I just did a Google image search for “quadruplets” expecting to find pictures of sexy quadruplet centerfolds engaged in various incestuous acts, but I only got pictures of newborn infants. Before refining my search to “quadruplets fuck,” I found this image:
This woman not only beat the 1:729,000 odds of having quadruplets, but it appears that she did it all completely without any physical body below her armpits. How did this woman carry four fetuses to full term in that tiny chest cavity without it complicating her normal heart and lung activity? The marvels of modern medicine continue to amaze me!
The third baby over (with his eyes closed) looks like he is holding a microphone up to his mouth and busting some nursery rhymes. Are babies born to mothers with no lower-half destined to become musicians? Judging from the photo above, at least 1/4 of them are.
Other questions to ponder while looking at this picture include:
- How did the woman even get pregnant if she doesn’t have a vagina?
- Did a man have sex with her, or did she just splash some sperm on herself down there?
- Why is one of her biceps so much thicker than the other?
- Was this article really worth the 2 minutes it took to read it?
SCOTLAND — When Barbara Garry, 34, was looking after a 2-year-old child last month, she had no idea that drinking alcohol was a bad decision. Before she knew it, she was blackout drunk, stumbling down a crowded street with the toddler in a stroller packed with booze.
Witnesses watched in horror as Garry fell into oncoming traffic, dragging the stroller down with her. The baby suffered minor injuries after being ejected from the stroller and landing in the middle of the road with cars and buses swerving to avoid it.
When police arrived, Barbara Garry was so drunk that she didn’t even know she had a child with her, so they arrested her. She promptly vomited in the backseat of their car.
Garry’s trial was this week and although she has “no recollection” of the incident, but according to her attorney, “she was horrified she could put the child in danger and horrified by what might have happened.”Garry received 12 months probation.
Somehow, the child remains in Barbara Garry’s care because apparently, drunken toddlers get spilled into the streets by their drunken mothers all the time in Scotland. If this is true, I need to get a passport immediately and see this shit before they run out of babies.
It’s safe to say that a 2-year-old child would be safer living by itself than with this lady.
Bonus: Barbara Garry is the definition of fugly. Someone hand my dick a barfbag! I mean that my penis actually wants to vomit, not ejaculate.
FLORIDA — With the Bubble Boy hoax still fresh in America’s mind, Floridian Susan Baker had a better trick up her sleeve — stash a baby in a box, and not tell anyone.
A baby missing for five days was found alive and well under her baby sitter’s bed, and Florida authorities said Thursday they plan to charge the sitter, her husband and the child’s mother. [1]
Susan Baker was babysitting 7-month-old Shannon Dedrick on Halloween when the little girl went missing. Over 100 law enforcement agents and other volunteers combed the nearby swamps, but found no traces of the baby until they searched Baker’s home.
Inside Baker’s home, investigators found Shannon tucked in a box under a bed with items organized around the box as if to conceal it.
How she ever fit into a box with a massive melon like that is unknown.
Now it’s time to play the Scary Facts About Susan Baker Game!
In 1987, Susan Baker’s 3-year-old stepson, Paul Baker, went missing. He apparently disappeared while she was “napping,” and they never found his body.
That same year, Susan was charged with assault and battery with intent to kill after her 6-year-old daughter was found to be severely beaten — her hands were broken as well. She was convicted and sentenced to 10 years in prison, but only served 80 days.
80 days for beating the fuck out of a kid. Is that all you get? Hmmmm…
This is what Paul Baker would look like if Susan hadn’t killed him in ‘87.
Something tells me Susan Baker won’t be baking anything for a long time (Goddamn baking jokes. Sorry guys, that’s all I got for you. It’s Friday, for the love of dicks).
I had no idea you could leave infants completely on their own for five days (in the dark) without them dying. I’m gonna save a ton of money on babysitters when I have kids.
Which will be never.
Leave your comments in the comments section below.
RUSSIA — 9-month-old Ali Yakubov is by all means a normal Russian infant — well, except for the fact that sacred Islamic verses “miraculously” appear on his skin every week.
Religious leaders in Dagestan say the verse “Be thankful or grateful to God” appeared on Ali Yakubov’s right leg in Arabic script earlier this week. By the time foreign journalists had arrived, the verse had faded to a single letter.[1]
Nearly 2,000 Muslim pilgrims visit the family’s home every day to offer prayers and look at photos of the verses that previously appeared on the baby.
The child’s mother explained to reporters how her son behaves during these, um, miracles. “It’s impossible to hold him,” she said. “He cries, lifts that part of the body [where the verse appears], his temperature goes up to 105 degrees, and he doesn’t sleep all night.”
Yeah that’s usually how kids behave WHEN YOU TORTURE THEM.
Jesus titty-fuckin’ Christ! This has to be the lowest-budget miracle I’ve ever seen. A Virgin Mary shitting bloody diarrhea that splatters on the floor and turns into snakes is a fucking miracle.
Somebody do this kid a favor and call Social Services, if they even have that in Russia.
WINNIPEG, MANITOBA — When people in Winnipeg have problems, who do they call? Nobody. They just grab a baby and smash it into the concrete, or stab it in the head.
Three weeks ago, Tyler Bilsborrow rescued an infant when he saw a woman repeatedly smashing its face into the concrete outside his home. He recounted the grisly details:
“She just grabbed the baby and started smashing it like, ‘Ahhhhhhhh,’” says Tyler.
Nikita Eaglestick is the woman who abducted the baby girl and bashed her face in earlier this month. Prior to this attack, Nikita was out on bail for attacking a woman with a screwdriver. Judging from the picture below, she’s in some kind of violent gang.
Nikita Eaglestick throwin’ up Native American gang signs in Hell.
On Saturday, another brutal attack involving a baby was reported in the same housing complex mentioned above — only Tyler Bilsborrow wasn’t there to stop it this time.
An 8-month-old boy was rushed to the hospital in serious condition after being stabbed in the head during an argument between his mother and father.
“Police said that a verbal dispute between the father and the baby’s mother began inside the woman’s home around 4 p.m. and escalated when the man swung a metal object at the woman, who was holding the baby. Police wouldn’t say what the object was, only that it was metal, sharp and not something normally used as a weapon.”[1]
I’m guessing the weapon was a either potato peeler or a fancy knight’s helmet.
Both parents were suspected of drinking alcohol prior to the argument (surprise). “Dude, this weekend was crazy! I got drunk and stabbed my kid in the head with a potato peeler!”
The father was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, assault with a weapon, and two counts of violating restraining orders. The mother was not charged.
“Nothing to see here, people — except for that sweet bloodstain over there.”
And people say nothing interesting ever happens in Canada. Hah!
