I’ve had intimate relationships with deer, so I know a lot about them — they are aggressive as fuck. A large male deer — or “buck” — can impale you with his antlers and kick your head in. If a buck attacks you in the wild, defend yourself with a large knife, not a gun (guns are violent). If you actually kill a deer with a knife, you are a fucking legend.

WISCONSIN — Deer have reached a new low. Mark Brye, a plumber from rural Wisconsin, woke up last week to the aftermath of a bizarre animal showdown in his backyard. His 640-pound stone elk lawn ornament was knocked over, and a dead deer lay 20 feet away.

The buck attacked the stone lawn ornament after mistaking it for a real animal. Boiling with frustration, the buck headbutted the stone elk hard enough to knock it over. It staggered 20 feet and collapsed from a self-inflicted crushed skull.

After Mark Byre reported the incident, the local conservation warden granted him permission to butcher the 180-pound deer for its tasty meat.

Deer are extra pissed off during the Fall because this is when the “Rut” begins. Most people call it the “Rut,” but it basically means “Fucking Season.” It’s the time of year when bucks get horny and look for fights — hmmm… sound like familiar behavior?

Deer are also capable of committing “douchebaggery.” (Notice the antler-like hair)

Byre’s elk statue remains on its side, too heavy to lift. “I can’t tip it back up until I get a whole bunch of guys to help me,” he says.

Sources: 1

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

There’s an old saying that goes, “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it also knock over a power line that ends up electrocuting over a dozen animals?”

MONTANA — Earlier this month, electrical crews in northwestern Montana discovered a live power line downed in the woods, along with a necro-zoo of animal corpses nearby.

The electrocuted remains of five whitetail deer, four black bears, two wolves, one coyote and a turkey vulture were found near the power line.

This photo is from a separate incident, but that doesn’t make it any less awesome.

Officials believe a dry tree fell on the high-voltage power line during the summer. A biologist for Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks said a whitetail deer probably walked into the line first and its carcasses attracted other animals, including predators, which were in turn electrocuted. [1]

All of the carcasses were at varying stages of decomposition, meaning that the electrocutions took place separately over a period of several months.

Roger Pitman, operations superintendent at the Lincoln Electric Cooperative played down the incident and joked around by saying, “We’re just thankful there weren’t any two-legged creatures up there, except for the turkey vulture.”

Why didn’t anyone take a picture of the aftermath?

Not to disappoint my readers, I re-created what it would probably look like to come upon a dozen dead animals of varying species in the woods.

This image took me an hour to make. If you don’t like it, fuck you.

Sources: 1

“Who wants a body massage?”

VIRGINIA — “You can never completely trust a male dog until you have masturbated him.”

Five Virginia Department of Corrections officers have been charged with animal cruelty after two incidents involving masturbating their K-9 unit (and videotaping it).

But they were only doing it because, APPARENTLY, your dog listens to you more if you jerk him off occasionally. Doesn’t it kind of make sense?

One of these dogs get’s masturbated by his owner. The other gets beaten.

They’re now known as The Dog Fondling 5 (or DF5). They are Kelvin Thompson, 25, Melvin Boone, 40, Adam R. Webb, 27, Cheri Campbell, 35, and Anthony Eldridge, 33.

Between June 16th and August 1st, a German shepherd was molested by the DF5 at least twice on film. One of them would touch the dog while the other four watched.

(Is it getting hot in here?)

According to Attorney Robert B. Beasley Jr., a corrections employee saw the video and was like “WTF” and reported it to a superior.

When asked if he knew why the officers videotaped the incidents, Beasley replied, “I don’t have the slightest idea — I really don’t.”

Terry Grimes, an attorney for one of the defendants also thinks it’s normal to touch dog penises. “I would characterize it as hazing,” he said. “If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.”

The DF5 will be on trial this Fall, but don’t expect an update unless they repeat offend. If you can find the video anywhere, e-mail me the link and I’ll put it up!

“Red rocket! Red rocket!”

Helpful tip: Dogs also appreciate a finger in their ass occasionally.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “When they knock a female pig up, they press on her back to give her the feeling of being fucked, and pigs have clits inside their vagina, so they enjoy it.” — TBK

“…And so my friend Sara comes over and next thing you know the dog starts squirting doggy juice and it hits her right in the face a few times.” — Ashley

Leave your comments in the section below.

LOUSIANA — There’s no nice way to put this: 20-year-old Aaron Simoneaux murdered his neighbor’s dog with a samurai sword last New Year’s Eve. Rest in peace, Slappy.

Slappy, the chow mix that died honorably by the blade.

Today, a Lake Charles judge sentenced Simoneaux to seven years in prison for what many are calling a demented, ruthless crime.

Last New Year’s Eve, little Slappy wandered over to Simoneaux because fireworks in a nearby yard were scaring her (you know how dogs are). Simoneaux had been drinking and playing with a samurai sword. Alcohol and swords — A classic combo!

Unfortunately for Slappy, Simoneaux HATES dogs — especially Slappy’s particular chow mix breed. Years ago, a similar-looking dog bit Simoneaux in his face and left permanent scars. He’s had a horrible fear and hatred for canines ever since.

The dog’s caretaker, meanwhile, was inside getting his kids something to drink. He came back outside in time to see Simoneaux cutting the dog up. [1]

Witnesses said Simoneaux’s attack was unprovoked, and that he “carved up” the dog for his own sick amusement. In August, he pleaded guilty to aggravated cruelty to an animal in hopes that he would be sentenced to an 18-month prison boot camp program.

The judge had a better idea though — seven years in prison, bitch!

Simoneaux appeared tearful at his sentencing, but nobody feels bad for an animal torturer because it’s frowned upon even more than killing a human.

I think seven years in prison would be better for Simoneaux than boot camp. I’m a firm believer than getting anally raped in the shower for seven years is a far more effective punishment than some buzz-cut military asshole with coffee-shit breath screaming in your face for 18 months. The American Army already has enough animal torturers.

Bonus: Now Simoneaux has time read tons of books about samurais.

Sources: 1

A gamekeeper in Uganda had a close brush with death this weekend. He disturbed a full-grown hippopotamus while it was eating. Big mistake, buddy!

Luckily, Ugandans are crazy fast runners.

Most people don’t know this, but hippos are fucking insane. They can run up to 30mph — faster than any human — and they also kill more humans than any other African animal.

Most people that have seen a hippo up-close in the wild are DEAD.

This photo deserves to win some sort of National Geographic award.

Even crocodiles can’t fuck with hippos. A crocodile will often target baby hippo calves in the water, but the adults will team up and destroy it.

Despite all this violence towards humans and crocodiles, hippos rarely kill each other. I guess that makes them more civilized than humans. Fuck humans!

Bonus fact (compliments of Wikipedia): Some incidents of hippo cannibalism have been documented, but it is believed to be the behavior of distressed or sick hippos, and not healthy behavior. — I guess we aren’t so different after all.