Chuck Norris and I have a special relationship — we communicate with each other telepathically. Today, I was wishing Chuck a happy birthday when our brain link was interrupted by the news of Corey Haim’s untimely death.

Actor Corey Haim died of an accidental drug overdose today. He was 38-years-old and one of the best child stars of the ’80s. The problem is, it’s also the 70th birthday of legendary God Chuck Norris. Chuck was drinking his 70th birthday manshake when he heard the news, and it put a spoil on his whole day.

Both Chuck and myself have been fans of Corey Haim since 1986 when we saw the movie Silver Bullet together — our favorite scene was when Corey shot a bottle rocket into the werewolf preacher’s eye. Remember that, Chuck?

As an outspoken anti-drug Christian, Chuck Norris hates all the pharmaceutical companies cashing in on the misery of depressed Americans. That’s something he can’t stop by himself.

Chuck Norris had big plans for his 70th birthday. To prove that he’s completely unaffected by advancing age, he was going to fight seventy other 70-year-olds at the same time, while simultaneously catching falling babies from a burning building.

But ultimately, we both decided it would be insensitive to have that much fun on the same day as losing our beloved Corey Haim to drugs.

Instead, we have decided to provide Sidecarsally readers with Chuck Norris-certified alternatives to dangerous life-raping prescription drugs:

Ritalin: Hang a menacing poster of Chuck Norris in the room with a hyperactive child to calm them.

Anti-depressants: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Viagra: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Obesity medication: The Chuck Norris Total Gym.

HIV medication: It’s probably best just to adhere to your usual prescription regimen.

What a bi-polar day, huh? RIP Corey Haim and happy birthday Chuck Norris. Oops, I meant to wish you a happy birthday first, Chuck — please don’t kill me.

True Fact: Chuck Norris plays Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on his Playstation 4.

I’ve got a midget that works for me under the table. Not because I don’t have an “authorized midget employer” permit, but because he’s too short to see over his workstation — so he works under it. His job is to alert me whenever a male celebrity gets arrested for (or goes on trial for) hitting a woman — then I write a story about it.

My midget has a very simple job, and he fucked it up. Did you know Charlie Sheen got arrested for assaulting his wife with a knife on Christmas? I didn’t. Normally, I would have released the dogs on my midget for letting that whopper slip by me, but he informed me that Sheen appeared in court today to be charged. I suppose my midget can live.

COLORADO — Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller were seen leaving an Aspen courthouse Monday, holding hands and smiling. One might think they just won a big lawsuit, but nope — Sheen was charged with three felonies for assaulting her.

On Christmas, Mueller told police that she threatened to divorce Sheen and take their twin sons with her. He replied by brandishing a knife and saying he could have her killed. Notice the clever use of words — he did not say “I will kill you,” but merely imposed that the possibility of her having an “untimely death” was in his hands — which is still a threat.

Sheen’s charges include felony menacing, assault, and criminal mischief. Apparently, only gangsters in movies can get away with threatening a hit on someone.

Sheen denies holding a knife to his wife’s neck, but admits to smashing her eyeglasses and “slapping her arm.” Smashing her glasses was a proper battle tactic, but arm-slapping? Replace that with a tit-slap and you’re onto something, Charles.

This isn’t the first time Sheen has terrorized a woman. In 1990, he accidentally shot actress Kelly Preston in the arm with a gun — she married John Travolta a year later (fail). Sheen was also charged with threatening his ex-wife Denise Richards with violence in ‘97.

But despite her husband’s death threats, Brooke Mueller wants the charges dismissed. “They hugged in the courtroom, they hugged downstairs and they are hugging in the car,” her attorney told reporters. I’m sure it was a real Jim Beam and Kodak moment.

If convicted, Sheen faces prison time and whatever else a person usually gets for felony menacing and assault — I forgot how long they locked me up for it.

Sources: 1, 2

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All day long, I’ve been sitting at my desk waiting for a celebrity to injure their genitals so I could post a blog about it. Well, my prayers have been answered.

SCOTLAND — Details magazine has reported that actor Channing Tatum suffered severe burns to his penis while filming a new movie. A film crew member was trying to keep the actor warm by pouring warm boiling hot water into his wetsuit.

This was all that remained of Cheryl’s husband after the fire.

Although his penis has healed, Tatum told Details that the burn was the most painful thing he has ever experienced in his life — even more painful than watching himself acting.

Ever since the movie Fighting, I don’t really like Channing Tatum. He’s always got a confused look on his face that seems to be asking, “Isn’t there an Ed Hardy store around here?” Plus, his fuckin’ name is Channing — do I need a better reason to hate someone?

As for the genius that didn’t realize hot water + penis = NO, his day is coming soon.

Sources: 1

You probably know by now that Brittany Murphy died yesterday. I was going to wait until after Brittany’s autopsy results to write an appropriate memorial article for her, but I became annoyed by a certain recurring Brittany Murphy death joke.

“I was CLUELESS all day that Brittany Murphy died!”

Oh, I get it — she was in the film Clueless, and you were clueless that — shut the fuck up.

I’m all for witty celebrity death jokes, and I generally start thinking of my own death jokes right after a celebrity dies. But is there any humor in Brittany Murphy’s death? Not really.

Brittany was good-lookin’ and this planet can’t afford to lose any more hot women, so it’s damn near always a tragedy when we do. Who’s next, Jennifer Love Hewitt? I might as well just cut my penis off if that happens — it’s been my life goal to bang JLH since I was 5.

I hope Jennifer Love Hewitt lives forever.

Jessica Simpson is having a rough year. First, she got fat. And then, Tony Romo broke up with her the night before her 29th birthday (probably because she got fat). Her most recent tragedy, however, is saddest of all: her dog was stolen on Monday… by a coyote.

With the help of the website FindToto.com, Jessica has launched a nationwide search for Daisy, the half-Maltese, half-Poodle dog — know by neighbors as “that yappy little shit.”

The great Jack Handy from Saturday Night Live once said, “If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because man, they’re gone.” The same applies if your dog is last seen being carried away in a coyote’s jaws.

You can send an e-mail to Jessica if you have any tips about the missing dog. Here’s a tip: Your dog was eaten and turned into coyote feces. Move on with your life.

Daisy was a cute dog and this is truly a sad story, but c’mon. Malti-Poo vs. Coyote? Life isn’t a fuckin’ Disney movie — THE DOG IS DEAD.

Bonus: At least we know for sure that Daisy didn’t run away because Jessica got fat.