Bill Marceaux is not only an accomplished speaker, but a prolific writer as well. Here are some examples of his ability to turn the English vocabulary into a beautiful literary art.

“Citizens who get food stamp and S/S check can not afford to buy where food now can they afford to pay Insurance we would need to find a way to pay the insurance for them.”

“My friends a beer stores say they check 200 D/L a day that 400 minutes a day per clerk which is over 6 hours at $7.00 a hour that $42.00, with it mandatory then we must pay them.”

” I believe we must hate the U.S. Flag because we fly the wrong one and when we fly the right one we and the government fly it wrong. Can we start honoring the flag Again.”

“Education ,let us put phonics back in school if you can not read you can not do History, Math, English. And that where we are now. Let make it mandatory in high school to read the minutes to the U.S. Congress, the Congressional Globe the real history of the U.S.”

Despite all of the awesomeness above, I don’t recommend voting for Marceaux until I verify that he is pro-medical marijuana, abortion, and gay marriage.

You can read more about Basil Marceaux and his goals as governor HERE!

Some couples get married by a skydiving priest while plummeting towards the ground together at terminal velocity. Others get themselves swallowed on purpose by blue whales, just so they can get married inside the body of the world’s largest mammal.

Mountain-top weddings are in the middle of the Extreme Wedding Spectrum, while blue whale belly weddings are at the extreme end. Backyard weddings are at the low end of the spectrum, and should never be considered “Extreme,” unless someone dies or gets arrested DURING the ceremony. Church weddings are boring and don’t count.

Newlyweds Drew Ellis and Lisa Satayut chose to forgo an extreme wedding and do the exact opposite: get married in the shoe aisle of a TJ Maxx department store.

Drew agreed to get hitched in the over-priced thrift store because he says TJ Maxx is his wife’s “happy place.” I always thought “happy place” was a term used to describe the place in a woman’s mind that she retreats to when her husband is beating her.

The couple exchanged vows in a widened a shoe aisle. Some floral arrangements were strewn among the footwear — it was truly a beautiful sight, except for those hideous Crocs. Who’s bright idea was it to make shoes inspired by the design of Swiss cheese?

TJ Maxx was more than happy to accommodate the couple. Why? Because the wacky wedding story would probably make the local news, and that’s like a free TV commercial for them. “Come to TJ Maxx, where the prices are so good, you’ll fuckin’ get married here!”

Drew and Lisa are forever going to be known as “the couple that got married at TJ Maxx,” and I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good thing. It’s hard to take a couple like that seriously and wish them luck. They never would’ve got MY blessing for this. I would, however, agree to a feminine products aisle wedding in a heartbeat.

Surely they have some kind of extreme honeymoon planned to make up for the wedding, right? Nope — there is no honeymoon planned. Way to start out with a bang. This couple sucks. At least in a couple years, they won’t have a hard time topping the insane amount of excitement that they DIDN’T have as newlyweds.

Sources: 1

The dumbass and his girlfriend were celebrating their “own Fourth of July” on the beach by shooting off some fireworks, despite it not being Fourth of July anymore.

Their fireworks annoyed a nearby group of people. After bickering with the group, the dumbass and his girlfriend grabbed their stuff and decided to leave before things got ugly.

From this point, there are two different versions of what happened:

Witness’s side of the story

According to an early witness report, “someone in the backseat of the [dumbass's] vehicle apparently tried hurling a mortar at a group of people nearby.” Instead, the mortar misfired and exploded in the car, causing the other fireworks to ignite.

Dumbass’s side of the story

After deciding to leave, the dumbass and his girlfriend responsibly gathered all of their burned fuses and tossed them into a box with unused fireworks. Somehow, the dead fuses came back to life and ignited the rest of the fireworks. The dumbass got burned when he tried to reach back into the car and pull his keys from the ignition.

The conclusion

It doesn’t matter what really happened. Here’s the bottom line: If you are transporting fireworks in your vehicle and they somehow ignite, then you are a dumbass. I can’t make myself any more clear than that. Of course, if I’m ever in a car full of fireworks when they explode, I’m sure I’ll have a damn good reason why it wasn’t my fault.

What a shame though. I’ll bet that 1991 Lexus LS 400 was in great condition before this.

Sources: 1

Their plan went kinda like this…

Moten: “OK Jacob, you’re going to take this gun and shoot me with it.”

Wheeler: “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Moten: “It can’t fail. You’re not gonna kill me — just shoot me a little bit. Once in the right thigh and once in the left shoulder. I’m pretty sure those are two good spots to get shot.”

Wheeler: “And then what?”

Moten: “We frame my baby mama’s new boyfriend and say he shot me. Then she looks like she been doin’ some shady shit with her man. Then I get custody of Dwayne Jr.”

Wheeler: “You crazy but it just might work! Gimme that gun.”

Wheeler shot Moten just like he had asked him. Afterward, Moten casually drove himself to the hospital — but he didn’t make it. Like when Matthew Lillard got stabbed too many times by his friend in the movie Scream, Moten had been shot too much and felt woozy.

He pulled over and got out of his car and began screaming for help. A witness tried to help, but Moten collapsed and died soon after. What luck: There are arteries in thighs.

The shooter, Jacob Wheeler, was arrested and charged with murder and an unrelated aggravated robbery. The judge set his bail at some astronomical amount.

Wheeler was interviewed from jail today and he accepts responsibility for the death of Moten. “I want justice for his family,” he said, “but I don’t want the death penalty.”

I hate a lot of people enough to shoot them, but I don’t like anyone enough to shoot them. It takes a true friend to pull the trigger on you when you ask them to, and friends like that are hard to come by — probably because they’re all in jail by now.

Wheeler still wonders where he went wrong. If he could go back in time and change things, he would shoot Moten somewhere less fatal, like the chest or neck.

Sources: 1, 2

OHIO — Adam Collins and Lawrence Mick were arrested this week for animal cruelty and discharging a firearm after they shot Mick’s German shepherd six times in the head, neck, and chest with a pistol. The dog lived, however, and is expected to make a full recovery.

“Sarge” recovering after surgery. It will be a few weeks before he can lick his balls again.

Two sides of the story

A neighbor that witnessed the shooting said Mick and Collins shot at the dog from close range while it howled in pain, defenseless in its kennel. She also expressed concern that the bullets could have easily ricocheted and struck one of her grand children.

Mick and his girlfriend claim the dog was shot in self-defense because it was acting aggressive and trying to escape. The girlfriend also claims she was attacked last week by the dog, although her wounds more closely resemble a junkie’s track marks.

“And this is where I stick the needle, I mean where the dog bit me.”

Those shitty prison tattoos don’t help her credibility either. This woman couldn’t possibly care for an animal any better than she’s cared for herself. German shepherds make excellent pets, and they don’t turn on their owners unless they deserve it.

The bullets remain lodged inside Sarge’s body, but he doesn’t need any special care other than pain medicine and antibiotics. His miraculous survival begs the question, “Do dogs have multiple lives like cats, or was that just a really shitty gun?”

Don’t get too excited for Sarge yet though. Despite his tale of victory, he will be euthanized if investigators conclude that he’s aggressive. If that ends up being the case, I will personally apologize to Mick’s girlfriend for calling her a junkie.

But as for the two turds that shot Sarge, even if the dog was being aggressive, you might want to think twice about firing a pistol at a chain-link fence a few feet away from your neighbor’s house. Just pour some gasoline in the kennel and light a match, durr!

Collins pleaded no contest to his charges Monday, and Mick is due in court next week.

Sources: 1

The truck driver decided after many hours on the road, to pull over at a motel. While he was sleeping, someone stole the entire rig. Police recovered the F-550 later that day, but the trailer had been disconnected and the animals were gone too.

Everyone in Quebec waited anxiously all weekend for news that a tiger had killed someone, but it never happened. Finally, last night, a tip led police the abandoned livestock trailer with all three animals inside — they had even been cared for.

Investigators were baffled that someone would steal a valuable truck, trailer, and animals only to abandon them a few days later. Police don’t have any suspects at the moment, and their only clue is that they are looking for a person who isn’t very smart.

In order to assist the investigators assigned to this case, I have compiled a list of possible theories of what happened — from least to most likely:

#3: The camels jacked the truck and took it on a joy ride, while keeping the tiger locked up in the back. The truck broke down, but the camels got a local farmer to tow the trailer to a secluded location so they could party. After 3 days of heavy drug use and drinking, the animals decided that zoo life is better, so they anonymously reported their whereabouts.

#2: An animal rights activist followed the truck driver from Nova Scotia and waited until he pulled over for the night to steal the animals. The activist then had sex with the animals and also cared for them for three days until he had to return to his family in Nova Scotia. He does this every weekend, and his wife is totally cool with it.

#1: A professional livestock trailer thief spotted the F-550 and trailer parked outside the motel. He decided to jack the whole rig, ditch the truck somewhere close, and then sell the trailer and those funny-lookin’ humpback horses to a friend. Unfortunately, nobody wanted them because tigers and camels aren’t worth much on the Canadian black market.

Only those three animals know the real truth about what happened, but at least they weren’t harmed or violated in any way — unless my second theory is correct.

As for the thief that got away, he’ll have a great story to tell his grandkids one day: “Did I ever tell you guys about the time I stole a trailer that had a tiger and two camels inside?” — “Yes grandpa, but how does it end? — “I admired ‘em for a few days and then left ‘em alone.”

Sources: 1

That made it all better, ma’am. Oh, and by the way, FUCK YOU!

Driving is one of the easiest things to do right. Being bad at driving is like not knowing how to swallow food or breathe properly. I’ve never been in an accident, and that has nothing to do with luck, and everything to do with being alert — an alien concept to women.

Ladies, it’s easy: Pay attention to the road, learn the difference between the gas and brake pedals, and don’t change your tampon or put on makeup while driving.

NEW HAMPSHIT — 42-year-old Heather Boettner almost killed a man on Saturday morning when her minivan plowed into a coin-operated laundromat. A customer inside the building was struck in the legs, but managed to escape before getting crushed.

Boettner told police that she was on her cell phone when she pulled into the laundromat. She forgot to put the minivan in park and then her foot slipped off the brake onto the gas, driving her forward into the building. Surprisingly, she was not changing her tampon.

The most intriguing part of this story is that NO CHARGES were filed against Boettner after the accident. That’s right: Despite recklessly driving into a building and almost killing a man, Heather Boettner doesn’t deserve any kind of traffic violation at all :/

My only explanation is that this must happen all the time in New Hampshire.

Sources: 1

Southwest Airlines Flight 373 had just landed in New York on Sunday evening, and the passengers were exiting the plane when a flight attendant noticed an unaccompanied carry-on bag near the back of the plane. “I said it was mine and kidding I also said that there could be a bomb in there,” Slaughter said, as he recalled the incident.

The flight attendant immediately notified the police, who promptly arrested Slaughter. After an investigation proved the airplane bomb-free, rather than releasing the old man with a slap on the wrist, they charged him with making a false bomb threat.

Draco Slaughter remains jailed in lieu of $50,000 bail until he goes back to court Friday. If convicted, he faces up to seven years (basically the rest of his life) in prison.

If I was Draco Slaughter’s grandson, I would find the flight attendant that reported him and punch her in the mouth. I understand that she was just trying to do the right thing, but use a little intuition for fuck’s sake. My 75-year-old grandpa talks about his visits to the moon all the time, but I haven’t contacted NASA to verify. Old people just say dumb shit.

I’m not saying bomb threats should be ignored on a regular basis, but even if Draco Slaughter really did have a bomb, it wouldn’t be very hard to take it from him. A swift punch to the gut, and he’d probably shit himself and then die.

Flying used to be awesome. Before 9/11, even the pilots would crack a bomb joke occasionally. Now, you get a complimentary cavity search if you even try to board the plane while wearing a t-shirt with the “bomb” printed on it.

So now, certain words and t-shirts are illegal on airplanes. What next, black babies will have to be checked with luggage? It wouldn’t surprise me! This is a sad state of affairs, and I think it’s safe to declare that the terrorists have won because from a civil rights point of view, things have only gotten far worse since 9/11.

The armies should come back home and start dropping bombs on the assholes in America that keep perpetuating this fear of terrorism.

Rendon somehow became trapped in his Cadillac and was badly burned as the gas can blazed in the seat next to him. By the time the San Antonio fire department arrived, the fire had already extinguished itself because the car’s windows were rolled up — which likely means Rendon came close to burning and suffocating to death.

To further complicate matters, the fire occurred on a busy highway during morning rush hour, so a lot of people were late to work. And it’s hard to convince your boss that you were late because some guy was on fire, especially when you used that excuse already.

It’s illegal to transport gas containers inside a vehicle’s passenger compartment, and people like Adrian Rendon are here to occasionally remind us why we need laws like that. Sadly, this is bound to happen again soon somewhere else — probably Florida.

Source: 1

If you follow no less than 5 people on Twitter you’ll quickly realize that this country’s literacy problem is like a drug-resistant strain of AIDS that even Magic Johnson couldn’t fight off. It just keeps evolving and mutating to the point where some people look like they’ve given up trying to spell and just threw a fucking bag of Scrabble tiles on the floor and then picked up random letters using their sweaty, bare ass cheeks. Then they take the tiles, throw them at the computer like a chimp hurling his own shit, and press “Enter”.

Americans’ choice of reading material seems no better than their ability to coherently combine a subject and predicate, either. Lucky for them, e-readers and iPads are rapidly growing in popularity, so nobody in a Starbucks, airport terminal, subway car or city bus will be able to judge them by the cover of the 700-page abortion of literature they’re struggling to comprehend. Rest easy, you closeted Dr. Phil fans – nobody can see you reading weight loss tips from a fat guy.

Personally, I haven’t the luxury of free time to read since I decided to get married and abandon various forms of contraception such as pulling out (Sure, I could skip this blog post and pick up a book, but then there’d be nobody to salvage Dustin’s sagging site traffic and waning credibility). However, when granted the rare opportunity to kick back and read with no interruptions I generally prefer dark humor, history and especially biographies. As much as I’ve enjoyed Stephen King’s tales of ghostly alien transsexual rapists from New England, somehow I doubt any of it really adds to the little knowledge my aging brain is able to retain.

Sadly our digital and brick & mortar book stores are stacked to the ceilings with more worthless material than an Ed Hardy factory outlet store. Our taste in what we read is as bad as our taste in the food we eat, so it came as no surprise to me to hear that Demi Moore has approached various publishers to shop around her autobiography, quite possibly the literary equivalent of the KFC Double Down.

If I took life more seriously, I’d almost be offended at the notion of a washed-up actress pushing age 50 thinking anyone gives a shit enough to buy and read a book about her life. First, let’s get the obvious out of the way – if you have to “shop around” your autobiography, that means nobody’s banging down your door to buy it. It’s like finding Cuba Gooding Jr.’s Best Supporting Actor Oscar at a yard sale and then going to every pawn shop in town trying to get the best deal for it. I guess acting school doesn’t offer a course on economics, because Mrs. Kutcher has no sense of supply and demand.

Second, what the fuck’s so interesting about Demi Moore? She’s lucky if the tabloids run a back-page story about her leaving a shitty tip at a trendy L.A. restaurant. Most people with popular autobiographies have already had their exploits fully disclosed to the public, but writing their own book gives the readers a first-hand account of what really went down. As far as I can recall, I don’t remember hearing any juicy tales of Demi Moore getting sent to drug rehab or her controversial acquittal of double-homicide. The most interesting thing about her is that she’s undergone more plastic surgery than the Jackson family, and at this point most likely douches with formaldehyde. She’s boring as shit. Even her high-profile divorce from Bruce Willis was amicable, and she probably has the Die Hard Trilogy (sorry, there’s no part 4 as far as I’m concerned) on the same shelf as her family home videos.

“Yippee-ki-yay, mother-of-my-children-fucker!”

Here’s the entire chapter list for those of you wondering what such a fascinating, in-depth peek into the life of Demi Moore may look like:

Chapter 1: A Bunch of Boring Shit About Growing Up
Chapter 2: People Actually Start Paying Me to Act
Chapter 3: I Marry John McClane
Chapter 4: My Career’s Slowing Down
Chapter 5: I Make My Plastic Surgeon an Overnight Millionaire
Chapter 6: I’m Hot and Still Can’t Find Work
Chapter 7: I Divorce John McClane and Marry the Guy from Punk’d
Chapter 8: Wrote This Book and Can’t Believe You Read This Far
Chapter 9: The Book is Too Worn by Now – No Refund for You

I think if I ever saw anyone actually reading this book, I’d grab it from their hands, set it on fire, scorch their eyes with it and throw them down a flight of stairs. This is the kind of book women buy when they don’t want to look dumb reading Star Magazine and feel they’d appear smarter with a thick, hardcover book in their hands. It’s like soccer moms listening to the Black Eyed Peas and thinking they’re hip and modern. Shit is shit is shit, and I wouldn’t use Demi Moore’s autobiography to wipe my ass (mostly because my hemorrhoids need something with aloe).