I was trying to think of a recent story to write about, but no ideas were coming to me. All of a sudden, I thought, I want to know the details about the last time a bunch of hookers and pimps got busted in Tennessee.
Psh, no problem. I just headed over to Chattanooga’s local news; proudly displayed on yesterday’s front page was: Sting Nets 8 Prostitutes, 2 Pimps, Including 1 Marketing His Wife. This is big news for Tennessee. Finally, some real crime. Tennessee gets self-conscious about all those goat and chicken-fucker stereotypes.
Since it wouldn’t really be worth reporting on if I didn’t have photos of these people, let’s check out the finest whores Tennessee has to offer:
When I look at these pictures, my crotch starts itching.
And what about the pimps that exploited these beautiful ladies? Those scumbag bastards. Any one of those women could have been in the next season of America’s Top Model if it weren’t for the missing teeth and facial sores. The pimp on the left is married to one of the prostitutes that was arrested. Now, this is a man who knows how to utilize his resources.
“Bitch, it ain’t cheatin’ unless you don’t gimme my cut - 90%, hoe!”
Well, I know where I’m going next time I need a hooker. With dozens of beauties like these to choose from (and at competitive prices!), Chattanooga is becoming the new hot-spot for low-end, risky prostitution. Just avoid #6 if you’re looking for a little knob-in-mouth action… or at least wait until her cold sores go away.
Whether you love him or hate him, Barrack Obama is the 44th president of the USA. I didn’t vote, so I can’t really complain. I would’ve rather seen Ron Paul in office though. I was fairly certain Obama would win, but it still feels nice to know that Sarah Palin has no possible chance of running America.
All you McCain supporters that are wallowing in misery right now, chill the fuck out. After all, how much worse could the next four years be.
Happy fuckin’ Election Day everyone! Today is the day where 50% of Americans will waste precious time and gasoline, just to drive to a booth and cast their votes for president and other significant topics like medical marijuana and stem cell research. America is really fucked this year. I mean fucked very very very badly. After 8 years of being ruled under the dictatorship of George W. Bush, America is left with two choices for president. Who are the choices for your next president?
HAHAHA.
Wait, better yet. If the older one gets elected and dies within the next four years - WHICH HE STATISTICALLY WILL - who is going to take his place as President of the United States of America?
God help us all.
I’ve offended a lot of people by laughing at them after they ask if I’m going to vote.
First of all, I’m not going to vote because I’m in Canada right now. Even if I was back in the states, I wouldn’t be able to vote because I’m not a registered voter. Your average active voter tends to look down upon such laziness:
“Why wouldn’t you want to vote on important domestic issues?”
It’s very simple, actually. Voting is a fucking SHAM. Please, someone tell me that they agree with me when I say that popular vote doesn’t decide shit and everything we are told by our government is a lie. Eventually, there will be a New World Order, whether you care or not. Right now, people are plotting to set up a Fascist dictatorship in North America. Ultimately, there will be a global government.
This shit is really happening. Read about the Patriot Act. Read about how Bush has re-allocated the power of the government and given it all to himself and the next president. We’re all fucked. The younger generation’s only hope for avoiding extermination under martial law is this: Get rich as fuck, and become someone very influential.
Hey everyone! Many of you know by now that I lost my job about two weeks ago. To make a long story short, I packed up all my shit and moved to Canada. I’m currently residing in the lovely city of Toronto.
I’m takin’ over this city like Cloverfield.
There’s some good news though. I’ve been working with the clothing company Burnt Toast, and they designed and printed one of my ideas for a t-shirt. Burnt Toast has already agreed to print more Sidecarsally-inspired apparel, so bookmark their site and buy some cool clothes. For now, I’d proudly like to unveil my first of possibly many Burnt Toast / Sidecarsally shirts.
We couldn’t afford a sexy model, so I filled in.
Everything is printed on American Apparel and there is more information on Burnt Toast’s site.
As an American citizen, I have to constantly remind myself that not everyone in Canada is nicer and smarter than me. Canada has a much lesser population than America, so the evidence of inbreeding there isn’t as noticeable as in, say, the Southeastern United States. Don’t be fooled. Canada is a fantastic country, but there are still some cousin-fuckers around. Take the city of Kitchener, for example:
Friday night, two men were taken to the hospital after an explosion occurred at their auto shop in Kitchener, Ontario. The men were removing a rusty bolt from a car’s gas tank when the fire ignited.
Removing a bolt from a gas tank is a standard procedure when you’re a mechanic. So where did the men go wrong? I’d say right about they time they decided to use a cutting torch on the bolt that was attached to a leaky gas tank, sitting right next to an additional bucket of fuel. This has FAIL written all over it.
“Now this here’s a great idear.”
Fuel underneath the car caught on fire when red-hot metal scraps fell from the bolt. In turn, a nearby bucket of fuel was also set ablaze, causing an explosion that injured both men. They escaped with only 2nd degree burns, but this ingenious stunt has branded “FUCKTARD” permanently on their foreheads.
First of all, I’d like to thank the two people so far that have donated to Sidecarsally: Don and Ryan. My friend Bob also donated a whopping 69 cents, but Paypal’s transfer fee ended up costing me a dollar after the transaction. But basically, I’m able to sit in my room and write more stories because of Ryan and Don’s generous donations. To show my thanks, I made this picture to show the world what Ryan and Don’s spirits would be if they were anthropomorphized.
Here, we can clearly see that Don is a majestic lion, and Ryan is a badass flying shark.
If you are feeling generous, you can send me some money via Paypal by clicking the button below. You also have my word that this money is strictly going towards helping me survive, and not to feed any kind of drug or sex addiction.
Sometimes, I feel like someone should just write a book about my life and title it “The Awful Life and Times of Sidecarsally.”
Today has not been a good day for me. The morning started out normal; I drove to work, stopped at the gas station for a 5-Hour Energy drink, and was 3 minutes late (as usual). My boss approached me shortly after I took a seat at my cubicle - the same way I have every weekday for the past two and a half years.
“Dustin, can you please come into my office,” he said.
Now, I’ve been having this surreal feeling of impending doom for about a month now. Anxiety has placed this weird pressure on my heart and I often feel like I’m going crazy for feeling like this for no reason. Well, now that sense of doom has finally manifested itself above my head in the shape of a diarrhea-filled cloud. I was fired today, and if I don’t find a well-paying job within the next week, I am fucked.
I entered my boss’s office and he asked me to close the door. This is rarely a good thing. If your boss asks you to close the door after requesting a meeting with you, unless you’re getting a raise, it’s bad news. And that’s the first thing he said to me. He just came right out with it.
“Dustin, I’ve got some bad news. You’re fired. I’m not angry at you, but I’m disappointed. Repeatedly, I’ve asked you to work overtime, but you have only worked the minimal 40 hours week after week.”
Mind you, I’m salaried and do not get paid for overtime. There was also no real need for me to work overtime.
“OK” was literally all that I said as my brain tried to deal with the “Oh shit, ohhh shit” feeling that your body gets when you just hear something very bad. I found it unbelievable that I was fired, of all people. Only a month ago, I heard about an employee who was caught looking at porn during work hours. That person never got fired, but I did.
The real truth is that I have been working a pointless, waste-of-time job for over two years. I was a tester for a medical software company. My boss simply couldn’t justify paying the salary of a software tester anymore after our newest release was shipped. Basically, I was hired, performed my job well, and was put down like a rabid bitch when my services were no longer needed.
I really hope to continue Sidecarsally, but I could use help from everyone. As much as I’d like to say “I can get out of this all on my own,” it’s more complicated because I’m now in a position of relying on others. I’m putting a Paypal donation link at the bottom of this post. If you have a Paypal account, think of it as a one-time voluntary subscription fee that will only ever apply when I’m hopelessly desperate for money.
Even more than money, I’m interested in jobs. I’d really like to start writing for a living, so if any of you have connections that could help me land a phone interview or anything, please let me know.
Well, I’m back from my little hiatus, and I feel like a million dicks… err, dollars. I decided to go to Los Angeles. The Hollywood Hills area, to be exact. California was a totally new experience for me because I had never been out West before. I had more fun than a midget at a petting zoo!
This has nothing to do with a petting zoo. I just like talking about midgets.
The first exciting thing I found in Hollywood was discovered on a walk to the local 7-Eleven. It was a vomit-covered reclining chair, sitting on the side of the road at the end of this tunnel:
The puke looked like someone ate a bunch of hot dogs, red kool-aid, and feces.
Oh wait! How could I forget about the abandoned panties that were hanging on the fence, just before the tunnel?
Mmmm.
OK, let’s rewind for a second.
I decided to give you guys the full experience of these discoveries, so I went to Google’s Street View and looked up the exact locations I was at.
If you were approaching the tunnel from the side the vomit chair was on, then it would look exactly like this:
Obviously, the vomit chair wasn’t in Google’s pictures. So I added one in Photoshop.
Going through the tunnel was like walking into the deadlights. I was expecting St. Peter to be at the end, ready to see me and say, “You better turn around right now buddy. Have fun in Hell.” If you look closely at the picture, I circled a lost soul being ushered into eternity. Lucky bastard.
If we look even closer, we can see that it’s actually not a lost soul. It’s a prostitute who was also turned away by St. Peter. Weird shit like this is common in Hollywood.
Sucks to be you! Get it? She’s a hooker.
Once outside of the tunnel, you come to this little 3-way intersection. I like 3-ways, hehe. I drew an arrow to where the panties were:
Street View’s pictures don’t go any further up Ivar Ave., but if you zoom in, you can clearly see the exact place where the panties were hanging for at least four days:
Hepatitis: You’ve got it!
Later on, I went hiking at Runyan Canyon in Hollywood. I thought I was going to die, but I made it to the top and took this awesome picture of the city. Well, it would’ve been awesome, but some asslicker had to walk up the trail as I snapped the photo.
Later on, I met one of my heroes. He only smoked blunts. I figured this out after opening a kitchen drawer and finding countless empty Swisher boxes.
Ahh, California.
As for the Hollywood “Star Walk,” it was pretty much what I expected. A lot of freaks, weirdos, and tourists - but still amazing to see for the first time. I really can’t help but feel that I love LA now, and it is one of the most exciting places I’ve ever been to. At some point, my desire to move there is going to make me quit my job and pack my bags. If I’m ever going to lose my mind, I might as well lose it in Los Angeles.
My only regret was that I didn’t take mushrooms before walking down Hollywood Blvd.
Hey everyone, sorry for leaving you hanging without a story yesterday, but the news gets worse. I have decided to take an impromptu vacation for the next four days. I’ll be back on Tuesday, but there will most likely not be any updates until then - unless something incredible happens to me and I just have to write about it.
I sure hope my plane doesn’t crash and burn. After all, I haven’t been the nicest person lately. I spend hours a day poking fun at others’ misfortunes. Maybe today will be the day that karma gets the best of me. If the plane does crash, I hope I can at least get a blowie from one of the flight attendants before we all die. Oh, I’d also like to slap an old lady in the tits, just once.
For those of you who are truly angry at me for leaving you hanging without your daily offbeat news, here’s a quick story:
Brad Scuillo from Pennsylvania recently won an eating contest. He ate a twenty-pound burger in under 5 hours and won $400.
No word on how Brad is after shitting that thing out. I’m sure his hospital bills were much more than $400 dollars. Was this even worth it? You bet. Brad will have an awesome x-ray showing the ten-pounds of the burger that didn’t get properly digested and is now impacted in his colon.
Fire prevention education should be as important in schools as sexual eduction. In a typical sexual education class, students are taught about condoms, pregnancy, STDs, and anatomy. But, what are they taught about fire prevention? Some retard in a bear costume tells 4-year-olds not to play with matches.
Instead of Smokey the bear, David Stanifer should travel around and tell children about his recent brush with a fiery death.
David, obviously a nerd. Look at that fancy computer. Let’s play some Warcraft, dude! LOL
Early Monday morning, David and two of his friends were drinking in his garage and playing with his pet rat. David decided to let the rat run around freely, but didn’t want it getting lost, so he tied some twine to the rodent. Instead of using scissors to cut the twine, he tried burning through it with a lighter. You can guess what happened next.
“Ahhhhhhhh!”
Animals don’t like when you set them on fire. The rat looked back at David setting the twine ablaze and thought, “Ummm, fuck this!” It ran around the garage, with the flaming leash, and started small fires wherever it went. David and his friends weren’t able to put out the flames, so they spread to the house and caused over $30,000 in damage before being extinguised. The best part: It was his parent’s house. His dad was in Africa teaching starving children about Jesus, and his mom was working.
To me, this is a sign from above. Don’t blame David for his stupid actions. God is just punishing his father for trying to force his religious beliefs on an impoverished African country that could give a fuck less about Jesus.
Oh, you should also add David Stanifer as a friend on Facebook. Just click here. Yes, he lives in Florida.
