You know what the coolest part about having 5,000 Facebook friends is? Absolutely nothing.

Meet Alex Xander, turbo douche extraordinaire. He is just one of many prolific Facebook spammers.

That’s not a real penis in the photo above. Tell your boss it’s a flesh colored dildo. He’ll understand.

Alex is one those people who posts a photo of a kid with cancer, followed by a caption that reads something like: IF THIS PHOTO GETS 10,000 SHARES THIS CHILD WILL GET A PENIS TRANSPLANT.

It’s a pathetic attempt to farm more shares and likes, thus making more people view your profile. That little kid with cancer isn’t going to get a new penis regardless of how many likes their photo gets.

The newest “like” farming attempt from Alex Xander is a photo of a little boy saluting his dead marine father’s casket. It’s a touching photo, and the caption reads: How many likes for this little marine saying goodbye to his dad? It currently has over 170,000 likes and over 4,000 shares.

Even worse, Alex Xander posted a comment underneath the photo that says “who wants 100 Fʀɪᴇɴᴅ Rᴇǫᴜᴇsᴛ in 5 min? Subscribe and I can help.”

If you are one of the people who likes or shares photos posted by these spamwad assfucks, then you’re part of the problem. Stop reading this and go stick your head in the toilet because your brain is a pile of shit. What’s next? A photo of Holocaust victims claiming that they’ll be resurrected after a million likes? You better click like on it JUST IN CASE!

I’ve definitely exploited people before for my own personal benefit, but this is different because I actually PROFITED off that child labor. How would a regular Facebook user profit from getting thousands of likes on a single photo? And why does Facebook condone this activity?

WAIT A MINUTE…

Is it possible that dildo heads like Alex Xander are simply employed by FACEBOOK to use their expert spamming techniques in order to generate thousands of more pageviews and subsequent ad clicks?

We already know that Facebook arbitrarily deletes accounts for all kinds of stuff, so why would they let someone exploit orphaned children and terminally ill people for spam purposes? I once got my account suspended for a week over calling a girl a pedophile. Where’s the justice?

The next time that you see a photo like the one above and think “aww, I should share this,” save the photo to your desktop and then upload it to your profile. Don’t share it so it links back to a motherless queef like Alex Xander.

ARGGHHHH!!! FUCK PEOPLE!!!

People post EVERYTHING on Facebook these days. I’m surprised that posting a picture of your most recent bowel movement chilling in the toilet before getting flushed hasn’t become a huge trend yet.

Oh look, there’s a dozen new pictures of your newborn sleeping. A whole dozen of them — all the same. There’s a picture of the box of Triscuits and bottle of water that you ate for lunch at your work desk. How interesting. What’s this? An entire album called “BLUNTS,” and it’s all photos of you smoking weed.

All of that stuff is so fascinating, but I don’t care about any of it as much as I care about the Red Wings scoring a goal or the Tigers hitting a home run. Thank you for your play-by-play sports updates on Facebook. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. The next time you walk by a playground and see some kids playing kickball, be sure to post an update if little Davey kicks one out of the park.

No food pic or sports update can compare to 20-year-old Michael Baker’s post that got him arrested.

When Baker noticed an unoccupied police car, he decided to siphon the gasoline out of it and post about it on Facebook. Of course none of his Facebook friends would believe him without photographic evidence, so he had his girlfriend take a photo of him in the act.

Posting photos online of yourself doing illegal things is derptastic, but if you crave attention THAT badly, at least blur out your face. If you don’t know how to do that, then crop your face out of the photo. If you’re too ignorant to know how to crop a photo, then at least make your Facebook page totally private. But if you can’t even crop a photo, I doubt you know where the FB privacy settings are.

Naturally, Baker’s photo was reported and the police were easily able to locate and arrest him for theft under $500. Sadly, it’s only a misdemeanor. He deserves to get raped in prison at least once.

Baker obviously didn’t learn any lessons from this incident. Not only is his Facebook page still public, but he continued to joke about his crime on Facebook after getting out of jail. After returning home, he posted “just got out of jail” and then commented (with terrible grammar) “yea lol i went too jail over facebook,” followed by “yea lol u would just have to seen it it was funny as hell tho.”

My God, I fucking hate this kid. I’ve been throwing darts at his photo all day.

Original story HERE

Finder: Ghost Cocks

We knew it all along, but we weren’t 100% sure until now: Miley Cyrus definitely has a vagina.

This weekend, after leaving a Pilates class, Miley hopped into a car and bared her gash for a 20 megapixel camera. You can see the uncensored photo HERE (hint: it looks a lot like other vaginas).

Before you go all anti-pedo on me, Miley Cyrus is 19-years-old. That doesn’t mean you can’t look at her now-legal lady parts just because she used to be underage.

For those of you actual pedophiles out there: sorry, but you can probably still catch a few peeks of camel toe on Hannah Montana re-runs. Oh yeah, and fuck you.

So there you have it. Miley Cyrus’s paginey. Cute huh? Better than Britney’s hideous downstairs mix-up.

Photo cred

I just got the biggest technology boner since the Sega Dreamcast came out.

If I asked you “What is the modern world lacking,” you’d probably reply with “peace,” but you’d be wrong.

The answer is “flying cars.”

Sure, flying cars aren’t a new idea — you’ve seen Harry Potter and Chiddy Chiddy Bang Bang (okay, well Harry Potter at least) — but nobody really made that dream a successful reality until a company called Terrafugia announced their prototype called the “Transition.”

The Transition is a car with collapsible wings. It gets better gas mileage on the road than a Dodge Neon and looks a trillion times more awesome — plus it can fly.

You might expect a Transition to sell for a few billion dollars, but it will actually retail for just $279,000 US dollars! That means that almost any upper-middle class person could afford one.

The flying vehicle can reach a top highway speed of 70 MPH, which is nothing compared to other normal cars, but imagine the thrill you’d get if some tool in a Porsche pulled up next to you and tried to race: Just extend your middle finger and fly away laughing.

The ONLY downside to owning a flying car is the 0.0001% chance that you’d survive a crash in one. There’s also the imminent government involvement and buttloads of anti-flying vehicle legislation that is bound to happen once a few orphanages get crashed into by women flyers.

Perhaps the best news is that you DON’T need a commercial pilot license to fly one of these. A test and 20 hours of flight training are all that’s required to take to the skies.

Flying cars are one step closer to teleports (teleporters?) becoming a reality. There goes my technology boner again! I just prematurely technogasmed!

You can reserve your Transition for only $10,000 down. So far, over 100 have been ordered, and they’re expected to launch (get it) this year. Hopefully.

For more information and technology boners, visit Terrafugia’s website.