CANADA — Let’s hope this is the only story that I ever write about milk.

Michael Schmidt, an Ontario dairy farmer was fined $9,150 for selling unpastuerized milk to people. Although his milk didn’t cause any injuries, it’s illegal to sell raw milk in Canada.

Michael Schmidt — Canadian Milk Martyr

The government doesn’t want dairy farmers selling raw milk because of the risk of it containing E. coli, salmonella, and listeria. Makes sense right? You know what else has the risk of being contaminated by E. coli and salmonella? Pretty much everything. The government is just being bossy.

And check out this hypocrisy: It’s legal to give raw milk to your family, but you can’t sell it to your neighbor. Guess how many farming families died from consuming raw milk: None.

You’d be more likely to get sick from drinking contaminated water than hygenically produced raw milk. The government should totally make water illegal because of the risk.

Michael Schmidt is defiant of Canada’s anti-milk laws though. At his sentencing Friday, he held up a glass of raw milk and made a toast to the judge’s decision, vowing to appeal it. He also refuses to pay the fine, saying: “I’d rather go to prison… If I pay the fine, then this is almost like an admittance of guilt.”

Schmidt was charged with violating the Health Protection and Promotion Act and operating a milk plant without a license. The charges stem from way back in 2006 when Schmidt’s dairy farm was RAIDED.

Raw milk farms are to Canada what meth labs are to Kentucky.

If you want to sell raw milk, it won’t bother me — but operating a milk plant without a license is a different story. All milk plant operators are required to take a milker’s ed class and pass their milk test.

CBC.ca held a reader poll which asked if Schmidt’s fine was too harsh and 80% of the voters said yes. Also, 92% of people voted “yes” when asked if the sale of raw milk should be legalized in Canada.

It’s so hard to feel like an adult when the government is like a bitchy overprotective mom.

Fun fact: It was ILLEGAL for any store to be open on a Sunday in Canada until the mid-1980s.

Canada sounds fun, eh!?

I had no idea that New Zealand even celebrates Christmas, and if this video is any indication of the country’s collective intelligence, maybe they should just stick to chasing sheep around all day.

Pilot Greg Gribble was manuring (not maneuvering) a helicopter to set up a Christmas tree in the capital city of Auckland yesterday when a steel cable got caught in the rotor causing the aircraft to violently smash into a support beam and crash to the ground.

Luckily, nobody was hurt. Well, one man working on the ground near the tree was treated for minor injuries, but since the original article didn’t even mention his name, he really must be a nobody.

The pilot was thrown halfway out of the chopper, but only suffered emotional injuries.

Aside from birds, cables and electrical wires are pretty much the only thing you need to be aware of in a helicopter. Birds will get shredded in a helicopter rotor, so even they aren’t a big concern.

If you look closely at the video, you’ll notice several steel cables. This was just a bad idea to begin with. I wonder if New Zealand knows that there is a much safer way to erect a Christmas tree.

Why are we all such assholes to each other? If we don’t understand someone’s woes, we tend to brush them off rather than try to understand their troubles. Not all of us, of course, but most of us.

Admittedly, I am an asshole too, but I’m trying to change. For example, I hate protesters that stand outside abortion clinics with huge photos of dead babies. I’m not crazy nuts about abortion, but if somebody wants to have one, go for it. If YOU don’t like it, don’t have one.

This is legal, but protesting about the government in a park is not.

Another example is the Duggar family. There was a time when I used to pray every night that Michelle Duggar’s vagina lips would permanently seal themselves together overnight so she couldn’t have another kid. The only way she’d stop is if God did something like that.

Lately, I’ve been trying to only give a shit about things that personally affect me. Michelle Duggar can have 20 more kids if she wants, just as long as I don’t ever cross paths with any of them. Hold up as many abortion posters as you want, as long as none of them are photos of MY aborted baby.

Eat as many double cheeseburgers and pizzas as you want. I won’t care until the day you topple over and your fat ass crushes me and I have to eat my way out.

Occupy a park or street as long as you goddamn please. I may not understand your exact reason for doing so, but I get that you’re unhappy enough to neglect everything and protest about how shitty things are. I admire that kind of perseverance.

When is the last time you’ve seen so many people huddle together outside for more than 24 hours? Best Buy’s Black Friday sale doesn’t count, dick.

The Occupy movement is the only movement of its kind in recent history that I personally remember. I’m sure there have been others like it, but this one is significant because it’s not localized to one area — it’s fackin’ EVERYWHERE and has been going on for months.

People are getting sick of the protesters though — especially people who aren’t worried about the world’s financial future. “Get a job,” they say. “You don’t even have a clear message!”

Despite myself NOT being a protester, I can read the message loud and clear: People are unhappy. Unhappy about what, I have no idea, but if you think a million people gathered around the world and spent months living in tents together for NO REASON, then you’re an idiot.

The failure to empathize with the Occupiers has led to court-ordered evacuations of many Occupy camps, despite every citizen having the right to protest.

These aren’t just a few PETA protesters being pushed aside though. These are normal people that have vast networks of friends and family.

If you really want the protesters out of parks, you should form your OWN protest and make it big enough to oust them. People aren’t doing that though. Instead, they complain to the government, which doesn’t have to protest to make changes — the government does what it wants to do.

It takes a million people protesting in unison to make major changes, but it only takes one judge’s decision to crush that protest before it gains momentum. After listening to several complaints for and against the St. James Occupy camp in Toronto, a judge ordered it to be evacuated today.

The main argument against the camp was that the GRASS in St. James Park was ruined by the protesters. The already dead grass’s safety ultimately came before the human right to protest.

That decision didn’t sit well with me because it’s fucking GRASS and can easily grow back next year, but if these protester’s are ignored, some of them may not even live to see next year.

The judge gave another bullshit reason for ending the protest too: If one group of protesters is allowed to take over a park, then ALL the parks in the WORLD could be taken over by other protesters. Imagine taking a peaceful stroll through and gazing at the colorful posters in Pro-Life Park.

Because, you know, that would actually happen.

CBC.ca posted a poll that asked if you agree or disagree with the judge’s order to vacate the park. I was shocked to see that 65% of people approved of the decision to trample their very own rights, just because they weren’t exercising them at the time.

Let’s hope none of those 65 percenters ever have to protest about something. Actually, let’s hope they do, then let’s hope they get pepper sprayed.

It’s frustrating enough to watch the government shit on our liberties, but even worse to see the public majority stand behind them and support the decision to oppress their friends and neighbors.

“If I don’t share your problems, you shouldn’t have the right to bring it to my attention.” — Asshole

Tell me, am I plunging deeper into my own know-it-all ego, or do I have a point?!

Me and Justin Bieber have something in common. Yes, we both fantasize about Selena Gomez, but we also have something else in common: Both of us have been falsely accused of being dads.

A lying whore named Mariah Yeater recently accused the Biebz of getting her pregnant in a backstage bathroom after a concert.

Due to the nature of men, I couldn’t fully dismiss the allegations — so I waited.

It’s entirely possible for a famous pop star to meet a girl backstage and bang her, but Justin Bieber ain’t no Gene Simmons — he has standards. As soon as I saw a photo of Mariah Yeaster, I knew that she was lying.

Bieber wouldn’t tap that. Well, not sober.

The Bieber baby rumors can finally be laid to rest today because a friend of Mariah Yeaster sent TMZ text messages that implicated her in a scheme to extort some of Bieber’s cash.

The texts said stuff like “please stress to Robbie how important it is for him to be in his son’s life.”

Other texts from Yeaster asked the friend to delete previous conversations from her mom, and she even offered to give her friend money for keeping quiet once she reached a settlement with the Biebz.

The texts were sent to Beiber’s lawyer and there is no chance of Yeaster getting a dime.

Yeaster accused Bieber of fathering her baby exactly two years after Karen Sala of Ontario accused Keanu Reeves of the same thing. He was cleared after a DNA test.

Looking back on this, I’m embarrassed that I ever believed even 1% of Yeaster’s story. Justin Bieber still has at least another year before his testicles mature enough to produce semen.

ONTARIO — The last couple of days have been pretty shitty for the livestock around here. The animals have been whispering about the fires that killed 1,500 turkeys in Aurora and 65 cows in Stayner.

This image is a dramatization.

You’ve probably never heard of Stayner or Aurora, but the name of the town shouldn’t matter. If 1,500 turkeys died in a fire in Toronto, it wouldn’t be any less tragic than 1,500 turkeys dying in Bumfucksville.

The two towns are 60 miles apart, and there’s no reason to believe that the fires were related, but how could they NOT be? First of all, they were both fires. That’s a pretty big relation.

Secondly, the two fires occurred within 24 hours of each other. That’s more than enough time for some crazy PETA member to light a fire, travel 60 miles, and then light another fire.

I can picture their hypocritical arsonist face right now: “I’d rather see these cows and turkeys BURN than have them milked to death and slaughtered for Christmas! FREEDOMMMMM!”

As the stupid PETA arsonist tossed the torch into the second barn, an ember fell onto his filthy hippy dreadlocks and instantly engulfed his head in flames. He burned to death among the livestock and that’s why there was no evidence of arson found.

Well, at least the evil PETA extremist that most likely caused all this carnage is dead and can’t harm another asparagus again, but that doesn’t make this story any less sad.

You’re probably thinking, “Since the turkeys and cows were cooked in a fire, can’t you just cut them up and eat them, or sell them to McDonald’s?”

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just toss a living animal into a blazing inferno and then eat its blackened body. These are civilzed times… kind of.

Rest in peace fellow fallen fowls and crispy cows.