CHINA — After Chen Chuanliu’s 4-year-old daughter was kidnapped a few weeks ago, he didn’t want to take any chances on losing his 2-year-old son. Losing a daughter isn’t a big deal to most Chinese parents, but male children are very important to the family. A pedicab driver by day, Chen only has one child left and he’ll do anything to keep him safe.

Rather than spending his wages on a babysitter, Chen chains his son to a lamppost.

Despite the fact that some most people consider this blatant child neglect, there are several benefits of chaining your child to a lamppost outside a Beijing mall.

1) One less mouth to feed. Face it, it breaks peoples’ hearts to see a starving child on the street. Eventually, someone will give that kid some food, then you won’t have to.

2) Possible fighting career. When this kid grows up, he’s going to be a martial arts champion. Chuck Norris also spent his childhood chained to a lamppost in Beijing.

3) Bait. Like a worm on a hook for fishing, a baby chained to a lamppost is impossibly tempting for wild animals and child molesters alike. “Tonight, we eat coyote!”

4) Tetherball. If your baby doesn’t survive the winter chained to a lamppost, the least you can do is have some fun with it before the funeral. Get the neighborhood kids to join!

Besides, if chaining your kid to a lamppost is so “bad,” why hasn’t anyone stopped it?

Personally, I would choose a babysitter over a lamppost. I can’t have sex with a lamppost.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “You can have sex with a lamppost, just cut some holes.” — Bill

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

TENNESSEE — On Tuesday, 21-year-old April Wright awoke at 1:45am. She immediately noticed that her 4-year-old son Hayden was missing. He had broken a child-safety lock on the door and went outside to have a beer and steal presents from neighbors.

Before sneaking out of the house, the 4-year-old grabbed a can of beer from the fridge. Then, he broke into a neighbors house and stole five gifts from under the Christmas tree.

Hayden Wright, Chattanooga demon child.

After his crime spree, Hayden returned home and was found outside by his mother. He was drunk and wearing a little girl’s dress (one of the five gifts he stole).

According to April Wright, Hayden knew exactly what he was doing: “He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that’s where his daddy is.” (actual quote)

Hayden was taken to the hospital and treated for alcohol consumption. After the incident, child protective services requested to meet with April, but didn’t find her at fault for anything other than failing at life in general — she’s a good mom otherwise.

April explains to a reporter the mystery of how Hayden’s father agreed to fuck her.

Wright herself serves as a PSA about the consequences of teenage pregnancy. If anyone you know is a pregnant teenager, please, pressure her into getting an abortion. And mention it sooner than later because coat hangers don’t work as well as you’d think.

Well, unless you sharpen the tip of the hanger first.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Please leave your comments in the comments section below.