Chuck Norris and I have a special relationship — we communicate with each other telepathically. Today, I was wishing Chuck a happy birthday when our brain link was interrupted by the news of Corey Haim’s untimely death.

Actor Corey Haim died of an accidental drug overdose today. He was 38-years-old and one of the best child stars of the ’80s. The problem is, it’s also the 70th birthday of legendary God Chuck Norris. Chuck was drinking his 70th birthday manshake when he heard the news, and it put a spoil on his whole day.

Both Chuck and myself have been fans of Corey Haim since 1986 when we saw the movie Silver Bullet together — our favorite scene was when Corey shot a bottle rocket into the werewolf preacher’s eye. Remember that, Chuck?

As an outspoken anti-drug Christian, Chuck Norris hates all the pharmaceutical companies cashing in on the misery of depressed Americans. That’s something he can’t stop by himself.

Chuck Norris had big plans for his 70th birthday. To prove that he’s completely unaffected by advancing age, he was going to fight seventy other 70-year-olds at the same time, while simultaneously catching falling babies from a burning building.

But ultimately, we both decided it would be insensitive to have that much fun on the same day as losing our beloved Corey Haim to drugs.

Instead, we have decided to provide Sidecarsally readers with Chuck Norris-certified alternatives to dangerous life-raping prescription drugs:

Ritalin: Hang a menacing poster of Chuck Norris in the room with a hyperactive child to calm them.

Anti-depressants: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Viagra: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Obesity medication: The Chuck Norris Total Gym.

HIV medication: It’s probably best just to adhere to your usual prescription regimen.

What a bi-polar day, huh? RIP Corey Haim and happy birthday Chuck Norris. Oops, I meant to wish you a happy birthday first, Chuck — please don’t kill me.

True Fact: Chuck Norris plays Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on his Playstation 4.

As you may have heard, James “The Rev” Sullivan, was found dead in his California home on Monday afternoon. Sullivan was the drummer for the band Avenged Sevenfold, or A7X.

After Sullivan’s autopsy results were inconclusive, the Orange County coroner’s office ordered toxicology, microscopic and laboratory tests to determine the exactly how the 28-year-old rocker died. News websites are reporting that he died of natural causes.

Ummm… no.

I’ll take three completely random stabs at the REAL cause of death: drugs, drugs, drugs.

Sullivan in 2006, rocking the Pete Wentz makeup collection.

It’s not like The Rev choked on a Vitamin Water and had a heart attack while doing cardio with his personal trainer. In a 2006 interview with Revolver magazine, his band spoke lightheartedly about their excessive drinking and drug use. Sullivan himself even bragged about doing piles of coke — little white mountains of it! And now he’s dead. Surprised?

I saw a documentary in 2007 called All Excess — it was 90 minutes of video footage of Avenged Sevenfold drinking to obliteration and then bragging about how hard they party. WOW, COOL. At some point during the film, I recall thinking, “I hope all these fuckers die.”

Thousands of emo kids are carving The Rev’s name in their forearms with sharpened paperclips right now. I’ve even heard people make absurd statements like, “Avenged Sevenfold will never be the same after The Rev’s death. Music will never be the same!”

I’m pretty sure that music doesn’t give a fuck that James Sullivan died.

With the invention of drum machines, human drummers are becoming obsolete. Their only real purpose is to keep a steady timing so the rest of the band doesn’t fuck up. Otherwise, I can watch a fuckin’ 2-year-old bang on hollow surfaces with a pair of sticks.

Quality Comments: “All A7X ever did for their fans was take a massive, bleeding shit on their eardrums.” — kingofdesirex

“Just last night i was telling some fellow bar patrons how much this band sucks.” — Stevedave

“If you don’t like metal, Fuck you! Go listen to your stupid ass pussy music.” — Sam

“Hey man, Trippy site you got here.” — Alex

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

You probably know by now that Brittany Murphy died yesterday. I was going to wait until after Brittany’s autopsy results to write an appropriate memorial article for her, but I became annoyed by a certain recurring Brittany Murphy death joke.

“I was CLUELESS all day that Brittany Murphy died!”

Oh, I get it — she was in the film Clueless, and you were clueless that — shut the fuck up.

I’m all for witty celebrity death jokes, and I generally start thinking of my own death jokes right after a celebrity dies. But is there any humor in Brittany Murphy’s death? Not really.

Brittany was good-lookin’ and this planet can’t afford to lose any more hot women, so it’s damn near always a tragedy when we do. Who’s next, Jennifer Love Hewitt? I might as well just cut my penis off if that happens — it’s been my life goal to bang JLH since I was 5.

I hope Jennifer Love Hewitt lives forever.

TEXAS — Last Thursday, a couple from southern Texas were charged with abuse of a corpse and tampering with evidence after investigators found the corpse of a 7-month fetus wrapped neatly in a gift box under their Christmas tree.

Police believe that Ruby Lee Medina took pills to induce an abortion and then tried to dispose of the fetus by flushing it down the toilet. That’s like trying to flush a 3-pound 16-inch turd with arms and legs — it’s impossible. And fetuses don’t break apart like poo.

Medina and her boyfriend Javier Gonzalez plucked the lifeless baby from the toilet and cleaned its corpse, but couldn’t decide what to do with it. There were too many options.

So they hid it under the Christmas tree.

After the abortion and gift wrapping, Medina’s vagina wouldn’t stop bleeding so she went to the hospital. Doctors became suspicious of her when she said she “didn’t know” where the fetus was. The couple were arrested after a tip prompted police to search their trailer.

If autopsy results confirm that the baby was alive at the time of birth, Medina and Gonzalez will also face capital murder charges, which is punishable by death in Texas.

Sources have suggested to authorities that this is not the first time the couple has induced an abortion or disposed of a fetus. Investigators are looking into the allegations to determine if there are additional victims. [2]

A smart idea for this couple would be set up an Abortion Fund so they can afford professional abortions. Basically, you take a piggy bank and write “ABORTION FUND” on the side of it and then don’t get pregnant until you’ve accumulated at least $400.

OR USE A FUCKING CONDOM.

Sources: 1, 2

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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Gay porn star Andrew Grande probably had a huge penis. I don’t know because I’ve never seen any of his films, but I do know one thing for sure: big dick or not, he’s dead.

One of the final pictures taken of Andrew Grande. He was probably gettin’ a blowie.

FLORIDA — Last Friday, Panama Beach police responded to a physical disturbance call at a motel. When they arrived, a woman claimed Grande had attacked her. Police tried to arrest Grande, but he resisted and tried to swallow a small bag of marijuana in front of them.

As his struggle with the officers continued, the bag of weed became lodged in Grande’s throat. He broke free from the officers, so they tasered him while he was choking.

Grande fell to the ground and tried desperately to make himself vomit. One officer tried to perform the Heimlich to no avail. When paramedics arrived, they were able to remove the bag from Grande’s throat but it was too late — he was pronounced dead at the hospital.

The entire thing was caught on camera by a television crew that was riding with the cops.

Out of respect, I’ll refrain from making a “gay man fails at swallowing” joke for now.

The officers claim that Grande was tasered not because he was resisting arrest, but because he was preventing them from helping him — even though they didn’t attempt the Heimlich maneuver until Grande was already tasered and half-dead.

Cop 1: “We can’t help this choking guy, sergeant. We can’t get our fingers in his mouth to remove the baggy. What should we do? We need to keep him calm before he suffocates.”

Cop 2: “Calm? Fuck that, taser his ass and make him spit it out.”

FAIL.

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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