KENTUCKY — When an armed man broke into Stephen Bosch’s home this week and stole $180 from him, he reported the crime to the police. When the cops arrived at his place to investigate, they asked Stephen why his home smelled like marijuana. He admitted that the thief also stole 10.5 grams of weed from him, so the cops decided to look around more.
A quick search of Bosch’s home uncovered a digital scale and five ounces of weed hidden in his trashcan. He was arrested and charged with marijuana trafficking, tampering with evidence, and possession of drug paraphernalia. Win.
I know that most of my readers are heavy drug users, so all of you can learn from this.
This may seem like a crazy piece of advice, but if you are a drug dealer and someone robs you, do not call the police and report it — they will want to enter your home and “talk.”
When a cop enters your home for whatever reason, they are looking for one thing: drugs.
Drug dealers need to accept the fact that they will be victims of crime themselves occasionally. There are three things a drug dealer can do to minimize the chances of this:
1) Get a guard dog. Nothing welcomes an intruder like an abused Rottweiler that hasn’t been fed a pair of human testicles this week. Hang a sign on your front door that says, “I love my Chihuahua” for an added surprise. Be warned, the dog may eat your stash.
2) Re-locate. This seems like the most logical solution, but it’s also a lot of hassle. On the plus side, you might be lucky enough to find an apartment next to the local high school. That wasn’t supposed to be a statutory rape joke — high school kids just love weed.
3) Don’t be such a pussy. A 12-year-old Macaulay Culkin fought off two adult burglars in Home Alone — and that movie was based on a true story. He called the police by the end of the movie, but he wasn’t a fuckin’ drug dealer, so it made sense.
Furthermore, if you have large amounts of drugs or money sitting around in your home, you should also have a naked woman with a gun in plain view at all times.
Sledding is the art of descending a hillside slope at breakneck speeds while sitting on any flat object that enhances the sledding experience — like the hood of your neighbor’s car.
An important safety rule to remember when sledding is never wear a helmet — they obstruct your view. Also, if you see a person in your path, head straight for them. Chances are, you can injure them and pretend it was an accident. Life is about opportunities.
Men are genetically designed to abuse speed — velocity, not diet pills; that’s more of a woman thing — so the next level of speed-sledding involves strapping a rocket to a sled.
Rocket sleds require their own set of safety rules — for protection, hockey pads are totally unnecessary because they increase wind resistance (and decrease top-speed). Never wear them unless you actually enjoy looking like broke-ass Stormtrooper wannabe.
This is the proper way to rocket sled — notice the lack of troublesome “safety” features.
There are many different types of rocket sledding techniques. I prefer to secure a rocket directly to a reinforced steel sled because if I’m not wearing any body protection, I still want to be safe. The other method involves securing a rocket to your own back — naturally, this is a terrible idea. But it didn’t stop one Michigan man from trying it.
MICHIGAN – A 62-year-old man was hospitalized with severe burns Sunday after he attempted to rocket sled with a homemade jetpack rocket strapped to his back.
The unnamed man was hosting an annual sled party for his friends — he’s known to do something “crazy” every year. This year he filled a car muffler with gasoline and gun powder, strapped it to his back, and exploded half-way down the hill.
Witnesses were shocked. Nobody expected container of gas and gun powder to explode.
The man burned 20% of his body, including his face, but is in stable condition now. Clearly, the accident was caused by the wind resistance created by his jacket. Perhaps he should retry this stunt again next year, but use two rockets for more power, and wear a unitard.
Good thing it doesn’t snow a lot in the south because this would happen daily in Florida.
I’ve got a midget that works for me under the table. Not because I don’t have an “authorized midget employer” permit, but because he’s too short to see over his workstation — so he works under it. His job is to alert me whenever a male celebrity gets arrested for (or goes on trial for) hitting a woman — then I write a story about it.
My midget has a very simple job, and he fucked it up. Did you know Charlie Sheen got arrested for assaulting his wife with a knife on Christmas? I didn’t. Normally, I would have released the dogs on my midget for letting that whopper slip by me, but he informed me that Sheen appeared in court today to be charged. I suppose my midget can live.
COLORADO — Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller were seen leaving an Aspen courthouse Monday, holding hands and smiling. One might think they just won a big lawsuit, but nope — Sheen was charged with three felonies for assaulting her.
On Christmas, Mueller told police that she threatened to divorce Sheen and take their twin sons with her. He replied by brandishing a knife and saying he could have her killed. Notice the clever use of words — he did not say “I will kill you,” but merely imposed that the possibility of her having an “untimely death” was in his hands — which is still a threat.
Sheen’s charges include felony menacing, assault, and criminal mischief. Apparently, only gangsters in movies can get away with threatening a hit on someone.
Sheen denies holding a knife to his wife’s neck, but admits to smashing her eyeglasses and “slapping her arm.” Smashing her glasses was a proper battle tactic, but arm-slapping? Replace that with a tit-slap and you’re onto something, Charles.
This isn’t the first time Sheen has terrorized a woman. In 1990, he accidentally shot actress Kelly Preston in the arm with a gun — she married John Travolta a year later (fail). Sheen was also charged with threatening his ex-wife Denise Richards with violence in ‘97.
But despite her husband’s death threats, Brooke Mueller wants the charges dismissed. “They hugged in the courtroom, they hugged downstairs and they are hugging in the car,” her attorney told reporters. I’m sure it was a real Jim Beam and Kodak moment.
If convicted, Sheen faces prison time and whatever else a person usually gets for felony menacing and assault — I forgot how long they locked me up for it.
CHINA — After Chen Chuanliu’s 4-year-old daughter was kidnapped a few weeks ago, he didn’t want to take any chances on losing his 2-year-old son. Losing a daughter isn’t a big deal to most Chinese parents, but male children are very important to the family. A pedicab driver by day, Chen only has one child left and he’ll do anything to keep him safe.
Rather than spending his wages on a babysitter, Chen chains his son to a lamppost.
Despite the fact that some most people consider this blatant child neglect, there are several benefits of chaining your child to a lamppost outside a Beijing mall.
1) One less mouth to feed. Face it, it breaks peoples’ hearts to see a starving child on the street. Eventually, someone will give that kid some food, then you won’t have to.
2) Possible fighting career. When this kid grows up, he’s going to be a martial arts champion. Chuck Norris also spent his childhood chained to a lamppost in Beijing.
3) Bait. Like a worm on a hook for fishing, a baby chained to a lamppost is impossibly tempting for wild animals and child molesters alike. “Tonight, we eat coyote!”
4) Tetherball. If your baby doesn’t survive the winter chained to a lamppost, the least you can do is have some fun with it before the funeral. Get the neighborhood kids to join!
Besides, if chaining your kid to a lamppost is so “bad,” why hasn’t anyone stopped it?
Personally, I would choose a babysitter over a lamppost. I can’t have sex with a lamppost.
Marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You could be happily married for over a decade, then one day, your wife confesses that she sucked the penis of a teenage boy.
MICHIGAN — 32-year-old Norma Lira has three children with her husband. When her teenage daughter brought a male friend home one day last year, Norma was attracted to the new young man. “I’m gonna end up blowing that kid,” she thought. So she did.
Admit it: Slap some real eyebrows on her and you’d tap it.
Norma tried to hide the secret from her husband, but most women are emotional wrecks and it’s easy to read them. Her husband knew something was wrong, and (hopefully) beat a confession out of her. Afterward, he called the police and reported her crimes.
As of yesterday, Norma was being held at Oakland County Jail on a $50,000 bond, “after she turned herself in following a month-long investigation.” Her arraignment was set for today, but no updates have been posted.
Fun Fact: If you rearrange Norma Lira’s name, you get Roman Lair.
There should be a prison built specifically for MILFs like this. The MILF prison would have special cameras installed in the showers and toilets. The inmates would be forced to maintain their “hotness” through rigorous diet and exercise — and they would have to be naked all the time. They would also be forced to MILF Fight.
In a MILF Fight, I would pit Norma Lira against Michelle Kemp, a 30-year-old MILF from Florida who was charged last year with having sex with a teenager and giving him drugs.
Michelle Kemp, lookin’ good in stripes. My boner says, “hi.”
I’m shocked there isn’t MILF prison in existence already, especially in this day and age when all good ideas are taken. I nominate myself to be the warden of this facility if it ever gets built. I also forgot to mention all the MILFs have to share one bed — with me.
