48-year-old Kevin Kammer from Grand Rapids, Michigan died after being attacked in his sleep. By the time he realized what was happening, it was too late to defend himself.

Shortly after, Ronald Singer, a college kid from Colorado, was awoken by the same bear chewing on his leg. Not one to be eaten so easily, Ronald punched the bear in the nose and it ran off. Anyone that punches a bear in the face and lives is a hero to me.

Ronald Singer — better known by his Indian name, Bear Puncher.

The grizzly bear decided to go for an easier target — a woman. It wandered over to Deb Freele’s campsite, broke into her tent, and attacked her. Deb screamed in pain while her husband slept peacefully next to her. Realizing that her husband wasn’t going to help, Deb decided that she was going to die, so she just gave up and laid there.

Fortunately for Deb, bears only enjoy killing if it’s accompanied by bloodcurdling screams. The grizzly left her alone and she was able to wake her husband up and tell him what happened — right after she bitched him out for sleeping through her mauling.

Editor’s Note: Only the husband knows for sure if he was asleep during the attack. It’s possible that he was fully aware of his wife’s close call with death, but chose to stay quiet.

Deb Freele recounts how she bravely did nothing to save her life.

Both Ronald Singer and Deb Freele will recover from their injuries. The man who died was not as lucky — doctors do not expect him to recover at all.

The bear was captured the same day as the attacks, and it is scheduled to be terminated. On a positive note, PETA loses supporters every time something like this happens.

Animal attacks on humans are becoming far more common, so keep an eye out for more awesome stories like this in the future — everyone loves a mauling!

Their plan went kinda like this…

Moten: “OK Jacob, you’re going to take this gun and shoot me with it.”

Wheeler: “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Moten: “It can’t fail. You’re not gonna kill me — just shoot me a little bit. Once in the right thigh and once in the left shoulder. I’m pretty sure those are two good spots to get shot.”

Wheeler: “And then what?”

Moten: “We frame my baby mama’s new boyfriend and say he shot me. Then she looks like she been doin’ some shady shit with her man. Then I get custody of Dwayne Jr.”

Wheeler: “You crazy but it just might work! Gimme that gun.”

Wheeler shot Moten just like he had asked him. Afterward, Moten casually drove himself to the hospital — but he didn’t make it. Like when Matthew Lillard got stabbed too many times by his friend in the movie Scream, Moten had been shot too much and felt woozy.

He pulled over and got out of his car and began screaming for help. A witness tried to help, but Moten collapsed and died soon after. What luck: There are arteries in thighs.

The shooter, Jacob Wheeler, was arrested and charged with murder and an unrelated aggravated robbery. The judge set his bail at some astronomical amount.

Wheeler was interviewed from jail today and he accepts responsibility for the death of Moten. “I want justice for his family,” he said, “but I don’t want the death penalty.”

I hate a lot of people enough to shoot them, but I don’t like anyone enough to shoot them. It takes a true friend to pull the trigger on you when you ask them to, and friends like that are hard to come by — probably because they’re all in jail by now.

Wheeler still wonders where he went wrong. If he could go back in time and change things, he would shoot Moten somewhere less fatal, like the chest or neck.

Sources: 1, 2

Hopper was best known for his roles in “Easy Rider” and “Apocalypse Now,” but the younger generations knew him as the bad guy in the movie “Speed.” I would argue that the pinnacle of Hopper’s career was when he played the villian in the 1995 post-apocalyptic action film“Waterworld” — easily one of the best movies in history.

2009 marked the major beginning of Hopper’s health decline when his manager reported he had been diagnosed with cancer. Shortly after, Hopper’s cancer advanced into his bones and he began to slowly waste away until he weighed only 100 pounds.

Hopper was relatively discreet about his health issues, therefore, his final months were most likely peaceful — well, as peaceful as can be when you’re dying of cancer.

The coolest thing about Dennis Hopper was that he could kick ass in any role, even if it didn’t make sense. Take his role as King Koopa in the “Super Mario Bros.” film for example — Hopper played a HUMAN King Koopa. Nothing is more blasphemous than that.

When people watched this movie for the first time, they were like “What the fuck? King Koopa is NOT human… yet I don’t seem to mind because it’s Dennis Hopper.” But when he finally turned into a dinosaur, everyone was like, “WTF, bring back Dennis Hopper!”

It’s also important to note that Luigi didn’t even have a mustache in the film either.

Bottom line, Dennis Hopper was an American icon / World hero that made every film better with his presence. He will be missed, and cancer will be hated a little more by everyone.

RIP Dennis Hopper 1936-2010

Rest in peace, handsome little ebony prince. You will always be remembered!

No official details have been released about who pulled the plug on Gary — but unless I’m mistaken (which has NEVER happened), his wife had the final say.

Let’s look at some interesting facts about Shannon Price (Coleman’s wife):

1) Shannon Price, not Coleman. She never took his last name. Hmmm…
2) The couple appeared on Divorce Court in 2008, but never got divorced. Hmmm…
3) Price accused Coleman of domestic violence in January, and he was arrested. Hmmm…
4) Before Price met Coleman, she was a struggling actress looking for fame. Hmmm…
5) Price took Coleman’s virginity. Ewww…

Even if Gary’s condition was hopeless and taking him off life support was the best option, Shannon Price got some kind of satisfaction from it because she was obviously just out to make a name for herself and steal Gary Coleman’s sweet virginity.

She didn’t even give Coleman’s biggest fan a chance to visit him in the hospital and kiss his innocent chocolate brow before he departed for the spirit world.

If I’m completely wrong and Price really did love Coleman, then they will be reunited in the kingdom of heaven when she dies, and Gary will ride her all over green pastures.

A witness called police after seeing Wyatt naked and covered in blood, standing over the mutilated body of the victim. According to the death certificate, the victim, 21-year-old Taylor Powell, died from loss of blood. Supposedly, that is a really bad way to die.

Remember that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when that voodoo priest ripped that guy’s heart out while he was screaming? Jarrord Wyatt actually did that.

This may seem shocking and heinous, but it doesn’t surprise me at all. Most people just giggle for hours when they are tripping on shrooms, but not MMA fighters — they kill shit.

During an intense shroom trip, sometimes you forget that you are tripping and believe that the naked man holding a sword is real. Most people hide from the naked man with the sword until they forget about him, but MMA fighters aren’t afraid of anything (except gays).

In Wyatt’s case, he hallucinated that his friend was a threat and attacked him. This isn’t the first time someone has eaten too many mushrooms and committed murder (or suicide) while having extreme hallucinations, but the same shit happens with alcohol (minus the heart-ripping) ALL THE TIME, so let’s not demonize the mushrooms.

Jarrod Wyatt’s fighting career was in its early stages, and he had won his first professional fight in October. And from the looks of him, he also cuts his own hair while on shrooms.

Wyatt has pleaded not guilty to the charges, but will probably not be given any mercy due to the brutality of his crimes. This ALMOST made me not wanna eat shrooms again.

Despite the grimness of this article, I’d actually like to encourage people to experiment with psilocybin (magic mushrooms). I’ve witnessed many wondrous things on mushrooms. You can find them in most fields where cow shit grows — just don’t get shot by the farmer.

Sources: 1

CHINA — A 59-year-old Chinese man died 10 days after his friends shoved a 20-inch Asian swamp eel up his asshole while he was drunk. The eel suffocated inside the man’s body, but chewed through his guts and caused extensive damage.

“I don’t know which one to choose for the prank, guys. They all look so good.”

I can’t really think of a way to make this more shocking or tragically humorous than it already is. At least we all know for sure now that it’s not a good idea to stuff a live eel up your rectum — not if it’s as long as your arm. Baby eels are probably OK though.

Bonus: This video perfectly explains what it feels like to have an eel inside your body.

Sources: 1

Actor Corey Haim died of an accidental drug overdose today. He was 38-years-old and one of the best child stars of the ’80s. The problem is, it’s also the 70th birthday of legendary God Chuck Norris. Chuck was drinking his 70th birthday manshake when he heard the news, and it put a spoil on his whole day.

Both Chuck and myself have been fans of Corey Haim since 1986 when we saw the movie Silver Bullet together — our favorite scene was when Corey shot a bottle rocket into the werewolf preacher’s eye. Remember that, Chuck?

As an outspoken anti-drug Christian, Chuck Norris hates all the pharmaceutical companies cashing in on the misery of depressed Americans. That’s something he can’t stop by himself.

Chuck Norris had big plans for his 70th birthday. To prove that he’s completely unaffected by advancing age, he was going to fight seventy other 70-year-olds at the same time, while simultaneously catching falling babies from a burning building.

But ultimately, we both decided it would be insensitive to have that much fun on the same day as losing our beloved Corey Haim to drugs.

Instead, we have decided to provide Sidecarsally readers with Chuck Norris-certified alternatives to dangerous life-raping prescription drugs:

Ritalin: Hang a menacing poster of Chuck Norris in the room with a hyperactive child to calm them.

Anti-depressants: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Viagra: Watch a Chuck Norris movie and pretend that you are Chuck Norris.

Obesity medication: The Chuck Norris Total Gym.

HIV medication: It’s probably best just to adhere to your usual prescription regimen.

What a bi-polar day, huh? RIP Corey Haim and happy birthday Chuck Norris. Oops, I meant to wish you a happy birthday first, Chuck — please don’t kill me.

True Fact: Chuck Norris plays Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on his Playstation 4.

After Sullivan’s autopsy results were inconclusive, the Orange County coroner’s office ordered toxicology, microscopic and laboratory tests to determine the exactly how the 28-year-old rocker died. News websites are reporting that he died of natural causes.

Ummm… no.

I’ll take three completely random stabs at the REAL cause of death: drugs, drugs, drugs.

Sullivan in 2006, rocking the Pete Wentz makeup collection.

It’s not like The Rev choked on a Vitamin Water and had a heart attack while doing cardio with his personal trainer. In a 2006 interview with Revolver magazine, his band spoke lightheartedly about their excessive drinking and drug use. Sullivan himself even bragged about doing piles of coke — little white mountains of it! And now he’s dead. Surprised?

I saw a documentary in 2007 called All Excess — it was 90 minutes of video footage of Avenged Sevenfold drinking to obliteration and then bragging about how hard they party. WOW, COOL. At some point during the film, I recall thinking, “I hope all these fuckers die.”

Thousands of emo kids are carving The Rev’s name in their forearms with sharpened paperclips right now. I’ve even heard people make absurd statements like, “Avenged Sevenfold will never be the same after The Rev’s death. Music will never be the same!”

I’m pretty sure that music doesn’t give a fuck that James Sullivan died.

With the invention of drum machines, human drummers are becoming obsolete. Their only real purpose is to keep a steady timing so the rest of the band doesn’t fuck up. Otherwise, I can watch a fuckin’ 2-year-old bang on hollow surfaces with a pair of sticks.

Quality Comments: “All A7X ever did for their fans was take a massive, bleeding shit on their eardrums.” — kingofdesirex

“Just last night i was telling some fellow bar patrons how much this band sucks.” — Stevedave

“If you don’t like metal, Fuck you! Go listen to your stupid ass pussy music.” — Sam

“Hey man, Trippy site you got here.” — Alex

Leave your comments in the comments section below.

“I was CLUELESS all day that Brittany Murphy died!”

Oh, I get it — she was in the film Clueless, and you were clueless that — shut the fuck up.

I’m all for witty celebrity death jokes, and I generally start thinking of my own death jokes right after a celebrity dies. But is there any humor in Brittany Murphy’s death? Not really.

Brittany was good-lookin’ and this planet can’t afford to lose any more hot women, so it’s damn near always a tragedy when we do. Who’s next, Jennifer Love Hewitt? I might as well just cut my penis off if that happens — it’s been my life goal to bang JLH since I was 5.

I hope Jennifer Love Hewitt lives forever.

Police believe that Ruby Lee Medina took pills to induce an abortion and then tried to dispose of the fetus by flushing it down the toilet. That’s like trying to flush a 3-pound 16-inch turd with arms and legs — it’s impossible. And fetuses don’t break apart like poo.

Medina and her boyfriend Javier Gonzalez plucked the lifeless baby from the toilet and cleaned its corpse, but couldn’t decide what to do with it. There were too many options.

So they hid it under the Christmas tree.

After the abortion and gift wrapping, Medina’s vagina wouldn’t stop bleeding so she went to the hospital. Doctors became suspicious of her when she said she “didn’t know” where the fetus was. The couple were arrested after a tip prompted police to search their trailer.

If autopsy results confirm that the baby was alive at the time of birth, Medina and Gonzalez will also face capital murder charges, which is punishable by death in Texas.

Sources have suggested to authorities that this is not the first time the couple has induced an abortion or disposed of a fetus. Investigators are looking into the allegations to determine if there are additional victims. [2]

A smart idea for this couple would be set up an Abortion Fund so they can afford professional abortions. Basically, you take a piggy bank and write “ABORTION FUND” on the side of it and then don’t get pregnant until you’ve accumulated at least $400.

OR USE A FUCKING CONDOM.

Sources: 1, 2

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Please leave your comments in the comments section below.