Well, I don’t have any gray pubes yet, but I’m getting close. This weekend, I celebrated my 25th birthday by drinking profusely.
I wasn’t even drunk yet.
Saturday night, The All-American Rejects had just played a show down the street, so they came out after and even let us drink on their tab. I’m an opportunist, so I took full advantage of this.
One thing I learned in elementary school, don’t act more drunk than the people who’s tab you’re drinking on. It’s disrespectful and makes you look like a cheap asshole, and a drunk. Luckily, Tyson from AAR set the bar pretty high, so I was free to get hammered.
I’m a lot taller than it looks. I just couldn’t stand by this point.
All in all, I’d say this was one of my best birthdays ever. I got a new coat, my car insurance went down, I peed on a few people, and smoked a massive amount of wee… cigarettes. Thanks to everyone who came out or sent me birthday wishes!
German doctors claim that they have cured a 42-year-old American man of AIDS. For over 20 months now, he has tested negative for the virus. Apparently, the patient was treated with stem cells from a person naturally resistant to the virus. Wait a minute. A person can be naturally resistant to AIDS?
That completely explains how I don’t have it. I went through a really bad hooker fucking/strangling spree in the 80’s and should statistically have the virus by now.
This is great news for everyone! Condoms are now a thing of the past. Ladies, next time you’re with a dude and he tries to put on a condom, call him a pussy and then inform him about the cure for AIDS. Guys, next time a lady asks you to use protection, just say, “Pshh. Baby, I am protected.”
Stem cells are very funny little guys.
Of course, pregnancy would still be an issue, but abortion clinics are everywhere these days. Plus, at the rate people are having abortions these days, isn’t about time you had one?
So, go now! Share needles with your druggie friends. Have unprotected anal. Drink human blood. It doesn’t matter anymore. AIDS is cured!
American Idol judge Paula Abdul had a creepy scare last night. An obsessed fan’s dead body was found in a car parked outside Abdul’s LA home around 6PM. The fan was 30-year-old Paula Goodspeed, who appeared in an American Idol tryout three years ago and was brutally dissed by all of the judges. After watching this video, you’ll understand why her death is being investigated as a suicide lol.
I don’t want to sound like a dick, but it’s probably a good thing that Paula Goodspeed is dead. With those crazy braces on her teeth, sooner or later, she was absolutely going to tear through some poor guy’s cock like a chainsaw. Even FOX’s subtitles agreed with me:
And since I’m trying to be a nicer person, I have to end this article by saying at least one nice thing about Paula Goodspeed.
UPDATE: It has been confirmed that Paula Goodspeed did commit suicide via overdosing on prescription medication. Furthermore, this was actually the second time Goodspeed had overdosed in front of Abdul’s house. Last year, cops unfortunately found her body in time to save her. Well, kudos for doing it right this time!
I’ve heard more than a few people - especially college girls - defend their alcohol addictions by saying, “I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.” Then, you find them at a different party or bar every night, and they’re doing shit like this:
Already in position to be taken advantage of.
So you’re not an alcoholic, but you’re a drunk. That’s like saying, “I don’t have AIDS, I have HIV. AIDS is more gross.” OK, that may be true, but HIV is no laughing matter either - unless you don’t have it lol.
They say that acloholism runs in the family. That appears to be true for a certain Indiana family. Early Saturday, an Indiana State Police officer pulled over a 24-year-old woman and arrested her for a DUI. The woman also had her 1-year-old son in the minivan with her.
The boy’s father arrived later to get his son, but was also noticeably drunk and promptly arrested for a DUI.
Next on the list of relatives to pick up the boy were his grandparents. When they arrived at the police station, they had both also admitted to drinking very recently. The grandmother was under the legal blood alcohol limit, so she was allowed to drive the child home.
Man, I’d love to see what this family looks like. The grandma sounds kind of hot. No, but seriously, every person should be allowed at least one time in their life to drive as drunk as they want - even if there’s a kid in the car. Wait, I used that joke yesterday in the “Urinating Councilman” story :/
I can assure you that the man wasn’t holding a fish before this photo was edited.
While we’re in the political spirit since the recent election, I thought I’d write another story about a Jersey City counsilman - Steven Lipski, 44.
Steven was arrested at a Washington DC nightclub on Friday night after nightclub security spotted him urinating down on several concert-goers from a second floor balcony. I must admit, the thought of doing that has crossed my mind several times, but I’ve never been drunk enough to actually do it. Steve apparently was.
Lipski, posing happily for the camera.
According to an NJ.com source, Lipski is a regular jackass when he drinks, and he has had behavioral problems at the same nightclub before. I think I need a guy like this in my crew.
To Steve’s defense, I think everyone should be allowed at least one free pass to urinate wherever you want. If there happens to be people in the way of your piss path, too bad. If the police confront you, just pull out your Free Piss Pass card and walk away laughing. It’s just like Monopoly!
Of course, there is always two sides to every story. Willie Flood, one of Steve’s colleagues, said Steve told her that he spilled a drink and someone thought he was urinating.
Immediately, Willie’s story can be discredited due to the fact that she’s a woman named fucking Willie. Her parents must have hated her. Besides, unless Steve was actually drinking piss, a simple smell/taste check would have determined the origin of the liquid.
Just admit it, Steve. You had been listening to R. Kelly on satellite radio all day and you just really wanted to know what it was like to be on the giving-end of a golden shower. Well, was it worth it? I already know the answer - yes.
I was trying to think of a recent story to write about, but no ideas were coming to me. All of a sudden, I thought, I want to know the details about the last time a bunch of hookers and pimps got busted in Tennessee.
Psh, no problem. I just headed over to Chattanooga’s local news; proudly displayed on yesterday’s front page was: Sting Nets 8 Prostitutes, 2 Pimps, Including 1 Marketing His Wife. This is big news for Tennessee. Finally, some real crime. Tennessee gets self-conscious about all those goat and chicken-fucker stereotypes.
Since it wouldn’t really be worth reporting on if I didn’t have photos of these people, let’s check out the finest whores Tennessee has to offer:
When I look at these pictures, my crotch starts itching.
And what about the pimps that exploited these beautiful ladies? Those scumbag bastards. Any one of those women could have been in the next season of America’s Top Model if it weren’t for the missing teeth and facial sores. The pimp on the left is married to one of the prostitutes that was arrested. Now, this is a man who knows how to utilize his resources.
“Bitch, it ain’t cheatin’ unless you don’t gimme my cut - 90%, hoe!”
Well, I know where I’m going next time I need a hooker. With dozens of beauties like these to choose from (and at competitive prices!), Chattanooga is becoming the new hot-spot for low-end, risky prostitution. Just avoid #6 if you’re looking for a little knob-in-mouth action… or at least wait until her cold sores go away.
Whether you love him or hate him, Barrack Obama is the 44th president of the USA. I didn’t vote, so I can’t really complain. I would’ve rather seen Ron Paul in office though. I was fairly certain Obama would win, but it still feels nice to know that Sarah Palin has no possible chance of running America.
All you McCain supporters that are wallowing in misery right now, chill the fuck out. After all, how much worse could the next four years be.
Happy fuckin’ Election Day everyone! Today is the day where 50% of Americans will waste precious time and gasoline, just to drive to a booth and cast their votes for president and other significant topics like medical marijuana and stem cell research. America is really fucked this year. I mean fucked very very very badly. After 8 years of being ruled under the dictatorship of George W. Bush, America is left with two choices for president. Who are the choices for your next president?
HAHAHA.
Wait, better yet. If the older one gets elected and dies within the next four years - WHICH HE STATISTICALLY WILL - who is going to take his place as President of the United States of America?
God help us all.
I’ve offended a lot of people by laughing at them after they ask if I’m going to vote.
First of all, I’m not going to vote because I’m in Canada right now. Even if I was back in the states, I wouldn’t be able to vote because I’m not a registered voter. Your average active voter tends to look down upon such laziness:
“Why wouldn’t you want to vote on important domestic issues?”
It’s very simple, actually. Voting is a fucking SHAM. Please, someone tell me that they agree with me when I say that popular vote doesn’t decide shit and everything we are told by our government is a lie. Eventually, there will be a New World Order, whether you care or not. Right now, people are plotting to set up a Fascist dictatorship in North America. Ultimately, there will be a global government.
This shit is really happening. Read about the Patriot Act. Read about how Bush has re-allocated the power of the government and given it all to himself and the next president. We’re all fucked. The younger generation’s only hope for avoiding extermination under martial law is this: Get rich as fuck, and become someone very influential.
Hey everyone! Many of you know by now that I lost my job about two weeks ago. To make a long story short, I packed up all my shit and moved to Canada. I’m currently residing in the lovely city of Toronto.
I’m takin’ over this city like Cloverfield.
There’s some good news though. I’ve been working with the clothing company Burnt Toast, and they designed and printed one of my ideas for a t-shirt. Burnt Toast has already agreed to print more Sidecarsally-inspired apparel, so bookmark their site and buy some cool clothes. For now, I’d proudly like to unveil my first of possibly many Burnt Toast / Sidecarsally shirts.
We couldn’t afford a sexy model, so I filled in.
Everything is printed on American Apparel and there is more information on Burnt Toast’s site.
As an American citizen, I have to constantly remind myself that not everyone in Canada is nicer and smarter than me. Canada has a much lesser population than America, so the evidence of inbreeding there isn’t as noticeable as in, say, the Southeastern United States. Don’t be fooled. Canada is a fantastic country, but there are still some cousin-fuckers around. Take the city of Kitchener, for example:
Friday night, two men were taken to the hospital after an explosion occurred at their auto shop in Kitchener, Ontario. The men were removing a rusty bolt from a car’s gas tank when the fire ignited.
Removing a bolt from a gas tank is a standard procedure when you’re a mechanic. So where did the men go wrong? I’d say right about they time they decided to use a cutting torch on the bolt that was attached to a leaky gas tank, sitting right next to an additional bucket of fuel. This has FAIL written all over it.
“Now this here’s a great idear.”
Fuel underneath the car caught on fire when red-hot metal scraps fell from the bolt. In turn, a nearby bucket of fuel was also set ablaze, causing an explosion that injured both men. They escaped with only 2nd degree burns, but this ingenious stunt has branded “FUCKTARD” permanently on their foreheads.
