Chuck Norris and I have a special relationship — we communicate with each other telepathically. Today, I was wishing Chuck a happy birthday when our brain link was interrupted by the news of Corey Haim’s untimely death.

Actor Corey Haim died of an accidental drug overdose today. He was 38-years-old and one of the best child stars of the ’80s. The problem is, it’s also the 70th birthday of legendary God Chuck Norris. Chuck was drinking his 70th birthday manshake when he heard the news, and it put a spoil on his whole day.

Both Chuck and myself have been fans of Corey Haim since 1986 when we saw the movie Silver Bullet together — our favorite scene was when Corey shot a bottle rocket into the werewolf preacher’s eye. Remember that, Chuck?

As an outspoken anti-drug Christian, Chuck Norris hates all the pharmaceutical companies cashing in on the misery of depressed Americans. That’s something he can’t stop by himself.

Chuck Norris had big plans for his 70th birthday. To prove that he’s completely unaffected by advancing age, he was going to fight seventy other 70-year-olds at the same time, while simultaneously catching falling babies from a burning building.

But ultimately, we both decided it would be insensitive to have that much fun on the same day as losing our beloved Corey Haim to drugs.

Instead, we have decided to provide Sidecarsally readers with Chuck Norris-certified alternatives to dangerous life-raping prescription drugs:

Ritalin: Hang a menacing poster of Chuck Norris in the room with a hyperactive child to calm them.

Anti-depressants: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Viagra: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Obesity medication: The Chuck Norris Total Gym.

HIV medication: It’s probably best just to adhere to your usual prescription regimen.

What a bi-polar day, huh? RIP Corey Haim and happy birthday Chuck Norris. Oops, I meant to wish you a happy birthday first, Chuck — please don’t kill me.

True Fact: Chuck Norris plays Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on his Playstation 4.

TEXAS — A 53-year-old woman is facing charges of “911 abuse” after calling dispatchers 30 times over a 6-month period for non-emergency reasons. Her most recent 911 call was to request police assistance because her husband wouldn’t eat his dinner.

911 abuse should technically be called “911 misuse” because some people mistake it for the physical abuse of the telephone number 911. How could a person inflict physical harm on a telephone number? Only Chuck Norris is capable of inflicting pain on non-living things.

And to clear up any remaining confusion, the woman mentioned in the first paragraph is not being charged with using Chuck Norris to inflict pain on the phone number 911.

This reminds of the time I was a 911 dispatcher. Some girl called in and was like, “Help! I’m being raped,” and I was like, “Calm down, how do you know you’re being raped?” And then I heard a guy scream something like “shut up, whore” in the background.

Girls are always falsely accusing men of rape, so I hung up. Unfortunately, I was fired the next day because some girl actually did get raped in my city and tried to call 911.

I sleep better at night by imagining her rapist looked like Jude Law.

Quality Comments: “From the sounds of this, her cooking was a crime.” — Spike Rogan

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