Marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You could be happily married for over a decade, then one day, your wife confesses that she sucked the penis of a teenage boy.

MICHIGAN — 32-year-old Norma Lira has three children with her husband. When her teenage daughter brought a male friend home one day last year, Norma was attracted to the new young man. “I’m gonna end up blowing that kid,” she thought. So she did.

Admit it: Slap some real eyebrows on her and you’d tap it.

Norma tried to hide the secret from her husband, but most women are emotional wrecks and it’s easy to read them. Her husband knew something was wrong, and (hopefully) beat a confession out of her. Afterward, he called the police and reported her crimes.

As of yesterday, Norma was being held at Oakland County Jail on a $50,000 bond, “after she turned herself in following a month-long investigation.” Her arraignment was set for today, but no updates have been posted.

Fun Fact: If you rearrange Norma Lira’s name, you get Roman Lair.

There should be a prison built specifically for MILFs like this. The MILF prison would have special cameras installed in the showers and toilets. The inmates would be forced to maintain their “hotness” through rigorous diet and exercise — and they would have to be naked all the time. They would also be forced to MILF Fight.

In a MILF Fight, I would pit Norma Lira against Michelle Kemp, a 30-year-old MILF from Florida who was charged last year with having sex with a teenager and giving him drugs.

Michelle Kemp, lookin’ good in stripes. My boner says, “hi.”

I’m shocked there isn’t MILF prison in existence already, especially in this day and age when all good ideas are taken. I nominate myself to be the warden of this facility if it ever gets built. I also forgot to mention all the MILFs have to share one bed — with me.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

BRITISH COLUMBIA — Davey Metzler, 7, would be a pile of bones right now if it weren’t for his courageous mother who rescued him from the jaws of a cougar. The incident occurred only two days before 11-year-old Austin Forman and his dog were similarly attacked.

“D-d-duh cougah twied to b-b-bite m-me, but my doggie saveded m-muh-me.”

Little Davey wasn’t as fortunate as Austin. He was tobogganing with his sister when the cougar pounced on his head. If there’s one thing a cougar hates, it’s a child having fun.

Davey’s mother witnessed the attack and ran to his aid. She grabbed a kitchen rag and snapped it in the cougar’s face until it ran away. Then she rushed her son to the hospital where he recovered with 22 stitches in his head.

Conservation officers killed two cougars nearby the next day. You know what that means:

Seriously though, a kitchen rag? Once again, I think we’re talking about a female cougar.

If you struck a male cougar in the face with anything less than an aluminum bat, he would kick you to the ground, stand over you in a 69 position, and take a giant shit in your screaming mouth while chewing off your genitals. If cougars had insanely fast digestive tracks, he would shit your actual genitals right back into your mouth.

These attacks seem common in BC. If there is even the slightest possibility that I’d be lucky enough to witness a brutal cougar attack on a child, I am moving there immediately. I’d borrow children from the neighborhood and tie them to stakes in my backyard.

You know, like that scene with the goat in Jurassic Park.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

Getting mauled by a cougar is probably one of the shittiest things that could happen. I’m not talking about having your balls violently sucked by your best friend’s horny mother — not that kind of cougar, idiot. Mountain lions, pumas, panthers — the original cougar.

But yeah, cougar maulings — they suck. Don’t believe me? Just ask this dude:

“He’s right. A cougar used my face for a chew toy and it was pretty shitty.” — Victim

BRITISH COLUMBIA — 11-year-old Austin Forman was almost eaten yesterday when a cougar wandered onto his family’s property. He was gathering firewood outside with his dog Angel at dusk when the large cat darted towards them. The dog heroically battled the cougar and bought the boy valuable time to run inside and call police.

When the police arrived just minutes later, they found the cougar chewing on the golden retriever’s neck under the back porch — so they shot it to death (the cougar, not the dog).

Angel survived, but suffered head injuries during the altercation.

Hey, WAIT A MINUTE. Was this a female cougar? There’s no point in writing a story about a kid and dog who didn’t die after being attacked by a female cougar. Female cougars only reach about 100 pounds, while the males are double that size. Male cougars fight bears and wolves. Female cougars fight rabbits and weasels. I just wasted 30 minutes.

Had this been a male cougar, this story would have went like this: Cougar kills 11-year-old boy and dog before they even knew there was a fucking cougar in the yard. Then cougar enters dead child’s home, murders father with an axe, and rapes his mother.

Edit: I guess it’s important to mention that the mauling victim shown above is not the 11-year-old boy from this story. The victim above is an adult — his hospital photo merely serves as an example of what happens when you fuck with cougars.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “I’d still like a picture posted of a mauled child. Some of us still like to masturbate.” — Killerwit

Leave your comments in the comments section below.