COLORADO — Two months have gone by and my hatred for the people responsible for the “Balloon Boy” hoax — the Heene family — was finally beginning to subside. Until today.

Last month, Richard Heene pleaded guilty to a felony charge of being a lying douchebag. His wife Mayumi also pleaded guilty to a similar misdemeanor charge. If things go favorably for the taxpayers, the Heenes face 2-3 months in jail. But don’t start cheering quite yet.

I’ve got a feeling that Judge Pushover will spare the Heene’s from jail and impose a hefty fine on them instead. As a result of the hoax, local, state, and federal agencies figured the Heenes owe them approximately $43,000. This amount seems reasonable if you consider all the emergency services and helicopters and superheroes that were dispatched to help.

The Heenes’ attorney, David Lane, is trying to play hardball. He thinks a $43,000 fine is simply redonkulous: “If they’ve got records to show these are legitimate costs, then we can discuss it,” he said. “But, first off, these people don’t have that kind of money.”

Don’t feel bad for the Heenes. If they aren’t going to serve jail time as a lesson, then they should at least be paying out of pocket for this for a long, long time. They pulled a hoax on a national level, but it was only a pathetic attempt to land a reality show.

I’ve got a reality show idea for you — it’s called Richard & Mayumi Heene Rightfully Go To Prison and there’s a spin-off about their sons called Three Little Orphans.

Sources: 1, 2

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I’m sick of everyone asking me why I haven’t written about the “Balloon Boy” hoax in Colorado yet. Jesus Christ, can’t a man enjoy his weekend with thinking about kids?

The muffin-shaped weather balloon that gripped America.

In case you were locked in an attic this weekend without any television, radio, or gossipy housewives yapping loudly outside the window, here’s what happened:

On Thursday, 6-year-old Falcon Heene supposedly crawled into a giant experimental weather balloon and took to the skies. America watched for hours, anticipating the balloon’s descent — but when it finally landed, Falcon wasn’t inside!

Everyone feared the worst — that Falcon fell out of the balloon. How ironic would it be if a child named after a bird actually fell out of the skies to his death?

According to the Heene family, the balloon was supposed to be secured from floating away by a tether, but it wasn’t. Before the balloon took off, Falcon was “last seen” crawling inside a tiny compartment in the balloon.

A search for Falcon began, but he was “found” shortly after hiding in a box in his attic.

“I’m just so happy to have my son back!” (lies)

Little Falcon tossed his cookies twice during separate TV interviews after being asked why he hid in the attic. At one point, he turned to his father and said, “You said we did this for a show.” Bingo! Ratted out by his own kid.

I’m not going to get into the countless interviews and articles about the Heene family since Thursday. All you need to know is that the entire thing was a HOAX and a desperate attempt for the Heene family to bag their own reality show.

Police are now pursuing charges against Richard Heene and his wife, but are unlikely to decide on the charges until next week. Richard Heene has maintained his innocence, but his lawyer said the Heenes “are willing to turn themselves in to avoid a public arrest.”

I’ll try to keep you updated when (if?) police press charges, but I’ll probably forget. Until then, try focusing all your hate on the Heene family for wasting our time.

Falcon Heene (middle), obviously looking like the biggest asshole of the three.

In a way, the Heenes accomplished their goal to reach celebrity status. Unfortunately, this kind of negative fame only lasts about 15 minutes and comes with criminal charges.

Is anyone out there still on Team Heene? I’m on Team Taxpayers now.

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