CONNECTICUT — 25-year-old Derron Cooke was recently fired from his job at Wendy’s for righteously defending the first commandment of all fast food establishments: “Thou shalt not spit in thy customer’s food, nor shalt thou serveth food that falleth to the ground first.”
On Friday night, Cooke was lowering a basket of french fries into a deep fryer when he noticed a co-worker drop some bacon on the ground. Instead of discarding the dirty bacon, the co-worker put it on a customer’s sandwich. This deeply troubled Cooke. If he waited to report the co-worker, there’s no telling how many other pieces of bacon would be tainted.
No. This had to stop now. Cooke pulled a small knife on the co-worker and threatened that he’d better put more love into food preparation. The co-worker got the message loud and clear, but the police did not — they arrested Cooke and charged him with breach of peace, assault, and reckless endangerment. Apparently it’s illegal to pull a knife on someone.
Cooke was released from jail later that night, and was still wearing his work uniform when news cameras captured him leaving the police station. Unfortunately, he didn’t answer any questions, or say anything awesome like, “The bacon is safe once again.”
The other guy’s story
The “victim” claims that Cooke didn’t threaten him because he served dirty food. He alleges that Cooke attacked him because he was preparing a chicken sandwich wrong.
Either way, Derron Cooke has anger management problems. For $7.50 an hour, I wouldn’t care about anything at work, especially a stranger’s food. Every time I go to Wendy’s, I already assume that some asshole in the kitchen sprinkled pubes on my burger.
That’s why I never go there.
Bonus: FOX CT correspondent Jennifer Lahmers covered this story. I hadn’t heard of her until today, but I’m pretty sure that she wants to have sex with me.
SALT LAKE CITY — Earlier this month, Joshua Lee Campbell called police and reported that he had been assaulted and drugged by a mystery man. To make matters worse, the mystery man also stole Campbell’s .45-caliber gun, drove to the mortgage company that Campbell worked at, and fired several rounds into the company’s $100,000 server.
After a brief investigation, it was concluded that 23-year-old Campbell had gotten drunk at a concert on the evening of August 12th, returned to work the same night, and shot the server himself. That’s right, believe it or not, a random stranger wasn’t responsible at all.
Despite his incredibly witty story, Campbell was charged with felony criminal mischief, carrying a weapon while under the influence, public intoxication, and lying to police.
“I can’t believe the cops didn’t believe me,” he thought. “Surely people get assaulted and drugged all the time in this city, and have their weapons stolen and their workplaces vandalized by the same guy that mugged them. Man, it took me so long to come up with that.”
There are far more discrete ways to destroy a business server without using a gun. Simply remove the two sperving bearings that run in a direct line with the panametric fan. Optionally, you could disrupt the processor by bending back the base plate of prefamulated amulite and then striking the surmounted malleable logarithmic casing with a hammer.
Just kidding, I don’t know shit about computers. I just use them to masturbate.
ILLINOIS — Ronald McIntyre is better known by his friends as “Boobie” in Chicago. When police arrived at Boobie’s place last Tuesday to arrest him for owing over $5,000 in child support, he made a quick getaway by jumping out of a third floor window.
“The grass down there will break my fall,” thought Boobie. Less than a second later, he was laying on a slab of green painted concrete with two broken legs. No wonder nobody ever mowed that part of the lawn — Boobie just thought it was magical grass.
Despite being seriously injured, Boobie was attempting to crawl away from the scene when police arrested him on the ground. An ambulance took him to the hospital where he was treated for compound fractures to both legs and other injuries.
Child-support evasion is just another charge to add to Boobie’s lengthy criminal record. With 80 criminal convictions ranging from assault to invasion of privacy, he serves as a supreme example of everything that is wrong with America’s legal system. I fully support due process, but after 50 convictions, a person should be lobotomized and castrated because they clearly have no value as a functioning, reproducing human.
Boobie is due back in court on October 19th. Until then, he will be waiting in jail, completely free on his own recognizance and trying real hard to make another baby.
Maybe if there weren’t so many people in jail and prison for shit like marijuana possession, there would actually be more room for real criminals and deadbeat overpopulators.
Bernard Howell, 26, is a lot like that little kid in The Sixth Sense — he sees dead people. And by “sees,” I mean “has sex with.” Surely, you’ve heard a girl use that term to avoid sounding like a slut: “I’m seeing a few different guys right now.” We know what you do.
WASHINGTON — On Sunday, someone called the Thurston County Sheriff’s Office and reported a suspicious vehicle with a dead passenger in the front seat. Shortly after the call, deputies pulled Howell over because his vehicle matched the description. In the front seat was a dead woman in her 50s wrapped in a sleeping bag.
“Hold on, I know what you’re thinkin’,” said Howell, “but I didn’t kill this lady. I found her body and just wanted to save the family on funeral expenses. You know, handle things myself. I did have sex with her corpse though. I thought maybe you should know that, in case you check.”
He was arrested and charged with 1st degree theft and 2nd degree manslaughter, but the report mentions nothing of Howell being charged with necrophilia, which is a Class G felony in Washington. Investigators said the victim suffered intentionally inflicted wounds, so it’s not likely that she died of natural causes or that Howell “just happened to find her.”
However, if his story turns out to be true, then Howell should move to a state where necrophilia is legal. There are 31 states where it’s perfectly legal to knock back a cold one, and drink a beer while doing it. That’s right, there is no federal law against fucking dead people because that’s something each individual state should be able to decide.
Meanwhile, it’s illegal to urinate in public EVERYWHERE. Who makes these fuckin’ laws?
I spent wasted 7 minutes yesterday writing an article about a girl that quit her job in a “clever” way — via e-mail and dry erase board. Turns out, the whole FAKE story was concocted by two men named Asshole 1 and Asshole 2 to promote their website. They hired an actress named Elyse PorterfieldAsshole 3 to play the role of “Jenny.”
I wasn’t the only one that fell for it though. Millions of people tweeted about it and posted links to the original story on Facebook. Both Jenny and the creators of the website admitted everything was all jokes, and even posted several more dry erase board photos of “Jenny” explaining the hoax. But everything isn’t all jokes and I’ll explain why.
Why TheChive.com Should Eat Your Shit
Upon entering TheChive.com, you see the slogan “Probably the Best Site in the World,” so you immediately know it’s probably not at all. A recent post on the page shows a list of the “best links on the internet,” but at the bottom there’s a link you can follow to have your website added to that list for a whole week. And it only costs $1000.
“The best links on the internet come from the people that send us the most money.” It’s clear these people have no morals, which isn’t a bad thing unless combined with greed.
Interesting fact: Asshole 1 and 2 have been responsible for a couple other hoaxes that nobody remembers. Their formula goes like this: make a hoax, get hits, whore for ad money, and then it’s back to sucking dicks until the next big hoax.
While the content on TheChive.com is mainly just re-tagged photos from failblog.org and other meme and lolcat sites, it’s mostly TRUTHFUL content. That’s another reason why so many people believed the latest hoax. If this was done for genuine LULZ, I wouldn’t mind so much, but it wasn’t — It was done strictly so TheChive could finance their collective addiction to Valtrex and spam us with shitty links from advertisers. We got trolled.
When the Balloon Boy’s parents did this shit, they went to jail.
I promise you all one thing: If I ever fabricate a nationwide hoax, it will be a fuck of a lot better than one about a girl that quits her office job. Sorry, guys.
