KENTUCKY — When an armed man broke into Stephen Bosch’s home this week and stole $180 from him, he reported the crime to the police. When the cops arrived at his place to investigate, they asked Stephen why his home smelled like marijuana. He admitted that the thief also stole 10.5 grams of weed from him, so the cops decided to look around more.
A quick search of Bosch’s home uncovered a digital scale and five ounces of weed hidden in his trashcan. He was arrested and charged with marijuana trafficking, tampering with evidence, and possession of drug paraphernalia. Win.
I know that most of my readers are heavy drug users, so all of you can learn from this.
This may seem like a crazy piece of advice, but if you are a drug dealer and someone robs you, do not call the police and report it — they will want to enter your home and “talk.”
When a cop enters your home for whatever reason, they are looking for one thing: drugs.
Drug dealers need to accept the fact that they will be victims of crime themselves occasionally. There are three things a drug dealer can do to minimize the chances of this:
1) Get a guard dog. Nothing welcomes an intruder like an abused Rottweiler that hasn’t been fed a pair of human testicles this week. Hang a sign on your front door that says, “I love my Chihuahua” for an added surprise. Be warned, the dog may eat your stash.
2) Re-locate. This seems like the most logical solution, but it’s also a lot of hassle. On the plus side, you might be lucky enough to find an apartment next to the local high school. That wasn’t supposed to be a statutory rape joke — high school kids just love weed.
3) Don’t be such a pussy. A 12-year-old Macaulay Culkin fought off two adult burglars in Home Alone — and that movie was based on a true story. He called the police by the end of the movie, but he wasn’t a fuckin’ drug dealer, so it made sense.
Furthermore, if you have large amounts of drugs or money sitting around in your home, you should also have a naked woman with a gun in plain view at all times.
Sledding is the art of descending a hillside slope at breakneck speeds while sitting on any flat object that enhances the sledding experience — like the hood of your neighbor’s car.
An important safety rule to remember when sledding is never wear a helmet — they obstruct your view. Also, if you see a person in your path, head straight for them. Chances are, you can injure them and pretend it was an accident. Life is about opportunities.
Men are genetically designed to abuse speed — velocity, not diet pills; that’s more of a woman thing — so the next level of speed-sledding involves strapping a rocket to a sled.
Rocket sleds require their own set of safety rules — for protection, hockey pads are totally unnecessary because they increase wind resistance (and decrease top-speed). Never wear them unless you actually enjoy looking like broke-ass Stormtrooper wannabe.
This is the proper way to rocket sled — notice the lack of troublesome “safety” features.
There are many different types of rocket sledding techniques. I prefer to secure a rocket directly to a reinforced steel sled because if I’m not wearing any body protection, I still want to be safe. The other method involves securing a rocket to your own back — naturally, this is a terrible idea. But it didn’t stop one Michigan man from trying it.
MICHIGAN – A 62-year-old man was hospitalized with severe burns Sunday after he attempted to rocket sled with a homemade jetpack rocket strapped to his back.
The unnamed man was hosting an annual sled party for his friends — he’s known to do something “crazy” every year. This year he filled a car muffler with gasoline and gun powder, strapped it to his back, and exploded half-way down the hill.
Witnesses were shocked. Nobody expected container of gas and gun powder to explode.
The man burned 20% of his body, including his face, but is in stable condition now. Clearly, the accident was caused by the wind resistance created by his jacket. Perhaps he should retry this stunt again next year, but use two rockets for more power, and wear a unitard.
Good thing it doesn’t snow a lot in the south because this would happen daily in Florida.
CHINA — After Chen Chuanliu’s 4-year-old daughter was kidnapped a few weeks ago, he didn’t want to take any chances on losing his 2-year-old son. Losing a daughter isn’t a big deal to most Chinese parents, but male children are very important to the family. A pedicab driver by day, Chen only has one child left and he’ll do anything to keep him safe.
Rather than spending his wages on a babysitter, Chen chains his son to a lamppost.
Despite the fact that some most people consider this blatant child neglect, there are several benefits of chaining your child to a lamppost outside a Beijing mall.
1) One less mouth to feed. Face it, it breaks peoples’ hearts to see a starving child on the street. Eventually, someone will give that kid some food, then you won’t have to.
2) Possible fighting career. When this kid grows up, he’s going to be a martial arts champion. Chuck Norris also spent his childhood chained to a lamppost in Beijing.
3) Bait. Like a worm on a hook for fishing, a baby chained to a lamppost is impossibly tempting for wild animals and child molesters alike. “Tonight, we eat coyote!”
4) Tetherball. If your baby doesn’t survive the winter chained to a lamppost, the least you can do is have some fun with it before the funeral. Get the neighborhood kids to join!
Besides, if chaining your kid to a lamppost is so “bad,” why hasn’t anyone stopped it?
Personally, I would choose a babysitter over a lamppost. I can’t have sex with a lamppost.
Some words have double meanings. Take the word “penis” for example, it could refer to two things: most obviously, the male genitalia — but it’s also my nickname for you.
“Groundhog Day” is another term that means two different things. Groundhog Day was an awesome movie starring Bill Murray, but it’s also an asinine holiday invented by some jerkoff who had a sexual penchant for rodents — no, not Richard Gere.
According to folklore, groundhogs can predict the weather. On February 2nd, if a groundhog sees its own shadow, we’re in for 6 more weeks of winter weather. But if the groundhog fails to see its shadow, then winter will supposedly end sooner. Yeah, OK.
People gathered in large numbers today all over the US and Canada to see if the almighty groundhog in their town would see his shadow. And the result: WHO GIVES A FUCK?
Take a moment to consider the pure absurdity of Groundhog Day. Since groundhogs can’t speak, each town that holds a Groundhog Day event must elect a “groundhog ambassador” — his job is to interpret groundhog emotions and convey them to the public.
“Fuck my life.” — Groundhog
Canada completed a study in 13 cities to measure the “groundhog weather prediction success rate” for the last 30 to 40 years. According to the study, groundhogs were only correct 37% of the time — in conclusion, groundhogs don’t know shit.
If someone wishes you a happy Groundhog Day today, just give them a cold stare because they don’t even deserve a response from you. You’re better than that.
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Pretend for a second that you’re a Portland police officer rushing to the aid of a man who is completely engulfed in flames. It’s up to you to save his life!
You grab something from your trunk that resembles a fire extinguisher and douse the man with its contents, but the fire continues to burn and the man dies. Later, it’s revealed that the fire extinguisher you used was actually an industrial size canister of pepper spray.
That was quite careless of you. Are you: A) Retarded, B) Blind, or C) A woman?
OREGON — 26-year-old Daniel Shaull set himself on fire Wednesday in the streets of downtown Portland. When a police officer saw the burning man from her car, she ran out and sprayed him down with a fire extinguisher big fucking canister of pepper spray.
The officer didn’t know she had used pepper spray until another officer found the empty can later at the scene. Meanwhile, Daniel died of his burns in the hospital.
Daniel’s father told interviewers that his son had a history of mental illness. “I had a feeling something was going to tragically happen,” he told reporters. “He was tired of living.”
Portland Police Bureau Chief Rosie Sizer refused to name the officer involved, but said the she will not face any disciplinary action for her mistake. The chief also added, “In many, many ways, her acts were heroic.”
I had a suspicion that Chief Rosie was exaggerating, so I broke down the officer’s actions and created a pie chart to see how many ways her acts were heroic.
Imagine if you were the burning man, Daniel Shaull — the last couple minutes of your life really sucked dick. You’re engulfed in flames and thinking, “This is it… this is the end.” And then here comes a woman who not only pepper sprays you, but empties an entire tank of pepper spray on your burning flesh. The most painful death ever was made even worse.
Female police officers should stick to what they do best — nothing.
