PENNSYLVANIA — 32-year-old Michael Stankus of Philly was arrested this weekend for using a hidden camera to look up young girls’ skirts at the mall.

A mall security guard noticed Stankus was maneuvering his GAP shopping bag between the legs of unsuspecting girls. When the guard looked inside the bag, he saw a camera held in place with duct tape and cardboard peeking out of a hole in the side.

Rather than coming up with a clever excuse like “I didn’t know that camera was in there,” Stankus admitted his guilt immediately and was arrested and charged with invasion of privacy. Ironically, invasion of privacy isn’t a felony and doesn’t sound nearly as bad what he was actually doing, which is about one step away from actual rape.

Being an upskirt peeping tom hardly seems worth the risk because 90% of girls wear panties anyway. I can just type “upskirt” into Google and get years worth of upskirts in 3 seconds. That is far more efficient than following a group of 14-year-old sluts around Hot Topic all day and having to listen to them talk about Justin Bieber.

But, I guess you don’t get that genuine “perverted thrill” when you’re on the internet.

You can be as clever as you want at hiding a camera, but you’re still going to look conspicuous if you’re a grown man following young girls around and swinging things under their skirts. That’s why hidden toilet cams are the best way to peek at some gash.

Just make sure you have a toilet camera disclaimer to avoid lawsuits.

Sources: 1

If there is one continent that is more obsessed with human excrement than any other, it is definitely Asia. Is it because Asia has the highest population of humans, or do Asian people actually have a genuine interest in feces? We may never know the true answer.

I have recently become aware of a chain of toilet-themed restaurants in Taiwan called Modern Toilet. Owner Eric Wang opened the first Modern Toilet in 2004 with the idea that people would enjoy eating dinner out of a toilet… while sitting on another toilet.

“Can you please pass the mashed poop-tatoes. Ha ha, get it guys?”

Customers pay to sit on covered toilets and eat their food out of plastic toilet bowls. The tables in the restaurant are bath tubs with glass tabletops. The waitresses wear giant brown turd costumes. I made that last one up, but there really IS shit-shaped ice cream!

Instead of using regular napkins to wipe your face clean, there is a toilet paper dispenser at each table.

Don’t expect any actual feces in the food — you’ll have to add that yourself. And despite all the toilets, you can’t actually shit in any of them except the ones in the real bathroom.

You may be asking yourself, “What’s the point of paying money to eat at a toilet-themed restaurant when I could just make a sandwich and go eat it while I take a dump in privacy?” Well, that’s actually a really good point, and umm… I don’t know.

Owner Eric Wang says, “Most customers think the more disgusting and exaggerated the restaurant is, the funnier the dining experience is.” — If that’s true, then he should let customers shit in those toilets that they paid to sit on.

Why stop at shit-shaped ice cream? Put lemonade on the menu and call it “piss,” or chocolate milkshakes called “diarrhea.” How about mozzarella cheese sticks dipped in a strawberry sauce that resemble used tampons? Chocolate covered Brussels sprouts could be shit-splattered testicles after explosive diarrhea ricocheted off the water.

WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE LINE?

So the next time you visit Taiwan to pay for sex with an underage child, visit the Modern Toilet and tell the manager to pass my ideas along to Eric Wang. Thanks!

Today, I spent three hours searching the web for videos of old people fighting. There is a serious lack of documented fights between the elderly. If you ever get to witness one, cherish it, but PLEASE try to record it as well. Be a responsible witness.

The title of this sharticle says it all. I now present you with the top 5 old people fights on YouTube. If you can find better ones, post the links in the comment section below!

#5 This video shows an old woman arguing with a drunk old man outside in what I’m guessing is England. The woman has an outstanding arsenal of vulgarity. If you listen closely, the old man is accusing her of having sex with black men.

#4 While I wouldn’t consider these women elderly, they are still in their 40s or 50s — and until I turn 30, that’s still considered “old” to me. The best part of this video is when one woman kicks the other woman’s shopping bag and everything flies out of it.

#3 The man in this video doesn’t take shit from anyone. When he tells a woman outside church that she’s “suspended” for something, she slaps him. With cat-like reflexes, he strikes back with a knuckle sandwich right to the face. Punch first, ask questions later.

#2 This fight is the real deal… only it’s over before it really begins. As both men throw a single punch at each other, the aggressor steps forward for more, but loses balance and takes a hard fall on his shoulder and face. Someone take Grandpa back inside and change his diaper.

#1 I could watch this all fucking day. This is the real reason handbags were invented.

Did everyone have fun at the Twilight: Eclipse premier at midnight? I know I did. Everyone else was there to see the movie, but I only went so I could bring my nightvision camcorder and record all the girls getting fingered in the back row. There was a lot of fingering going on too — the sound of squishing vaginal juices was louder than the film’s audio.

If Justin Bieber and Marilyn Manson fucked and had a child, it would grow up to be a stereotypical Twilight fan — Goth as fuck, but equally as annoying.

COLORADO — Last night, a woman told the Colorado State Patrol that a vampire caused her to veer off the road and crash her SUV into a canal. After spotting the vampire in the road, the driver decided to reverse her vehicle and head the opposite way. However, being a woman, she reversed directly into a steep ditch.

“Hold on, Bella — I gotta go fuck with this car that’s coming up the road.” — Edward Cullen

Police did not suspect alcohol or drugs as a factor in the crash, but according to investigators, there is evidence the driver was not taking her prescribed medication.

Perhaps she’s supposed to take pills that prevent her from seeing vampires, but it’s more likely that the woman was oblivious to the fact that Halloween no longer happens once a year, but also every time a new Twilight or Harry Potter movie premieres.

Bonus: There was a werewolf sighting reported in Madison Heights, Michigan last night as well, but it just turned out to be an Indian woman getting out of the shower.

Source: 1

Last week, I reported on Lona Varner, the 86-year-old disabled grandmother from Oklahoma who was tasered and abused by police in her own home. If you haven’t read the article yet, HERE IT IS — I’ll wait. Just hurry up because I don’t have all day.

A few readers mentioned that the article was terribly skewed because it didn’t include any perspective from the police officers that responded to her grandson’s 911 call.

Varner’s story has gained massive popularity recently and surprising new information has emerged regarding the incident that happened in her apartment.

NEW “FACTS”

I originally stated that Varner’s grandson called 911 because his grandmother couldn’t remember if she had taken her daily medication or not. What actually happened is Varner told her grandson that she was depressed and contemplating overdosing on her medication. Unsure if she was serious, he called 911 and they sent 10 cops over.

Despite the initial claim that Varner was tasered simply for “taking an aggressive posture” in her bed, the police now claim that she had a knife and made death threats at officers.

Officer Thomas Duran reported that Varner was holding a knife when they entered her bedroom. She allegedly said to him, “If you try and get the knife I will stab you and kill you. I killed four Japs in World War II, and I would not bat an eye killing you.”

Officer Duran also wrote that Varner said “she was going to kill every officer that was in her apartment when she got out… she told me she was going to snap my neck like a twig just like she did during World War II.” As you can imagine, the officers were terrified.

Since the incident has become a national outrage, you’d think Lona Varner would be speaking out against the city of El Reno every chance she could get, but she isn’t. To the contrary, Varner has been nothing but rude to anyone who tries to interview her. It’s starting to look like this little old lady might just be an old grumpy bitch.

Varner and her grandson both completely deny the allegations that she threatened the officers, but I don’t believe that. In fact, I’d be willing to bet money that Lona Varner shouted a bunch of crazy shit at them because she’s most likely senile as fuck.

BOTTOM LINE

Regardless of whether or not Lona Varner had a knife or threatened to snap necks like twigs, that doesn’t change the fact that she is a helpless, withered bag of bones confined to a bed. My suggestion is the officers involved learn to tell the difference between a dangerous person and an Alzheimer’s patient.

I used to take care of my great-grandmother — she had Alzheimer’s disease. She threatened to stab, choke, or shoot me almost every day. She also thought she was half zebra and said she had George Washington’s penis in a box in the attic.

My point is, when there are ten police officers against one disabled grandma with a knife in bed, all you have to do is wait until she falls asleep and take it from her.

JUST KIDDING

A police officer should never have to use DISCRETION when using force on a civilian. Those cops had countless reasons to protect themselves from Lona Varner. Look at all the possible weapons and other threats that she possesses at her bedside:

Actual photo of Lona Varner.

Sources: 1