I thought today was going to be a good day until I read that Michelle Duggar from the show 18 Kids and Counting is pregnant with her 19th offspring. I thought the ‘and Counting’ part was just some kind of sick joke.

At this point, Jim Bob Duggar doesn’t even fuck his wife anymore — He just crawls inside her vagina and masturbates directly into one of her fallopian tubes.

Aside from being a wholesome, close-minded, over-populated Christian family from Arkansas, the Duggars haven’t really done anything wrong per se. It doesn’t make much sense to hate an entire family of people for no particular reason, but I do — very badly.

I know I’m just wasting creative talent writing about the Duggars. What do you think would happen if Jim Bob and Michelle found out I was criticizing their way of life and saying terrible things about their family? They’d pray for me.

That just makes me even more angry.

After the second child, the “miracle of birth” doesn’t apply anymore. All child births thereafter should be considered littering — and the parents should be cited for it.

The Duggars look at each individual child as a gift from God. “Thank you, Lord,” says Michelle Duggar, “Here am I — 42-years-old, thinking my baby days are over — and you’ve blessed us with another one.”

Babies are made when male sperm fertilizes a female egg. If you are a fertile person having unprotected sex with a fertile member of the opposite gender, pregnancy is expected. If anything, NOT getting pregnant would be the miracle.

The fact that Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 19th child should be proof that there is no God. If there was a God, he would’ve ended the Duggars’ shenanigans by now.

I’m going to take a nap now, so I can dream about bashing all the little Duggars’ faces in.

Bonus words of wisdom:

– “There should be a law against how many kids you can have, the same way there’s a law for how many dogs you can own, or kids you can babysit at once.”