You know what’s awesome? Going to Time.com, and seeing this headline:
Florida has a problem, and it’s not alligators anymore. Stories of sexual relations between female teachers and their students have been popping up all over Florida this year. It’s an epidemic, apparently.
This is the kind of epidemic I was praying for as a young man in high school. Why couldn’t Mrs. Jensen ask me to stay late for some extra credit (penis-in-vagina)? She must have been a lesbian.
What is it about teenage boys that drives unattractive sex-starved teachers wild? I put together a crack team of teacher-student sexologists at the University of Shitsville, and they prepared this explanation for me:
We have discovered the cause of the epidemic to be a new gas called dick vapor.
Dick vapor is a colorless, tasteless, odorless vapor from that rises from teenage boys’ crotches. The vapor has been proven to attract female high school teachers, hungry for an underage erection.
When combined with a tropical climate like Florida’s, dick vapor becomes a potent compound, enveloping the boy in an invisible vapor cloud — thus making him irresistible to the female faculty at his school.
The only females who can avoid succumbing to dick vapor are non-sluts, women with morals, and lesbians (bi-sexuals are not immune to DV).
With this information, scientists can work on a way to circumvent dick vapor, or at least lower the dick vapor index (DVI) in a classroom. This would help the more vulnerable teachers focus on their lesson plans instead of the crotches of underage boys.
