Several news outlets have reported that Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car this morning while she was jogging in Santa Monica, California. The driver was an 84-year-old local woman.

Before you head to the pharmacy for a “Get Well” card, there is good news: The old woman was given a citation for failing to yield to a crossing pedestrian. Oh, and Reese is fine too. Her chin broke the fall.

I’ve actually been hit by cars TWICE, so this isn’t really that big of a deal. If you still want to mail Reese some “Get Well” candy or money, you can forward it to me and I’ll make sure she gets it.

Bonus fact: Before the Twilight vampire movies were made, Reese starred in a different movie called Twilight, and it’s the only movie that she’s ever showed her boobies in. They’re nice too!

I’m banned from a lot of fast food chains because I’ve tried walking back to their kitchens and preparing my own meals. I hate waiting in line, and I hate watching the slow ass employees work even more, so I’ll throw a ten dollar bill at the cashier and head to the sandwich station like I own the place.

I’m not the first person to get in trouble for pretending that I’m an employee somewhere though.

25-year-old Natalie Marie Behnke was kicked out of Baby Dolls strip club in Clearwater, Florida for stripping and asking customers for money — the only problem was that she didn’t work there.

After having a few drinks, Natalie thought, “Psh, I could be a stripper,” so she took her clothes off and started dancing. When other strippers asked her to leave, she refused and tried to fight them.

You see, strippers usually have to pay a fee to the club they work at, but Natalie was hustling under the table, so the other strippers at the club had a problem with that. “You gotta PAY to work here, ho!”

The cops were called and when they arrived, Natalie was standing in the parking lot in her underwear, drunk. She was arrested for disorderly intoxication, a misdemeanor.

She had court today and pleaded no contest to the charge, and the judge fined her $450. Luckily, she wasn’t sentenced to jail, so she should be able to accept my friend request on Facebook tonight.

Who knows? Maybe I could end up getting a free lap dance from her.

Update: She accepted my friend request!

I have the utmost respect for strippers for two reasons A) it takes a lot of balls (metaphorically) to get naked and let creepy old men rub their boners on you for $25, and B) my mom was one.

Source: 1

I hope everyone had a fantastic Labor Day (Labour Day in Canada) weekend. I sure as Hell did. I went skydiving for the first time and also climbed the tallest mountain in the world. After that, I saved a litter of kittens from sharks while a human raft made of attractive women with fake boobs kept me afloat.

Actually, I played about 60 hours of video games and showered one and a half times.

You can’t say that I didn’t do anything productive though because I crafted a five-star item in Spiral Knights, and it took me days of monster killing to save up enough crowns to buy the energy for that.

Spiral Knights is a video game that I’m slightly addicted to, by the way.

People tell me that I need a job, but slaying monsters to save up for a better sword and armor is far more demanding than collecting ticket stubs at a cinema. For one, it requires far more hand-eye coordination to fight monsters than it does to tear a ticket in half and put it in a slot.

The downside to playing video games full-time instead of “working” is the whole money thing. I have buttloads of money in Spiral Knights, but nobody seems to care when I brag about that in real life. They’re all like, “That’s cool, but do you have that ten bucks you owe me?”

Unfortunately, I need to get a “real” job, so I’ve been updating my resume. I want my resume to really stand out among the sea of generic ones, so I’ve been borrowing ideas from this dude:

This man is a skilled graphic designer and my biggest competition, so I can’t let him upstage me with his gangster archangel resume with barely-readable brown font on a brown background.

Ahh screw it, I give up. There is virtually NO WAY I can compete against a resume of that caliber. An employer would take one look at it and be like “fuck, this guy has WINGS?“ and then hire him.

Here’s what I came up with before I gave up and decided that I was born to be unemployed:

If anyone wants to hire me, I’ve been to the moon and can tell you all about it.

Actor and comedian Katt Williams (not to be mistaken for singer-songwriter Cat Stevens) has had a rough summer — mentally, that is. He’s probably raking in the cash every show, but with mo’ money comes mo’ problems and Katt Williams has a lot of both.

I don’t know when Katt started losing it, but perhaps it was in June when he was arrested for felony intimidation.

Katt “allowed” a tractor driver to get pelted with rocks by three women while he blocked the tractor from leaving with his SUV. He refused to move until the police showed up and arrested him.

Later that same month in Albuquirky, New Mexico, Katt was supposed headline an event, but disappointed thousands when he arrived four hours late — too fucked up to perform.

Instead of telling jokes, he took off his shirt and did push-ups on stage, then prayed and babbled incoherently until police escorted him off stage. Here’s a poorly-made video of it:

Many people unsuccessfully demanded refunds from the event promoters, and ended up losing their money and respect for Katt. The promoters told ticket holders that they would be able to trade their ticket stubs for a discount on a future event.

Krazy Katt had what some would arguably call another meltdown on stage last weekend in Phoenix after a Mexican man in the audience heckled him. Katt asked the man if he was Mexican, and then went on a ridiculously racist and historically inaccurate rant.

At one point, he said: “If y’all [Mexicans] had California and you loved it, then you shouldn’t have given that mothafucka up. You should have fought for California, goddamnit, since you love it.”

The audience was enjoying every second of the tirade, laughing and clapping while he shouted, “Go back to Mexico,” at the heckler and chanted, “USA! USA! USA!”

Then he sang the national anthem and the crowd performed backup vocals. That moment was one of the most hypocritical displays of patriotism to happen in America since I rocked out to Bruce Springsteen in a Toyota. Afterwards, the heckler was kicked out.

The racist icing on the hate-cake was when he resorted to the ol’ Mexican landscaper stereotype. Didn’t see that coming! Watch it all go down here:

According to an article today in the Huffington Post, Katt apologized to his fans and the Mexican community for the rant, saying: “My remarks were not meant to be offensive. I want to apologize if my comedy act was taken out of context.”

After trying to figure out which part of “Mexican’s didn’t fight for their land” and “Go back to your country” was taken out of context, I realized that his apology is equally as offensive as his rant.

If I was performing stand-up and a Mexican guy heckled me, I would thank him for being such a hard worker and tell him that I appreciate all that he’s doing for his family back home.

Then I’d shit in his face and have security kick him out and beat him up in an alley. It probably wouldn’t hurt to have Immigration show up to double-check his paperwork too. Fuck hecklers.

CONNECTICUT — We all have at least one pet peeve, whether it’s people leaving the toilet seat up, or people not using condoms and overpopulating the planet with their shitty stupid offspring. For 29-year-old Michael Andes, it’s when the police don’t ticket people that are illegally parked in handicapped spots.

Andes was so fed up with the lack of parking enforcement in his town that he decided to park in a handicapped spot and call the cops ON HIMSELF. “They’ll show up and I’ll yell at them for being lazy,” he thought. “Then they’ll realize that I’m right and probably give me a model citizen award or something.”

He waited until 2 A.M. to call the police and report that he was parked illegally. When they didn’t show up right away, he called them a dozen more times in the next few minutes and shouted at the dispatcher.

When the cops finally responded, Andes’s plan gloriously backfired on him.

He approached the officers and immediately started screaming at them about the lack of parking enforcement. When they tried to calm him, he jerked away from them and took an aggressive stance.

The cops directed him to comply, but he refused and continued shouting, so they shot him with a Taser gun and arrested him for breach of peace and interfering with an officer.

And just to prove that they care about parking enforcement, they wrote him a parking ticket too.

After composing himself for the world’s toughest mugshot, Andes paid his $1,000 bail and went back home. He’s due back in court early next month and I’d give anything to be present for that.

Andes’s cause would have been more honorable if he were pissed at the cops over a bunch of unsolved rapes and murders, but PARKING VIOLATIONS? Hopefully that stun gun acted as a mild form of electroconvulsive therapy, so he can move on with his life and worry about new stuff.

What about all those non-pregnant people parking in the designated pregnant women spots?

Sources: 1, 2, Photo credit