ONTARIO — The last couple of days have been pretty shitty for the livestock around here. The animals have been whispering about the fires that killed 1,500 turkeys in Aurora and 65 cows in Stayner.

This image is a dramatization.

You’ve probably never heard of Stayner or Aurora, but the name of the town shouldn’t matter. If 1,500 turkeys died in a fire in Toronto, it wouldn’t be any less tragic than 1,500 turkeys dying in Bumfucksville.

The two towns are 60 miles apart, and there’s no reason to believe that the fires were related, but how could they NOT be? First of all, they were both fires. That’s a pretty big relation.

Secondly, the two fires occurred within 24 hours of each other. That’s more than enough time for some crazy PETA member to light a fire, travel 60 miles, and then light another fire.

I can picture their hypocritical arsonist face right now: “I’d rather see these cows and turkeys BURN than have them milked to death and slaughtered for Christmas! FREEDOMMMMM!”

As the stupid PETA arsonist tossed the torch into the second barn, an ember fell onto his filthy hippy dreadlocks and instantly engulfed his head in flames. He burned to death among the livestock and that’s why there was no evidence of arson found.

Well, at least the evil PETA extremist that most likely caused all this carnage is dead and can’t harm another asparagus again, but that doesn’t make this story any less sad.

You’re probably thinking, “Since the turkeys and cows were cooked in a fire, can’t you just cut them up and eat them, or sell them to McDonald’s?”

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just toss a living animal into a blazing inferno and then eat its blackened body. These are civilzed times… kind of.

Rest in peace fellow fallen fowls and crispy cows.

TURKEY — There was a huge earthquake in Turkey on Sunday and it killed over 500 people. With a magnitude of 7.2, the quake was 0.8 points away from being considered a “black dick” earthquake, like the one that caused the devastating tsunamis in Japan earlier this year.

The town that got hit the hardest in Turkey was Ercis. The whole place looks like an episode of Hoarders, only instead of piles of clothes with dead cats buried inside, there are collapsed buildings with people trapped inside.

One of those people was an 18-year-old Turkish kid named Imdat. He was trapped for 100 HOURS before rescuers were able to dig through the rubble and extract him.

Photo credit: Osman Orsal, Reuters

This incredible photo of Imdat being carried to an ambulance moments after his rescue is… it’s… I’m sorry, I’m so distracted. Do you guys see that? Look a little closer at Imdat.

Is that a giant African millipede crawling across his forehead, or is that a unibrow?

There’s no way that two separate eye brows could join together so thickly in 100 hours. We can assume that Imdat hasn’t plucked a single hair from that thing EVER. The cyclops would be so jealous.

I’m aware that this photo was taken during a moment of peril, but I never said anything BAD about Imdat’s unibrow. Shit, I appreciate the hell out of it. That lush foreheadstache took me out of a 2-month vacation from writing AND inspired me to make some Halloween decorations!

I just found this little starlet on YouTube today and the talent is just oozing out of his skin pores. I think that keeps his skin acne-free too… or maybe he just hasn’t hit puberty yet.

As the song plays, you’ll notice that he somehow has the ability to modulate his voice and give it a pitch-perfect robotic sound. I’ve never seen anything like it before. This is music’s future!

China has a rich history as being one of the oldest and weirdest places on the planet.

You can go to a beauty spa in China and take a relaxing dip in an aquarium filled with tiny eels that will eat away layers of dead skin on your body. If you’re as lucky as 56-year-old Zhang Nan, one might even slither up your pee hole.

Eel baths SUPPOSEDLY exfoliate your skin and magically transform it back to a youthful state. That didn’t happen for Zhang, but he DID get an eel in his wang.

“I could feel the eels nibbling my body, but then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis,” Zhang told reporters. “I tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery to be held and it disappeared up my penis.”

Zhang was either nude inside the eel tank, or his underwear was too loose. Either way, the thought of hundreds of eels nibbling away at my balls and taint makes me feel itchy.

It took doctors three hours to cut open Zhang’s bladder and remove the eel, which had already died. Thankfully, they took a photo of it, so I can spend sleepless nights wondering how that thing was able to make it’s way up little Asian man’s penis. It looks as thick as a pencil!

Doctor’s claim that the eel’s slippery skin helped it wriggle through Zhang’s urethra even though its body was wider than his urinary tract. That is enough reason to wear a condom every time you go swimming.

Just imagine how easily one of them could enter a person’s anus. It probably happens all the time, but when it does, all the person would have to do is eat some Chinese food and then wait 10 minutes for the imminent cascade of diarrhea to flush the creature out.

This isn’t the first time that an underwater friend made its way into a human’s bladder.

The same thing happened to a boy in India three years ago, except with a tiny fish. The boy claimed it was an accident but it probably wasn’t. His excuse was so fishy that I won’t repeat it — I’ll just say that I personally think he put the fish into his own dick on purpose out of sexual curiosity.

NEWSFLASH: Putting things into your urethra HURTS. If you absolutely have to do it, ask a professional to do it for you. The only person qualified to do that would be a doctor or nurse.

Since you can’t just walk into a hospital and demand that they shove things into your dick, you’ll have to critically injure yourself first and then get a catheter, but make sure you’re conscious.

Another option would be to get an STD test. I think nowadays, you can just pee into a cup, but they used to shove cotton swabs into your pee hole. Ask for the old-fashioned way.

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I have a Chocolate Beauty pepper plant growing outside, and it’s producing several bulging green peppers that will soon mature to a chocolate brown color. Unfortunately, four of those peppers will never reach maturity because one of the branches just snapped completely off last night.

There were no heavy winds or rains last night, and I doubt any animals messed with the plant. This is most likely a simple case of nature’s design failing. The peppers grew too heavy for the branch. There is still the slight chance that some jealous neighbor mutilated it though.

Imagine if humans were that weak and our arms would just snap off if we got too fat or muscular.

When I lifted the broken branch off the deck and realized that the damage was irreparable, I took a closer photo of the carnage in case I decided to file a police report within 30 days.

If you’re a vegan, you may want to look away because this next photo will offend you:

You’re probably thinking “those look like healthy peppers — can’t you eat them anyway?” But that’s because you didn’t pay attention when I said they’re supposed to be brown, not green. I forgive you though — it’s Friday and you’re reading about a broken branch on a pepper plant.

I really hope this is an isolated incident because peppers have been around for a lot longer than humans, but we’re like ten times smarter and stronger than them for some reason.

There is a $4 reward for any tips that lead to the capture and death of whoever did this.