The small town of Stoughton, Massachusetts is mourning the loss of their beloved swan, Autumn Grace. The female swan’s body was found in the water by local resident Brian MacNeil. “When I got close, her head was under water. I pulled her to the side of the boat and her head was cut clear off,” MacNeil said, failing to mention how he cried for hours.
Autumn’s mate was also injured, possibly trying to defend their three little offspring. Luckily, he will survive to care for them — or maybe he will just take off and never talk to them again or pay child support. After all, it’s not like they can do anything about it.
Swans are not without their natural enemies. Among them are skunks, owls, bears, foxes, coyotes, and me (when I’m drunk). However, it seems unlikely that an animal would decapitate a swan, but not eat any of the flesh. That seems more like something a troubled teenager with bad parents and no friends would do.
Residents are convinced that Autumn Grace’s death was caused by a depraved animal torturer because this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Rabbits with missing heads have also been found in the neighborhood, and another dead swan was found a couple years ago with a blood trail leading back to its nest.
In my opinion, I’d say this was a classic animal gangland assassination. I think Autumn Grace was involved in some shady waterfowl activity. Or maybe her mate caught her having sex with a duck — that would be enough to drive any swan temporarily insane.
A cheating swan? That’s ridiculous. I’m sticking with animal gangland assassination.
TORONTO — It is with great sadness that I report the passing of Samantha, the Toronto Zoo’s oldest gorilla. Samantha was euthanized this week after suffering two serious strokes. She leaves behind five offspring and her loving mate Charles the Silverback.
Gorillas age faster than humans. Their lifespan is only 30-50 years, and Samantha was only 37-years-old — still in the prime of her life. If she was a human woman, she would be about the same age as Samantha Jones from Sex and the City.
MONTANA — An adult grizzly bear went on a rampage at the Soda Butte Campground yesterday, killing one man and injuring two other campers. Each attack occurred separately while the bear calmly strolled through the campground during the early morning hours, attacking people in their tents for no apparent reason other than to be a dick.
48-year-old Kevin Kammer from Grand Rapids, Michigan died after being attacked in his sleep. By the time he realized what was happening, it was too late to defend himself.
Shortly after, Ronald Singer, a college kid from Colorado, was awoken by the same bear chewing on his leg. Not one to be eaten so easily, Ronald punched the bear in the nose and it ran off. Anyone that punches a bear in the face and lives is a hero to me.
Ronald Singer — better known by his Indian name, Bear Puncher.
The grizzly bear decided to go for an easier target — a woman. It wandered over to Deb Freele’s campsite, broke into her tent, and attacked her. Deb screamed in pain while her husband slept peacefully next to her. Realizing that her husband wasn’t going to help, Deb decided that she was going to die, so she just gave up and laid there.
Fortunately for Deb, bears only enjoy killing if it’s accompanied by bloodcurdling screams. The grizzly left her alone and she was able to wake her husband up and tell him what happened — right after she bitched him out for sleeping through her mauling.
Editor’s Note: Only the husband knows for sure if he was asleep during the attack. It’s possible that he was fully aware of his wife’s close call with death, but chose to stay quiet.
Deb Freele recounts how she bravely did nothing to save her life.
Both Ronald Singer and Deb Freele will recover from their injuries. The man who died was not as lucky — doctors do not expect him to recover at all.
The bear was captured the same day as the attacks, and it is scheduled to be terminated. On a positive note, PETA loses supporters every time something like this happens.
Animal attacks on humans are becoming far more common, so keep an eye out for more awesome stories like this in the future — everyone loves a mauling!
TEXAS — On Saturday, Dwayne Moten and his friend Jacob Wheeler executed a plan that they thought would surely gain Moten custody of his 3-year-old son. But now, Moten is dead and Wheeler is in prison for his murder, but he’s innocent! Well, kinda.
Their plan went kinda like this…
Moten:“OK Jacob, you’re going to take this gun and shoot me with it.”
Wheeler:“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
Moten:“It can’t fail. You’re not gonna kill me — just shoot me a little bit. Once in the right thigh and once in the left shoulder. I’m pretty sure those are two good spots to get shot.”
Wheeler:“And then what?”
Moten:“We frame my baby mama’s new boyfriend and say he shot me. Then she looks like she been doin’ some shady shit with her man. Then I get custody of Dwayne Jr.”
Wheeler:“You crazy but it just might work! Gimme that gun.”
Wheeler shot Moten just like he had asked him. Afterward, Moten casually drove himself to the hospital — but he didn’t make it. Like when Matthew Lillard got stabbed too many times by his friend in the movie Scream, Moten had been shot too much and felt woozy.
He pulled over and got out of his car and began screaming for help. A witness tried to help, but Moten collapsed and died soon after. What luck: There are arteries in thighs.
The shooter, Jacob Wheeler, was arrested and charged with murder and an unrelated aggravated robbery. The judge set his bail at some astronomical amount.
Wheeler was interviewed from jail today and he accepts responsibility for the death of Moten. “I want justice for his family,” he said, “but I don’t want the death penalty.”
I hate a lot of people enough to shoot them, but I don’t like anyone enough to shoot them. It takes a true friend to pull the trigger on you when you ask them to, and friends like that are hard to come by — probably because they’re all in jail by now.
Wheeler still wonders where he went wrong. If he could go back in time and change things, he would shoot Moten somewhere less fatal, like the chest or neck.
CALIFORNIA — Legendary American actor, filmmaker, and artist Dennis Hopper lost his battle with prostate cancer this morning and passed away in his home. He was 74.
Hopper was best known for his roles in “Easy Rider” and “Apocalypse Now,” but the younger generations knew him as the bad guy in the movie “Speed.” I would argue that the pinnacle of Hopper’s career was when he played the villian in the 1995 post-apocalyptic action film“Waterworld” — easily one of the best movies in history.
2009 marked the major beginning of Hopper’s health decline when his manager reported he had been diagnosed with cancer. Shortly after, Hopper’s cancer advanced into his bones and he began to slowly waste away until he weighed only 100 pounds.
Hopper was relatively discreet about his health issues, therefore, his final months were most likely peaceful — well, as peaceful as can be when you’re dying of cancer.
The coolest thing about Dennis Hopper was that he could kick ass in any role, even if it didn’t make sense. Take his role as King Koopa in the “Super Mario Bros.” film for example — Hopper played a HUMAN King Koopa. Nothing is more blasphemous than that.
When people watched this movie for the first time, they were like “What the fuck? King Koopa is NOT human… yet I don’t seem to mind because it’s Dennis Hopper.” But when he finally turned into a dinosaur, everyone was like, “WTF, bring back Dennis Hopper!”
It’s also important to note that Luigi didn’t even have a mustache in the film either.
Bottom line, Dennis Hopper was an American icon / World hero that made every film better with his presence. He will be missed, and cancer will be hated a little more by everyone.
