MONTANA — An adult grizzly bear went on a rampage at the Soda Butte Campground yesterday, killing one man and injuring two other campers. Each attack occurred separately while the bear calmly strolled through the campground during the early morning hours, attacking people in their tents for no apparent reason other than to be a dick.

48-year-old Kevin Kammer from Grand Rapids, Michigan died after being attacked in his sleep. By the time he realized what was happening, it was too late to defend himself.

Shortly after, Ronald Singer, a college kid from Colorado, was awoken by the same bear chewing on his leg. Not one to be eaten so easily, Ronald punched the bear in the nose and it ran off. Anyone that punches a bear in the face and lives is a hero to me.

Ronald Singer — better known by his Indian name, Bear Puncher.

The grizzly bear decided to go for an easier target — a woman. It wandered over to Deb Freele’s campsite, broke into her tent, and attacked her. Deb screamed in pain while her husband slept peacefully next to her. Realizing that her husband wasn’t going to help, Deb decided that she was going to die, so she just gave up and laid there.

Fortunately for Deb, bears only enjoy killing if it’s accompanied by bloodcurdling screams. The grizzly left her alone and she was able to wake her husband up and tell him what happened — right after she bitched him out for sleeping through her mauling.

Editor’s Note: Only the husband knows for sure if he was asleep during the attack. It’s possible that he was fully aware of his wife’s close call with death, but chose to stay quiet.

Deb Freele recounts how she bravely did nothing to save her life.

Both Ronald Singer and Deb Freele will recover from their injuries. The man who died was not as lucky — doctors do not expect him to recover at all.

The bear was captured the same day as the attacks, and it is scheduled to be terminated. On a positive note, PETA loses supporters every time something like this happens.

Animal attacks on humans are becoming far more common, so keep an eye out for more awesome stories like this in the future — everyone loves a mauling!

BRITISH COLUMBIA — Davey Metzler, 7, would be a pile of bones right now if it weren’t for his courageous mother who rescued him from the jaws of a cougar. The incident occurred only two days before 11-year-old Austin Forman and his dog were similarly attacked.

“D-d-duh cougah twied to b-b-bite m-me, but my doggie saveded m-muh-me.”

Little Davey wasn’t as fortunate as Austin. He was tobogganing with his sister when the cougar pounced on his head. If there’s one thing a cougar hates, it’s a child having fun.

Davey’s mother witnessed the attack and ran to his aid. She grabbed a kitchen rag and snapped it in the cougar’s face until it ran away. Then she rushed her son to the hospital where he recovered with 22 stitches in his head.

Conservation officers killed two cougars nearby the next day. You know what that means:

Seriously though, a kitchen rag? Once again, I think we’re talking about a female cougar.

If you struck a male cougar in the face with anything less than an aluminum bat, he would kick you to the ground, stand over you in a 69 position, and take a giant shit in your screaming mouth while chewing off your genitals. If cougars had insanely fast digestive tracks, he would shit your actual genitals right back into your mouth.

These attacks seem common in BC. If there is even the slightest possibility that I’d be lucky enough to witness a brutal cougar attack on a child, I am moving there immediately. I’d borrow children from the neighborhood and tie them to stakes in my backyard.

You know, like that scene with the goat in Jurassic Park.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

Getting mauled by a cougar is probably one of the shittiest things that could happen. I’m not talking about having your balls violently sucked by your best friend’s horny mother — not that kind of cougar, idiot. Mountain lions, pumas, panthers — the original cougar.

But yeah, cougar maulings — they suck. Don’t believe me? Just ask this dude:

“He’s right. A cougar used my face for a chew toy and it was pretty shitty.” — Victim

BRITISH COLUMBIA — 11-year-old Austin Forman was almost eaten yesterday when a cougar wandered onto his family’s property. He was gathering firewood outside with his dog Angel at dusk when the large cat darted towards them. The dog heroically battled the cougar and bought the boy valuable time to run inside and call police.

When the police arrived just minutes later, they found the cougar chewing on the golden retriever’s neck under the back porch — so they shot it to death (the cougar, not the dog).

Angel survived, but suffered head injuries during the altercation.

Hey, WAIT A MINUTE. Was this a female cougar? There’s no point in writing a story about a kid and dog who didn’t die after being attacked by a female cougar. Female cougars only reach about 100 pounds, while the males are double that size. Male cougars fight bears and wolves. Female cougars fight rabbits and weasels. I just wasted 30 minutes.

Had this been a male cougar, this story would have went like this: Cougar kills 11-year-old boy and dog before they even knew there was a fucking cougar in the yard. Then cougar enters dead child’s home, murders father with an axe, and rapes his mother.

Edit: I guess it’s important to mention that the mauling victim shown above is not the 11-year-old boy from this story. The victim above is an adult — his hospital photo merely serves as an example of what happens when you fuck with cougars.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “I’d still like a picture posted of a mauled child. Some of us still like to masturbate.” — Killerwit

Leave your comments in the comments section below.