TEXAS — Last Thursday, a couple from southern Texas were charged with abuse of a corpse and tampering with evidence after investigators found the corpse of a 7-month fetus wrapped neatly in a gift box under their Christmas tree.

Police believe that Ruby Lee Medina took pills to induce an abortion and then tried to dispose of the fetus by flushing it down the toilet. That’s like trying to flush a 3-pound 16-inch turd with arms and legs — it’s impossible. And fetuses don’t break apart like poo.

Medina and her boyfriend Javier Gonzalez plucked the lifeless baby from the toilet and cleaned its corpse, but couldn’t decide what to do with it. There were too many options.

So they hid it under the Christmas tree.

After the abortion and gift wrapping, Medina’s vagina wouldn’t stop bleeding so she went to the hospital. Doctors became suspicious of her when she said she “didn’t know” where the fetus was. The couple were arrested after a tip prompted police to search their trailer.

If autopsy results confirm that the baby was alive at the time of birth, Medina and Gonzalez will also face capital murder charges, which is punishable by death in Texas.

Sources have suggested to authorities that this is not the first time the couple has induced an abortion or disposed of a fetus. Investigators are looking into the allegations to determine if there are additional victims. [2]

A smart idea for this couple would be set up an Abortion Fund so they can afford professional abortions. Basically, you take a piggy bank and write “ABORTION FUND” on the side of it and then don’t get pregnant until you’ve accumulated at least $400.

OR USE A FUCKING CONDOM.

Sources: 1, 2

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Please leave your comments in the comments section below.

Remember that scene in The Little Mermaid when Ariel got pregnant and delivered her baby 16 weeks prematurely? Everyone thought her baby was dead because it was so tiny and unresponsive, so they held a funeral for it and Sebastian the Crab played the flute.

Maybe I had the Director’s Cut. Either way, this next story is quite similar.

PARAGUAY — On August 7th, a baby was born 16 weeks prematurely. Weighing only 500g (just over 1 pound), its heartbeat and respiratory response were so weak that doctors pronounced it dead and gave it back to the parents in a cardboard box.

A few hours later, the grieving parents went home and opened the box, but their newborn son wasn’t dead at all — he was awake and crying like the average baby, just smaller.

“I opened the box and took the baby out and he cried. I got scared and I said ‘the baby’s crying’ … and then he started moving his arms, his legs and I got scared, we got very scared,” said one member of the family. [1]

Scared? Apparently they thought it was an undead zombie baby, rather than a miracle.

The baby is now back in the intensive care unit in stable condition.

To determine if there was negligence on the part of the medical staff, the hospital has begun an investigation. “OK guys, which one of you said the baby was dead? You’re fired.”

True Fact: Preemies really do taste better than normal newborns. You can pull their arms right out of the socket and the tender meat slides right off the bone.

Sources: 1