One teenage girl who isn’t amused by the feeling of an ominous presence living next to her is Jenny Ballhair, from Sydney, Australia. I made up that name to protect her identity.

Jenny was molested by her neighbor when she was 12-years-old. The man fully served a five year prison term, but two weeks ago, he moved back into his old house next door.

Naturally, Jenny is displeased about this.

“When I’m here (at home) I stay in my room and I don’t talk to anyone. Every time I hear the front door it’s like, ‘Who’s there?’,” she said.

You know, I feel the same way whenever someone comes to my door too. One time, I was positive that an army of bloodthirsty midgets were on my porch. I hid under the bed for four days and had to drink my own urine to survive. Turns out it was just a few Girl Scouts selling cookies. Had I known that, I would’ve answered the door naked.

Mmm, yeah I’ll take a box of Tagalongs, and two boxes of Samoas.

No, but seriously, this shit is fucked. What kind of a dickass molests a kid, let alone moves back in next door after being released from prison? Are there no such thing as restraining orders in Australia?

If it were up to me, the perverted neighbor would be castrated and lobotomized before being released from prison. Psychology has shown that sex offenders are generally untreatable. Whatever kind of weird shit arouses a person cannot be changed. A man can’t force himself to give up vagina in order to start enjoying a dick sandwich just for the fuck of it. Your boner has a brain too and it’s way more powerful than the one up top.

Paris Hilton was born in the doggystyle position.

You know, I don’t really hate Paris. I’m just jealous of all these other guys. It’s like every time I see my window of opportunity to get a date with her, I don’t even have time to check my e-mail before she’s got a new penis in her mouth. When’s it going to be my cock’s turn?

Paris actually managed to stay monopenis for about nine months this time around. So who was this latest guy anyway? Psh, none other than Benji Madden - guitarist of Good Charlotte. If you don’t remember Good Charlotte, they were popular amongst 13-year-old girls back in 2001. Benji also has a defunct clothing line (MADE Clothing) that used to be sold in high-fashion stores like Hot Topic (lol).

Only guys in pop-punk bands can get away with wearing shit like that.

Benji Madden is a has-been, and an ugly one at that. Awhile before that, it was Nick Carter. Are these the kind of guys you like, Paris? Psh. I take back all those times I tugged it to your porno with Rick Salomon. I’m too good for you.

This type of behavior is a red flag for further problems down the road. That’s right, it’s not normal to stab someone in the eye with a pencil when you’re six.

Get help, kid.

The most interesting crime happened last Friday. While I was celebrating my birthday in Canada, a woman in Florida was driving down Interstate 95 and arguing with her boyfriend - the passenger. The 19-year-old boyfriend got very angry and did what any sensible person would do; He hit his girlfriend in the face with a submarine sandwich. The blow from the tasty-baked bread was so powerful, the poor girl’s glasses fell off and she almost crashed. The car was littered in lettuce and green peppers. A mayonnaise-covered pickle dripped from the window. It was a massacre.

“I swear to God, one of these days…”

The boyfriend was later arrested on domestic battery charges. He posted the $7,500 bail and is currently free to assault more people. So umm, if you live near Port St. Lucie, stay alert for an angry-looking teenager eating a hoagie. Then laugh at him for being a dickass.

Before you’re like, “Aww, poor deer,” think of this: deer really aren’t that great.

If you’ve ever killed a deer (or a human), you get this huge rush of adrenaline after pulling the trigger. This was what Edward was experiencing as he ran through the woods, tracking the dead deer. When he found it, he was so excited that he fired his gun in celebration.

That celebratory shot was a bad idea. The bullet wasn’t fired straight up in the air, so it whizzed through the forest and through a nearby trailer home. 16-month old Charly Skala was struck in the upper body by the bullet and later died in the hospital. Edward is being held without bond for second degree manslaughter. New York law states that hunters must be over 500 feet away from a residence when discharging a firearm. In this case, Edward was 400 feet from the trailer home.

Part of me wants to feel bad for Edward because of the fact that this was a genuine accident. Yes, this truly must really suck balls for old Eddy. However, it’s common knowledge that celebratory gunfire must be directed at a 90 degree vertical angle upwards. A bullet free-falling at terminal velocity would leave a lump, but Mythbusters proved that it wouldn’t kill a person. Maybe if Edward would’ve watched that episode of Mythbusters, that little girl would still be alive.

Edward Taibi; doesn’t watch Mythbusters.

I can officially start using the word “meh.” Dictionary publisher HarperCollins has announced that they will be adding “meh” to their 30th anniversary edition, due out next year.

Thousands of 13-year-olds who spend their lives online use this word all the time, although I often see it used incorrectly. Meh is an expression of indifference or boredom. For instance:

“Hey John, I fucked your mom last night. Meh.”

The “meh” at the end of that sentence helps to emphasize to John that fucking his mom wasn’t really all that great.

An incorrect example of using the word “meh,” is:

IM from LipstickBarbieGrrrl: “OMG mah bf got meh backstage passes to Nickelback.”

First of all, what the fuck is wrong with you? Nickelback is one of the shittiest bands ever to shit in my ears. Secondly, “meh” takes more letters to spell than “me,” so why not just spell it correctly? If you spell like this in online conversations, it’s not cute. It makes you look like a dickass.

Maybe next year HarperCollins will listen to my requests to add “dickass” to the dictionary.

I wasn’t even drunk yet.

Saturday night, The All-American Rejects had just played a show down the street, so they came out after and even let us drink on their tab. I’m an opportunist, so I took full advantage of this.

One thing I learned in elementary school, don’t act more drunk than the people who’s tab you’re drinking on. It’s disrespectful and makes you look like a cheap asshole, and a drunk. Luckily, Tyson from AAR set the bar pretty high, so I was free to get hammered.

I’m a lot taller than it looks. I just couldn’t stand by this point.

All in all, I’d say this was one of my best birthdays ever. I got a new coat, my car insurance went down, I peed on a few people, and smoked a massive amount of wee… cigarettes. Thanks to everyone who came out or sent me birthday wishes!

That completely explains how I don’t have it. I went through a really bad hooker fucking/strangling spree in the 80’s and should statistically have the virus by now.

This is great news for everyone! Condoms are now a thing of the past. Ladies, next time you’re with a dude and he tries to put on a condom, call him a pussy and then inform him about the cure for AIDS. Guys, next time a lady asks you to use protection, just say, “Pshh. Baby, I am protected.”

Stem cells are very funny little guys.

Of course, pregnancy would still be an issue, but abortion clinics are everywhere these days. Plus, at the rate people are having abortions these days, isn’t about time you had one?

So, go now! Share needles with your druggie friends. Have unprotected anal. Drink human blood. It doesn’t matter anymore. AIDS is cured!

I don’t want to sound like a dick, but it’s probably a good thing that Paula Goodspeed is dead. With those crazy braces on her teeth, sooner or later, she was absolutely going to tear through some poor guy’s cock like a chainsaw. Even FOX’s subtitles agreed with me:

And since I’m trying to be a nicer person, I have to end this article by saying at least one nice thing about Paula Goodspeed.

UPDATE: It has been confirmed that Paula Goodspeed did commit suicide via overdosing on prescription medication. Furthermore, this was actually the second time Goodspeed had overdosed in front of Abdul’s house. Last year, cops unfortunately found her body in time to save her. Well, kudos for doing it right this time!

Already in position to be taken advantage of.

So you’re not an alcoholic, but you’re a drunk. That’s like saying, “I don’t have AIDS, I have HIV. AIDS is more gross.” OK, that may be true, but HIV is no laughing matter either - unless you don’t have it lol.

They say that acloholism runs in the family. That appears to be true for a certain Indiana family. Early Saturday, an Indiana State Police officer pulled over a 24-year-old woman and arrested her for a DUI. The woman also had her 1-year-old son in the minivan with her.

The boy’s father arrived later to get his son, but was also noticeably drunk and promptly arrested for a DUI.

Next on the list of relatives to pick up the boy were his grandparents. When they arrived at the police station, they had both also admitted to drinking very recently. The grandmother was under the legal blood alcohol limit, so she was allowed to drive the child home.

Man, I’d love to see what this family looks like. The grandma sounds kind of hot. No, but seriously, every person should be allowed at least one time in their life to drive as drunk as they want - even if there’s a kid in the car. Wait, I used that joke yesterday in the “Urinating Councilman” story :/

I can assure you that the man wasn’t holding a fish before this photo was edited.

While we’re in the political spirit since the recent election, I thought I’d write another story about a Jersey City counsilman - Steven Lipski, 44.

Steven was arrested at a Washington DC nightclub on Friday night after nightclub security spotted him urinating down on several concert-goers from a second floor balcony. I must admit, the thought of doing that has crossed my mind several times, but I’ve never been drunk enough to actually do it. Steve apparently was.

Lipski, posing happily for the camera.

According to an NJ.com source, Lipski is a regular jackass when he drinks, and he has had behavioral problems at the same nightclub before. I think I need a guy like this in my crew.

To Steve’s defense, I think everyone should be allowed at least one free pass to urinate wherever you want. If there happens to be people in the way of your piss path, too bad. If the police confront you, just pull out your Free Piss Pass card and walk away laughing. It’s just like Monopoly!

Of course, there is always two sides to every story. Willie Flood, one of Steve’s colleagues, said Steve told her that he spilled a drink and someone thought he was urinating.

Immediately, Willie’s story can be discredited due to the fact that she’s a woman named fucking Willie. Her parents must have hated her. Besides, unless Steve was actually drinking piss, a simple smell/taste check would have determined the origin of the liquid.

Just admit it, Steve. You had been listening to R. Kelly on satellite radio all day and you just really wanted to know what it was like to be on the giving-end of a golden shower. Well, was it worth it? I already know the answer - yes.