“Mullumbimby High School is set against a picturesque backdrop of riverbanks and rainforest at the edge of Mullumbimby,” New South Wales, Australia.

That’s a direct quote from Mullumbimby High School’s website, but I didn’t believe it either, so I looked it up on Google’s Street View. It’s just another shitty school.

It’s got a few palm trees. Yay.

The school’s website also claims that they have an Anti-Bullying Policy — Students are specifically educated about the consequences of bullying. It’s like sex ed, but instead of condoms and period-talk, it’s about bullying.

Another one of the “strategies” defined in the Anti-Bullying policy is “the provision of lunchtime support for students who are at risk in the playground” — protection in case one of the rival playground gangs tries to beat you to death.

That would never happen, would it? Playground gangs? LOL!

Stop laughing, asshole. On Friday morning, 15-year-old schoolboy Jai Morcom was beaten to death during a fight on the Mullumbimby High School playground.

Dozens of students and teachers witnessed the fight, but the story is still unclear. One thing is known though: The fight originally started over a “game” in which rival playground gangs compete for the “best lunch seats” outside.

This particular fight was between the two gangs known as the “Emos” and the “Footy Heads” — the Australian equivalent to Goths Vs. Jocks. Judging from his haircut in the picture below, Jai was most likely one of the Emos.

Bonus victim fact: Jai has a brother named Mayo — like ‘mayonnaise’

At lunch time, one of the Footy Heads stole a seat from the Emos and all Hell broke loose. Remember, this is a GAME that they play. I feel stupid just writing about it.

Yeah, so somehow Jai ended up involved in the fight that erupted and he was beat into a coma by several people. He was on life support until yesterday, and then he died.

The Mullumbimby High School playground is now a crime scene, and police have dozens of witnesses to interview and cross-examine. I guess they don’t know that Friday was National Emo Kid Beatdown Day. This year, Jai was the unfortunate “chosen one.”

“Nothing to see here, just a holiday taking progress.”

A lot of people know what it’s like to have a creepy neighbor. If you don’t, then you haven’t lived next door to me yet. But I’m creepy in that awesome kind of way. Hehehe. That was supposed to be a creepy laugh.

One teenage girl who isn’t amused by the feeling of an ominous presence living next to her is Jenny Ballhair, from Sydney, Australia. I made up that name to protect her identity.

Jenny was molested by her neighbor when she was 12-years-old. The man fully served a five year prison term, but two weeks ago, he moved back into his old house next door.

Naturally, Jenny is displeased about this.

“When I’m here (at home) I stay in my room and I don’t talk to anyone. Every time I hear the front door it’s like, ‘Who’s there?’,” she said.

You know, I feel the same way whenever someone comes to my door too. One time, I was positive that an army of bloodthirsty midgets were on my porch. I hid under the bed for four days and had to drink my own urine to survive. Turns out it was just a few Girl Scouts selling cookies. Had I known that, I would’ve answered the door naked.

Mmm, yeah I’ll take a box of Tagalongs, and two boxes of Samoas.

No, but seriously, this shit is fucked. What kind of a dickass molests a kid, let alone moves back in next door after being released from prison? Are there no such thing as restraining orders in Australia?

If it were up to me, the perverted neighbor would be castrated and lobotomized before being released from prison. Psychology has shown that sex offenders are generally untreatable. Whatever kind of weird shit arouses a person cannot be changed. A man can’t force himself to give up vagina in order to start enjoying a dick sandwich just for the fuck of it. Your boner has a brain too and it’s way more powerful than the one up top.