I’ve wanted to write a story from a weird perspective for awhile now. Hopefully you can stay focused on this epic journey. This is a true story.

PENNSYLVANIA — Transport back to the night of January 11th, 2009 in Sandy Lake Township, Pennsylvania. Your name is James Alan Stiver and you’re walking home from the local bar with an additional 30-pack of beers. Tonight, yer gettin’ fucked up.

It’s a long and boring walk home, so you consume the entire 30-pack. You walk by a barn. Inside the barn, a lamb cries out to you — it says, “Baaah. Haaaave sex with me.”

The bleating lamb beckons you into the barn. She’s laying in the corner, staring at you with those lusty eyes. Something about those eyes drives your boner wild.

It’s time.

You position the little lamb at the end of your “love rocket” and pull her backwards into it as you thrust forward, obliterating the animal’s tiny lamb vagina. It cries in pain.

Since this probably isn’t your first time fucking the sheep in this barn, the owner of the barn has installed a baby monitor and can hear her lamb in distress. Damn technology!

You’re about to climax when the barn owner walks in and interrupts with, “What are you doing to my animals?!” Tell her it’s not what it looks like.

“I’m homeless and the sheep are keeping me warm,” you explain as virgin lamb blood drips from your testicles. She leaves and calls the police, so you get dressed and leave.

The police find you walking home from the barn. Your pants are undone and, from the blood caked to your penis, it’s evident that YOU are the trespassing sheep fucker.

You’re arrested and charged with felony trespassing, sex with an animal, and animal cruelty (the lamb you raped had to be euthanized because of its injuries).

Fast forward to the present time. You’ve been in jail since January.

The court dropped the animal cruelty charges after a plea bargain. This Friday was your sentencing date and the judge gave you 1 to 3 years in prison. Your statement to the court was heartfelt and apologetic — along the lines of:

“My sincere apologies to the victims involved. My time in jail has reaffirmed my religious beliefs and I have been reading the Bible. And PS, this was seriously my first time fucking a sheep.”

You hope everyone in prison really believes that you’re serving 3 years for robbery.

Bonus: I did a Google Image search for James Alan Stiver and found this picture:

Probably not the same guy, but he could still definitely pass as a sheep fucker.

Sources: 1

You may have heard of Kenneth Pinyan, also known as Mr. Hands. Kenneth achieved Internet fame in 2005 after a popular video showed him being anally penetrated by a horse — Imagine the infamous Paris Hilton sex tape, but in a stable at night.

“I just love animals. A lot. Like, way more than normal.” – Kenneth Pinyan

Unfortunately, Kenneth never got to brag about his fame because he died of a perforated colon shortly after the horse (pictured above) destroyed his anus.

Kenneth’s video coupled with the news of his “tragic” death scared a lot of horse fuckers (zoophiles). “You can die from a giant horse erection being shoved into your intestinal tract?”

Yet the horse-touching continues.

SOUTH CAROLINA — Rodell Vereen has been arrested for the second time in a year for having sex with Barbara Kenley’s horse, Sugar. On July 19th, Rodell was caught on surveillance tape standing on a haystack behind Sugar and thrusting himself into her.

“Police kept telling me it couldn’t be the same guy,” Barbara told reporters Wednesday. “I couldn’t believe that there were two guys going around doing this to the same horse.”

The police were wrong and Barbara knew it. Armed with a shotgun, she spent several nights in Sugar’s stable. On Monday night, Rodell returned. Barbara chased Rodell back to his truck, where she held him at gunpoint until police arrived and arrested him.

After police watched Barbara’s video footage, Rodell was charged with buggery — vaginal intercourse by either a man or a woman with an animal.

“At least it was a female horse” is the only defending statement I can come up with.

This is Rodell’s second buggery offense — he was sentenced to three years of probation last year for having sex with the same horse. He was also ordered to stay away from the horse stables and declared a sex offender.

Women have been having sex with donkeys and horses for decades, but every time a guy wants to have some equestrial love adventures, people get all “Ewww” about it. America has way too many double standards — Horses need love too.

Bonus mugshot: