LOUSIANA — There’s no nice way to put this: 20-year-old Aaron Simoneaux murdered his neighbor’s dog with a samurai sword last New Year’s Eve. Rest in peace, Slappy.

Slappy, the chow mix that died honorably by the blade.

Today, a Lake Charles judge sentenced Simoneaux to seven years in prison for what many are calling a demented, ruthless crime.

Last New Year’s Eve, little Slappy wandered over to Simoneaux because fireworks in a nearby yard were scaring her (you know how dogs are). Simoneaux had been drinking and playing with a samurai sword. Alcohol and swords — A classic combo!

Unfortunately for Slappy, Simoneaux HATES dogs — especially Slappy’s particular chow mix breed. Years ago, a similar-looking dog bit Simoneaux in his face and left permanent scars. He’s had a horrible fear and hatred for canines ever since.

The dog’s caretaker, meanwhile, was inside getting his kids something to drink. He came back outside in time to see Simoneaux cutting the dog up. [1]

Witnesses said Simoneaux’s attack was unprovoked, and that he “carved up” the dog for his own sick amusement. In August, he pleaded guilty to aggravated cruelty to an animal in hopes that he would be sentenced to an 18-month prison boot camp program.

The judge had a better idea though — seven years in prison, bitch!

Simoneaux appeared tearful at his sentencing, but nobody feels bad for an animal torturer because it’s frowned upon even more than killing a human.

I think seven years in prison would be better for Simoneaux than boot camp. I’m a firm believer than getting anally raped in the shower for seven years is a far more effective punishment than some buzz-cut military asshole with coffee-shit breath screaming in your face for 18 months. The American Army already has enough animal torturers.

Bonus: Now Simoneaux has time read tons of books about samurais.

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