TORONTO — It is with great sadness that I report the passing of Samantha, the Toronto Zoo’s oldest gorilla. Samantha was euthanized this week after suffering two serious strokes. She leaves behind five offspring and her loving mate Charles the Silverback.
Gorillas age faster than humans. Their lifespan is only 30-50 years, and Samantha was only 37-years-old — still in the prime of her life. If she was a human woman, she would be about the same age as Samantha Jones from Sex and the City.
SCOTLAND — Scottish brewers James Watt and Martin Dickie have created a monstrosity of alcoholic proportions. No, not Lindsay Lohan — I’m talking about “The End of History” blond Belgian ale. Each bottle comes pre-fitted with its own unique… “pouch” if you will.
Fuck it. It’s a beer bottle shoved up the ass of a dead animal until it came out the mouth.
Watt and Dickie own BrewDog brewery in Scotland, and they are pioneers on the forefront of beer making. If you don’t know shit about beer, allow me to explain.
There is beer, and then there is good beer. Most of the pisswater (read: Bud Light) that you buy in stores has about 5% alcohol per volume. Malt liquor is beer that has more alcohol in it — usually around 7% per volume. Before today, the strongest beer I’ve ever heard of was 13% alcohol per volume, which is on par with wine.
BrewDog’s “The End of History” beer is 55% — stronger than most whiskey, so it’s not only the first beer ever served out of a dead animal, but also the strongest beer ever.
This isn’t the kind of beer that you drink at frat parties. At $765 per bottle, “The End of History” is best enjoyed by yourself in a quiet room, so you can sip it slowly and appreciate the delicate and complex flavors of the squirrel and weasel hair.
BrewDog has only produced 12 bottles of this stuff so far, and they sold out quickly. All of the animals used were roadkill, but their corpses were in good condition — probably hit by a Smart car. Rumor has it, they are in cahoots with Richard Gere to create smaller bottles using dead gerbils — Gere Beer.
Animal rights advocates douchebags are butthurt by BrewDog’s exploitation of animal corpses to market their beer, but James Watt says he’d rather the animals be “celebrated and valued than left to rot.” That’s a good point: Fuck funerals. If I ever get killed, I hope someone shoves a wine bottle up my ass and sells me to a rich necrophiliac.
You can’t purchase “The End of History” beer right now because it’s sold out, but you can make your own. Right now, I’m sippin’ Kool-Aid out of a raccoon.
QUEBEC, CANADA — Early Friday, two camels and a tiger were en route to a Toronto-area zoo all the way from Nova Scotia. They weren’t traveling unattended, of course — all three animals were secured in a livestock trailer that was being towed by a Ford F-550. I don’t know shit about trucks, but the bigger the F number, the better. I think.
The truck driver decided after many hours on the road, to pull over at a motel. While he was sleeping, someone stole the entire rig. Police recovered the F-550 later that day, but the trailer had been disconnected and the animals were gone too.
Everyone in Quebec waited anxiously all weekend for news that a tiger had killed someone, but it never happened. Finally, last night, a tip led police the abandoned livestock trailer with all three animals inside — they had even been cared for.
Investigators were baffled that someone would steal a valuable truck, trailer, and animals only to abandon them a few days later. Police don’t have any suspects at the moment, and their only clue is that they are looking for a person who isn’t very smart.
In order to assist the investigators assigned to this case, I have compiled a list of possible theories of what happened — from least to most likely:
#3: The camels jacked the truck and took it on a joy ride, while keeping the tiger locked up in the back. The truck broke down, but the camels got a local farmer to tow the trailer to a secluded location so they could party. After 3 days of heavy drug use and drinking, the animals decided that zoo life is better, so they anonymously reported their whereabouts.
#2: An animal rights activist followed the truck driver from Nova Scotia and waited until he pulled over for the night to steal the animals. The activist then had sex with the animals and also cared for them for three days until he had to return to his family in Nova Scotia. He does this every weekend, and his wife is totally cool with it.
#1: A professional livestock trailer thief spotted the F-550 and trailer parked outside the motel. He decided to jack the whole rig, ditch the truck somewhere close, and then sell the trailer and those funny-lookin’ humpback horses to a friend. Unfortunately, nobody wanted them because tigers and camels aren’t worth much on the Canadian black market.
Only those three animals know the real truth about what happened, but at least they weren’t harmed or violated in any way — unless my second theory is correct.
As for the thief that got away, he’ll have a great story to tell his grandkids one day: “Did I ever tell you guys about the time I stole a trailer that had a tiger and two camels inside?” — “Yes grandpa, but how does it end? — “I admired ‘em for a few days and then left ‘em alone.”
Leave me alone because I didn’t fuck a squid.
And who are you to judge me, even if I did?
You say I’d fuck a squid, but you confuse the species, Chuck.
A squid is not an octopus, and that is what I fuck.
WALES — Andrew Dymond, 46, was recently arrested for possessing an array of bizarre and illegal porn, including child porn and — my personal favorite — animal porn.
Police found photos of people having sex with dogs, horses, and even squids octopuses on his computer.
Prosecutors amended one of Dymond’s charges when investigators realized it could have been an octopus in the picture, instead of a squid. Apparently there’s not only a difference between the two creatures, but also the level of depravity involved in masturbating to pictures of them.
I always considered squids to be equally as grotesque as octopuses, but I was wrong. After learning the differences between the two, I found octopuses much more sexually attractive. I don’t know what it is about them, but they really are striking creatures.
Dymond faces 24 charges, 10 of which are for possession of “extreme” pornography. He was released on bail under the conditions that he can’t access children or the internet.
Luckily, the police didn’t take away his wetsuit.
I did some research on octopuses and it turns out a lot of people fuck them, but nobody talks about it. In fact, the number of wild octopus rapes has tripled in the last decade.
If you’re going to try this at home, make sure the octopus is dead before you stick your penis inside it, otherwise you’re likely to have it bitten off. You have been warned.
Edit: I have just learned that it’s possible to rape living octopuses if you wear an armored diving suit with a chainmail condom extension, but it totally takes away all the feeling :/
Since I live in Canada, I thought it would be a good idea to write about some Canadian news. When something awesome happens in Canada, it’s usually nature-related. You may occasionally see a headline like “Man Killed in Highway Collision with Moose” or “Residents Complain Noisy Goose Family Needs to ‘Flock’-Off,” but most of the time it’s mundane.
Today is different though because I’ve got a picture of the world’s largest beaver dam.
That is an aerial photograph of the Wood Buffalo park in northern Alberta, Canada. That shitty-looking thing in the middle is a beaver dam nearly 1/2 mile wide. Chew on that.
The dam was actually discovered over two years ago by an ecologist using Google Earth to survey the area. That’s right, even the fucking beavers have no privacy these days. It’s only a matter of time before Google Streetview captures a married beaver cheating on his wife with a lowly muskrat, and then he ends up suing Google for ruining his marriage.
By now you’re probably thinking, “If the dam was discovered two years ago, why is it just now making the front page of Canadian Google News?”
The answer is I have no fuckin’ clue, but some people are acting like these beavers are gods now. Let’s get one thing straight: beavers are mortal. I can tell you first-hand that beavers aren’t even that great, unless you judge greatness by the ability to chew wood.
A beaver is basically a backwards platypus, but platypuses have poison spines on their legs which makes them deadly, unlike a beaver. It’s clear that if beavers didn’t have the ability to build dams, they would just be referred to as “worthless backwards platypuses” and they’d probably be extinct because everyone would kill them out of hate.
Beavers don’t just chew down trees — they leave behind a dangerous wooden spike that could easily puncture a foot. Hikers are regularly impaled on these spikes.
The best thing about beavers is their skin makes excellent hats. If you’re ever in the market for a beaver skin hat, be wary of the cheap muskrat skin knockoffs.
Without further delay, here are some facts about the massive beaver dam:
- 1/2 mile wide and was constructed by several generations of beavers.
- Made entirely of rocks, mud, wood, and the bones of missing hunters.
- Has potential to expand and connect to adjacent dams, creating an ULTRA DAM.
- Probably smells like shit.
If you want to learn more about beavers or dams, I suggest contacting a psychiatrist.
This isn’t the kind of beer that you drink at frat parties. At $765 per bottle, “The End of History” is best enjoyed by yourself in a quiet room, so you can sip it slowly and appreciate the delicate and complex flavors of the squirrel and weasel hair.
Leave me alone because I didn’t fuck a squid.
