FLORIDA — A man dumbass was sent to the hospital with burns to 10 percent of his body after a box of fireworks exploded in his car last night in St. Petersburg.

The dumbass and his girlfriend were celebrating their “own Fourth of July” on the beach by shooting off some fireworks, despite it not being Fourth of July anymore.

Their fireworks annoyed a nearby group of people. After bickering with the group, the dumbass and his girlfriend grabbed their stuff and decided to leave before things got ugly.

From this point, there are two different versions of what happened:

Witness’s side of the story

According to an early witness report, “someone in the backseat of the [dumbass's] vehicle apparently tried hurling a mortar at a group of people nearby.” Instead, the mortar misfired and exploded in the car, causing the other fireworks to ignite.

Dumbass’s side of the story

After deciding to leave, the dumbass and his girlfriend responsibly gathered all of their burned fuses and tossed them into a box with unused fireworks. Somehow, the dead fuses came back to life and ignited the rest of the fireworks. The dumbass got burned when he tried to reach back into the car and pull his keys from the ignition.

The conclusion

It doesn’t matter what really happened. Here’s the bottom line: If you are transporting fireworks in your vehicle and they somehow ignite, then you are a dumbass. I can’t make myself any more clear than that. Of course, if I’m ever in a car full of fireworks when they explode, I’m sure I’ll have a damn good reason why it wasn’t my fault.

What a shame though. I’ll bet that 1991 Lexus LS 400 was in great condition before this.

Sources: 1

TEXAS — Adrian Rendon, 37, was rushed to the hospital Monday morning in critical condition after a fire ignited in his car while he was driving it. He tried to light a cigarette with the windows rolled up and a gas can in the passenger seat next to him.

Rendon somehow became trapped in his Cadillac and was badly burned as the gas can blazed in the seat next to him. By the time the San Antonio fire department arrived, the fire had already extinguished itself because the car’s windows were rolled up — which likely means Rendon came close to burning and suffocating to death.

To further complicate matters, the fire occurred on a busy highway during morning rush hour, so a lot of people were late to work. And it’s hard to convince your boss that you were late because some guy was on fire, especially when you used that excuse already.

It’s illegal to transport gas containers inside a vehicle’s passenger compartment, and people like Adrian Rendon are here to occasionally remind us why we need laws like that. Sadly, this is bound to happen again soon somewhere else — probably Florida.

Source: 1

Sledding is the art of descending a hillside slope at breakneck speeds while sitting on any flat object that enhances the sledding experience — like the hood of your neighbor’s car.

An important safety rule to remember when sledding is never wear a helmet — they obstruct your view. Also, if you see a person in your path, head straight for them. Chances are, you can injure them and pretend it was an accident. Life is about opportunities.

Men are genetically designed to abuse speed — velocity, not diet pills; that’s more of a woman thing — so the next level of speed-sledding involves strapping a rocket to a sled.

Rocket sleds require their own set of safety rules — for protection, hockey pads are totally unnecessary because they increase wind resistance (and decrease top-speed). Never wear them unless you actually enjoy looking like broke-ass Stormtrooper wannabe.

This is the proper way to rocket sled — notice the lack of troublesome “safety” features.

There are many different types of rocket sledding techniques. I prefer to secure a rocket directly to a reinforced steel sled because if I’m not wearing any body protection, I still want to be safe. The other method involves securing a rocket to your own back — naturally, this is a terrible idea. But it didn’t stop one Michigan man from trying it.

MICHIGAN – A 62-year-old man was hospitalized with severe burns Sunday after he attempted to rocket sled with a homemade jetpack rocket strapped to his back.

The unnamed man was hosting an annual sled party for his friends — he’s known to do something “crazy” every year. This year he filled a car muffler with gasoline and gun powder, strapped it to his back, and exploded half-way down the hill.

Witnesses were shocked. Nobody expected container of gas and gun powder to explode.

The man burned 20% of his body, including his face, but is in stable condition now. Clearly, the accident was caused by the wind resistance created by his jacket. Perhaps he should retry this stunt again next year, but use two rockets for more power, and wear a unitard.

Good thing it doesn’t snow a lot in the south because this would happen daily in Florida.

Sources: 1

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This is going to be another not-so-funny Sidecarsally story. If a man dies while trying to have sex with an alligator, that’s funny, but not when a bunch of people die in a fire.

A deadly fire ripped through a government-owned day care center in Hermosillo, Mexico on Friday. Since then, the death toll has risen from 21 to 38 children killed — most of them from smoke inhalation. Several children, however, were very badly burned.

142 children and 7 adults were in the building when its roof caught fire from a blaze that started next door. It is reported that the building had two exit doors, but one of them was padlocked. Here’s a math equation: 142 kids (many of them infants) + 7 adults watching over them + 1 rapidly-spreading fire + 2 exits – 1 exit (padlocked) = 1 EPIC FAIL SCENARIO.

Some parents rammed their cars into the building to create emergency exits, and others helped rescue as many children as they could, but almost 27% of them ended up dying. Sorry, I’m all about mathematics today.

This was not a drill.

A Mexican official stated that the building (a warehouse converted to a day care facility) passed a safety inspection last month. He did not comment, however, on whether “inaccessible emergency exits” are a safety violation or not. I guess that saying “anything goes in Mexico” is true.

My best wishes go out to the victims of this horrible tragedy. I’d pray for them too, but this is just another example of why there is no God.

Tonight, I’m gonna fight me a fire. I suggest you do the same.