my work day began.

I sell cars, so I decided to go sit in a 2012 Dodge Journey and enjoy the heated leather seats and satellite radio instead of Adele. I tuned it to the one station that I knew wouldn’t be playing Adele — the Disney station. Immediately, Justin Bieber’s “Under the Mistletoe” started playing. Nice.

I relaxed and enjoyed the smooth tones of Biebers boycal chords until the song was over. Expecting some Selena Gomez to play next, I almost shat myself when the next song was “Rolling in the Deep.”

Even worse, the dickholes at Disney CENSORED the song’s lyrics. The phrase “fever pitch” was inexpicably edited to “fever fever,” along with another non-vulgar, non-suggestive phrase.

I’m not even going to bother investigation Disney’s censorship guidelines, but I would like to know why, with the countless child artists and Disney movies with musical sing-a-longs, would Disney play Adele.

There has to be some kind of conspiracy directed specifically at me led by Columbia Records. I must be part of a secret case study to see how much Adele I can listen to before turning murderously violent.

Either that, or there’s a separate conspiracy going on where everyone else is retarded, and I’m the only person that realizes that Adele is being grossly overplayed.

If Adele ate a hamburger for each time a radio station played one of her songs, there wouldn’t be any cows left on the planet… except for Adele. Even Adele is probably sick of hearing Adele.

OMFG as I began writing this paragraph, Adele’s “Someone Like You” just came on the radio, further validating my rant. This shit needs to stop, or else I’ll have start looking for Xanax on Craigslist again.

Please call your local radio stations and tell them to chill out on Adele.

Michael Schmidt, an Ontario dairy farmer was fined $9,150 for selling unpastuerized milk to people. Although his milk didn’t cause any injuries, it’s illegal to sell raw milk in Canada.

Michael Schmidt — Canadian Milk Martyr

The government doesn’t want dairy farmers selling raw milk because of the risk of it containing E. coli, salmonella, and listeria. Makes sense right? You know what else has the risk of being contaminated by E. coli and salmonella? Pretty much everything. The government is just being bossy.

And check out this hypocrisy: It’s legal to give raw milk to your family, but you can’t sell it to your neighbor. Guess how many farming families died from consuming raw milk: None.

You’d be more likely to get sick from drinking contaminated water than hygenically produced raw milk. The government should totally make water illegal because of the risk.

Michael Schmidt is defiant of Canada’s anti-milk laws though. At his sentencing Friday, he held up a glass of raw milk and made a toast to the judge’s decision, vowing to appeal it. He also refuses to pay the fine, saying: “I’d rather go to prison… If I pay the fine, then this is almost like an admittance of guilt.”

Schmidt was charged with violating the Health Protection and Promotion Act and operating a milk plant without a license. The charges stem from way back in 2006 when Schmidt’s dairy farm was RAIDED.

Raw milk farms are to Canada what meth labs are to Kentucky.

If you want to sell raw milk, it won’t bother me — but operating a milk plant without a license is a different story. All milk plant operators are required to take a milker’s ed class and pass their milk test.

CBC.ca held a reader poll which asked if Schmidt’s fine was too harsh and 80% of the voters said yes. Also, 92% of people voted “yes” when asked if the sale of raw milk should be legalized in Canada.

It’s so hard to feel like an adult when the government is like a bitchy overprotective mom.

Fun fact: It was ILLEGAL for any store to be open on a Sunday in Canada until the mid-1980s.

Canada sounds fun, eh!?

Pilot Greg Gribble was manuring (not maneuvering) a helicopter to set up a Christmas tree in the capital city of Auckland yesterday when a steel cable got caught in the rotor causing the aircraft to violently smash into a support beam and crash to the ground.

Luckily, nobody was hurt. Well, one man working on the ground near the tree was treated for minor injuries, but since the original article didn’t even mention his name, he really must be a nobody.

The pilot was thrown halfway out of the chopper, but only suffered emotional injuries.

Aside from birds, cables and electrical wires are pretty much the only thing you need to be aware of in a helicopter. Birds will get shredded in a helicopter rotor, so even they aren’t a big concern.

If you look closely at the video, you’ll notice several steel cables. This was just a bad idea to begin with. I wonder if New Zealand knows that there is a much safer way to erect a Christmas tree.

Admittedly, I am an asshole too, but I’m trying to change. For example, I hate protesters that stand outside abortion clinics with huge photos of dead babies. I’m not crazy nuts about abortion, but if somebody wants to have one, go for it. If YOU don’t like it, don’t have one.

This is legal, but protesting about the government in a park is not.

Another example is the Duggar family. There was a time when I used to pray every night that Michelle Duggar’s vagina lips would permanently seal themselves together overnight so she couldn’t have another kid. The only way she’d stop is if God did something like that.

Lately, I’ve been trying to only give a shit about things that personally affect me. Michelle Duggar can have 20 more kids if she wants, just as long as I don’t ever cross paths with any of them. Hold up as many abortion posters as you want, as long as none of them are photos of MY aborted baby.

Eat as many double cheeseburgers and pizzas as you want. I won’t care until the day you topple over and your fat ass crushes me and I have to eat my way out.

Occupy a park or street as long as you goddamn please. I may not understand your exact reason for doing so, but I get that you’re unhappy enough to neglect everything and protest about how shitty things are. I admire that kind of perseverance.

When is the last time you’ve seen so many people huddle together outside for more than 24 hours? Best Buy’s Black Friday sale doesn’t count, dick.

The Occupy movement is the only movement of its kind in recent history that I personally remember. I’m sure there have been others like it, but this one is significant because it’s not localized to one area — it’s fackin’ EVERYWHERE and has been going on for months.

People are getting sick of the protesters though — especially people who aren’t worried about the world’s financial future. “Get a job,” they say. “You don’t even have a clear message!”

Despite myself NOT being a protester, I can read the message loud and clear: People are unhappy. Unhappy about what, I have no idea, but if you think a million people gathered around the world and spent months living in tents together for NO REASON, then you’re an idiot.

The failure to empathize with the Occupiers has led to court-ordered evacuations of many Occupy camps, despite every citizen having the right to protest.

These aren’t just a few PETA protesters being pushed aside though. These are normal people that have vast networks of friends and family.

If you really want the protesters out of parks, you should form your OWN protest and make it big enough to oust them. People aren’t doing that though. Instead, they complain to the government, which doesn’t have to protest to make changes — the government does what it wants to do.

It takes a million people protesting in unison to make major changes, but it only takes one judge’s decision to crush that protest before it gains momentum. After listening to several complaints for and against the St. James Occupy camp in Toronto, a judge ordered it to be evacuated today.

The main argument against the camp was that the GRASS in St. James Park was ruined by the protesters. The already dead grass’s safety ultimately came before the human right to protest.

That decision didn’t sit well with me because it’s fucking GRASS and can easily grow back next year, but if these protester’s are ignored, some of them may not even live to see next year.

The judge gave another bullshit reason for ending the protest too: If one group of protesters is allowed to take over a park, then ALL the parks in the WORLD could be taken over by other protesters. Imagine taking a peaceful stroll through and gazing at the colorful posters in Pro-Life Park.

Because, you know, that would actually happen.

CBC.ca posted a poll that asked if you agree or disagree with the judge’s order to vacate the park. I was shocked to see that 65% of people approved of the decision to trample their very own rights, just because they weren’t exercising them at the time.

Let’s hope none of those 65 percenters ever have to protest about something. Actually, let’s hope they do, then let’s hope they get pepper sprayed.

It’s frustrating enough to watch the government shit on our liberties, but even worse to see the public majority stand behind them and support the decision to oppress their friends and neighbors.

“If I don’t share your problems, you shouldn’t have the right to bring it to my attention.” — Asshole

Tell me, am I plunging deeper into my own know-it-all ego, or do I have a point?!

A lying whore named Mariah Yeater recently accused the Biebz of getting her pregnant in a backstage bathroom after a concert.

Due to the nature of men, I couldn’t fully dismiss the allegations — so I waited.

It’s entirely possible for a famous pop star to meet a girl backstage and bang her, but Justin Bieber ain’t no Gene Simmons — he has standards. As soon as I saw a photo of Mariah Yeaster, I knew that she was lying.

Bieber wouldn’t tap that. Well, not sober.

The Bieber baby rumors can finally be laid to rest today because a friend of Mariah Yeaster sent TMZ text messages that implicated her in a scheme to extort some of Bieber’s cash.

The texts said stuff like “please stress to Robbie how important it is for him to be in his son’s life.”

Other texts from Yeaster asked the friend to delete previous conversations from her mom, and she even offered to give her friend money for keeping quiet once she reached a settlement with the Biebz.

The texts were sent to Beiber’s lawyer and there is no chance of Yeaster getting a dime.

Yeaster accused Bieber of fathering her baby exactly two years after Karen Sala of Ontario accused Keanu Reeves of the same thing. He was cleared after a DNA test.

Looking back on this, I’m embarrassed that I ever believed even 1% of Yeaster’s story. Justin Bieber still has at least another year before his testicles mature enough to produce semen.

This image is a dramatization.

You’ve probably never heard of Stayner or Aurora, but the name of the town shouldn’t matter. If 1,500 turkeys died in a fire in Toronto, it wouldn’t be any less tragic than 1,500 turkeys dying in Bumfucksville.

The two towns are 60 miles apart, and there’s no reason to believe that the fires were related, but how could they NOT be? First of all, they were both fires. That’s a pretty big relation.

Secondly, the two fires occurred within 24 hours of each other. That’s more than enough time for some crazy PETA member to light a fire, travel 60 miles, and then light another fire.

I can picture their hypocritical arsonist face right now: “I’d rather see these cows and turkeys BURN than have them milked to death and slaughtered for Christmas! FREEDOMMMMM!”

As the stupid PETA arsonist tossed the torch into the second barn, an ember fell onto his filthy hippy dreadlocks and instantly engulfed his head in flames. He burned to death among the livestock and that’s why there was no evidence of arson found.

Well, at least the evil PETA extremist that most likely caused all this carnage is dead and can’t harm another asparagus again, but that doesn’t make this story any less sad.

You’re probably thinking, “Since the turkeys and cows were cooked in a fire, can’t you just cut them up and eat them, or sell them to McDonald’s?”

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just toss a living animal into a blazing inferno and then eat its blackened body. These are civilzed times… kind of.

Rest in peace fellow fallen fowls and crispy cows.