FLORIDA — A 37-year-old grandmother was arrested for drunk-driving with her toddler granddaughter in the back seat. When police pulled Sandra Layton over for swerving through traffic, she was so drunk that she was slurring her words and could barely stand up on her own.

It’s not easy for a woman to become a grandmother by her mid-thirties. She has to make sure that her daughter follows the family tradition of teenage pregnancy that started with her 59-year old great-great grandmother.

A mother can’t force her teenage daughter to get pregnant, but she can poke holes in her condoms, or just completely misinform her about how pregnancy works.

Once the teenage daughter becomes a teenage mom herself, the newly-anointed grandma can relax and enjoy life by becoming a raging alcoholic. Yet despite her drinking habit, she will be forced to babysit for her daughter while she strips to pay for beauty school.

Do scenarios like this occur often?

You bet your anus. In fact, the number of GILFs (fuckable grandmas) has increased exponentially in Florida since it earned the nickname “The Fucktard State” in 1983.

Although I enjoy mocking “The Great Soggy Dick-Shaped State” of Florida, I’d be a hypocrite not to admit that I too come from a dysfunctional family of Floridalcoholics.

I often reminisce about my younger years when Mom used to drink all of Dad’s beer while he was at work. She had to replenish it before he got home or else he would beat her, so seven of us children would pile in the back of the pickup truck while Mom and the baby rode shotgun. She told us to pretend like the ride to the liquor store was a video game.

If a cop ever pulled her over for driving on the wrong side of the road, Mom would just take out her dentures and blow on the secret breathalyzer in the officer’s pants, and then he would let us go. One time a lady cop pulled us over, but she didn’t have a secret breathalyzer for Mom to blow on — so she went to jail and then Dad beat her.

Before she got drunk and fell into the swamp and that damn alligator ate her, Mom always used to say to me, “Son, shut the hell up before I break my ass off on your foot.”

I would’ve killed that alligator, but it died of alcohol poisoning after eating Mom.

All this seriously happened. Especially the very first paragraph of this article.

Sources: 1

When my uncle got arrested for his 12th drinking and driving offense, I thought, “Man, my uncle sucks at drinking and driving. How do you get busted twelve times?”

All you gotta do is close one eye and stare at the hood ornament on your car. Keep within the lines and drive the speed limit, and you should be OK.

OR you could just not drink and drive at all — probably a better idea.

My uncle may be the king DUI offenses, but he isn’t the GOD of it. This week, a man was arrested in New Mexico for his 22nd drunk driving offense.

On Monday, a police officer spotted a car on the side of the highway — the 51-year-old unnamed driver was laying on the ground next to the car, drunk. Very drunk.

An ambulance transported the man to a hospital in Santa Fe, where blood-alcohol analysis showed a content level of .393 percent — 5x the legal limit!

Police said records showed the man has been arrested 21 times before, but did not know if he had any actual convictions. If not, I want his lawyer for my next murder trial.

The suspect was released from the hospital and booked in the Santa Fe County jail for a felony DWI charge. Don’t worry about him though — he’ll be free and driving again soon.

Too bad the legal system isn’t as forgiving for crimes like sexual harassment. I’d be grabbing tits all the time. At least I wouldn’t be endangering lives!