WISCONSIN — Last night, Julie Bailey and her roommate Bruce Collins were devising a plan to raise some money to buy crack. Two-months pregnant, Julie needed to make sure she smoked crack at least twice a day — once for her, and once for the baby.

After polishing off a 12-pack of beer each, Julie and Bruce decided to pawn a ring for some crack money, so they went to a pawn shop fucking K-Mart and tried to barter with a cashier in the jewelry department. As expected, they were turned away.

Back at home, Bruce hatched another plan. He handed Julie a hammer and told her to “rob some place” for drug money while he waited at home. She agreed that was a good idea, stuffed the hammer in her pocket, and set off her mission.

Sorry, I don’t know how Nick Nolte ended up in this image.

Drunk as hell with a hammer jammed in her skin-tight shorts, Julie wandered into to a restaurant called Taco John’s and approached the cashier. Her exact words were, “I want a soft shell and give me all of your money.” She tried to pull the hammer out of her pocket, but her thick thighs and tight shorts combined with the rubber grip handle of the hammer made it impossible to pull out. The employees laughed and then called 911.

Police arrived minutes later and captured Julie after a short pursuit on foot. She was carrying the hammer in her hand when she was arrested. Perhaps the perspiration that she generated while running lubed the hammer enough to pull out of her pocket.

Both Julie and Bruce were charged with crimes relating to the unsuccessful robbery, and were scheduled to be back in court this afternoon. In Julie’s defense, aside from the money, she only asked for one soft shell taco. That’s gotta count for something, right?

Sources: 1, 2

CHINA — After Chen Chuanliu’s 4-year-old daughter was kidnapped a few weeks ago, he didn’t want to take any chances on losing his 2-year-old son. Losing a daughter isn’t a big deal to most Chinese parents, but male children are very important to the family. A pedicab driver by day, Chen only has one child left and he’ll do anything to keep him safe.

Rather than spending his wages on a babysitter, Chen chains his son to a lamppost.

Despite the fact that some most people consider this blatant child neglect, there are several benefits of chaining your child to a lamppost outside a Beijing mall.

1) One less mouth to feed. Face it, it breaks peoples’ hearts to see a starving child on the street. Eventually, someone will give that kid some food, then you won’t have to.

2) Possible fighting career. When this kid grows up, he’s going to be a martial arts champion. Chuck Norris also spent his childhood chained to a lamppost in Beijing.

3) Bait. Like a worm on a hook for fishing, a baby chained to a lamppost is impossibly tempting for wild animals and child molesters alike. “Tonight, we eat coyote!”

4) Tetherball. If your baby doesn’t survive the winter chained to a lamppost, the least you can do is have some fun with it before the funeral. Get the neighborhood kids to join!

Besides, if chaining your kid to a lamppost is so “bad,” why hasn’t anyone stopped it?

Personally, I would choose a babysitter over a lamppost. I can’t have sex with a lamppost.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “You can have sex with a lamppost, just cut some holes.” — Bill

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TENNESSEE — On Tuesday, 21-year-old April Wright awoke at 1:45am. She immediately noticed that her 4-year-old son Hayden was missing. He had broken a child-safety lock on the door and went outside to have a beer and steal presents from neighbors.

Before sneaking out of the house, the 4-year-old grabbed a can of beer from the fridge. Then, he broke into a neighbors house and stole five gifts from under the Christmas tree.

Hayden Wright, Chattanooga demon child.

After his crime spree, Hayden returned home and was found outside by his mother. He was drunk and wearing a little girl’s dress (one of the five gifts he stole).

According to April Wright, Hayden knew exactly what he was doing: “He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that’s where his daddy is.” (actual quote)

Hayden was taken to the hospital and treated for alcohol consumption. After the incident, child protective services requested to meet with April, but didn’t find her at fault for anything other than failing at life in general — she’s a good mom otherwise.

April explains to a reporter the mystery of how Hayden’s father agreed to fuck her.

Wright herself serves as a PSA about the consequences of teenage pregnancy. If anyone you know is a pregnant teenager, please, pressure her into getting an abortion. And mention it sooner than later because coat hangers don’t work as well as you’d think.

Well, unless you sharpen the tip of the hanger first.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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