Did everyone have fun at the Twilight: Eclipse premier at midnight? I know I did. Everyone else was there to see the movie, but I only went so I could bring my nightvision camcorder and record all the girls getting fingered in the back row. There was a lot of fingering going on too — the sound of squishing vaginal juices was louder than the film’s audio.

If Justin Bieber and Marilyn Manson fucked and had a child, it would grow up to be a stereotypical Twilight fan — Goth as fuck, but equally as annoying.

COLORADO — Last night, a woman told the Colorado State Patrol that a vampire caused her to veer off the road and crash her SUV into a canal. After spotting the vampire in the road, the driver decided to reverse her vehicle and head the opposite way. However, being a woman, she reversed directly into a steep ditch.

“Hold on, Bella — I gotta go fuck with this car that’s coming up the road.” — Edward Cullen

Police did not suspect alcohol or drugs as a factor in the crash, but according to investigators, there is evidence the driver was not taking her prescribed medication.

Perhaps she’s supposed to take pills that prevent her from seeing vampires, but it’s more likely that the woman was oblivious to the fact that Halloween no longer happens once a year, but also every time a new Twilight or Harry Potter movie premieres.

Bonus: There was a werewolf sighting reported in Madison Heights, Michigan last night as well, but it just turned out to be an Indian woman getting out of the shower.

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