FLORIDA — A man dumbass was sent to the hospital with burns to 10 percent of his body after a box of fireworks exploded in his car last night in St. Petersburg.
The dumbass and his girlfriend were celebrating their “own Fourth of July” on the beach by shooting off some fireworks, despite it not being Fourth of July anymore.
Their fireworks annoyed a nearby group of people. After bickering with the group, the dumbass and his girlfriend grabbed their stuff and decided to leave before things got ugly.
From this point, there are two different versions of what happened:
Witness’s side of the story
According to an early witness report, “someone in the backseat of the [dumbass's] vehicle apparently tried hurling a mortar at a group of people nearby.” Instead, the mortar misfired and exploded in the car, causing the other fireworks to ignite.
Dumbass’s side of the story
After deciding to leave, the dumbass and his girlfriend responsibly gathered all of their burned fuses and tossed them into a box with unused fireworks. Somehow, the dead fuses came back to life and ignited the rest of the fireworks. The dumbass got burned when he tried to reach back into the car and pull his keys from the ignition.
The conclusion
It doesn’t matter what really happened. Here’s the bottom line: If you are transporting fireworks in your vehicle and they somehow ignite, then you are a dumbass. I can’t make myself any more clear than that. Of course, if I’m ever in a car full of fireworks when they explode, I’m sure I’ll have a damn good reason why it wasn’t my fault.
What a shame though. I’ll bet that 1991 Lexus LS 400 was in great condition before this.
Florida amazes me with its stupidity. In Florida, things happen that do not happen anywhere else in the world. Humans rape armadillos and alligators in Florida — make no mistake, this has happened before and it will happen again.
I read at least one news story from Florida every day that angers me so badly that I actually have to take a hate shit immediately after reading it.
Last week in the Orlando area, a 14-year-old boy named Edwin was arrested for trying to help a lost child find her mother. The child got separated from her mother inside a Burlington Coat Factory store, and when employees failed to notice her, Edwin tried to help.
After looking around for the child’s mother, Edwin thought maybe she was in the parking lot. He took the child’s hand and lead her outside — she wasn’t there either. Upon returning to the store, Edwin and the child were spotted by the frantic mother.
Edwin, although only a teenager, is a friendly giant — like Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile — so it freaked the child’s mother out when she found her baby holding hands with a magical ex-slave fugitive rapist. Despite Edwin’s mother being present during the incident, the child’s mother decided to get the police involved.
The angry mother decided NOT to press any charges once Edwin and his mom explained, but the police arrested Edwin anyway and charged him with false imprisonment.
The police captain justified the charges by saying, “He was in custody of the child and had no authority to be so… we have not charged him with an offense that did not occur.” — This is the attitude that contributes to Florida having one of the highest incarceration rates in the US.
To make matters worse, Edwin’s privacy rights were violated because news cameras were rolling and reporters were shoving microphones in his face as he was hauled away in handcuffs. That’s right: The cops waited until the media showed up to exploit the 14-year-old honest citizen they captured — Florida tax dollars hard at work.
Within minutes, reports were rolling out that a kidnapper had been caught. And just like Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile, Edwin was wrongly persecuted and completely misunderstood for trying to help a little girl. There are a lot of similarities between these two stories, but I don’t think Edwin will get the electric chair for his crimes.
See how stupid Florida can be? The cops can’t even catch real criminals anymore — they just arrest people that remind them of characters from Stephen King novels.
FLORIDA — A 37-year-old grandmother was arrested for drunk-driving with her toddler granddaughter in the back seat. When police pulled Sandra Layton over for swerving through traffic, she was so drunk that she was slurring her words and could barely stand up on her own.
It’s not easy for a woman to become a grandmother by her mid-thirties. She has to make sure that her daughter follows the family tradition of teenage pregnancy that started with her 59-year old great-great grandmother.
A mother can’t force her teenage daughter to get pregnant, but she can poke holes in her condoms, or just completely misinform her about how pregnancy works.
Once the teenage daughter becomes a teenage mom herself, the newly-anointed grandma can relax and enjoy life by becoming a raging alcoholic. Yet despite her drinking habit, she will be forced to babysit for her daughter while she strips to pay for beauty school.
Do scenarios like this occur often?
You bet your anus. In fact, the number of GILFs (fuckable grandmas) has increased exponentially in Florida since it earned the nickname “The Fucktard State” in 1983.
Although I enjoy mocking “The Great Soggy Dick-Shaped State” of Florida, I’d be a hypocrite not to admit that I too come from a dysfunctional family of Floridalcoholics.
I often reminisce about my younger years when Mom used to drink all of Dad’s beer while he was at work. She had to replenish it before he got home or else he would beat her, so seven of us children would pile in the back of the pickup truck while Mom and the baby rode shotgun. She told us to pretend like the ride to the liquor store was a video game.
If a cop ever pulled her over for driving on the wrong side of the road, Mom would just take out her dentures and blow on the secret breathalyzer in the officer’s pants, and then he would let us go. One time a lady cop pulled us over, but she didn’t have a secret breathalyzer for Mom to blow on — so she went to jail and then Dad beat her.
Before she got drunk and fell into the swamp and that damn alligator ate her, Mom always used to say to me, “Son, shut the hell up before I break my ass off on your foot.”
I would’ve killed that alligator, but it died of alcohol poisoning after eating Mom.
All this seriously happened. Especially the very first paragraph of this article.
It’s a well-known fact that elderly people drive like shit. They drive like they have all the time in the world to get to their destination, while not paying attention to a goddamn thing around them. However, unlike women drivers, old drivers are predictable and easy to avoid, thus making them far less dangerous than women.
Technically, the worst drivers in the world are elderly women: Combine the slowness and absentmindedness of a senior citizen with the naturally terrible driving skills of a woman, and you have created the ultimate rolling disaster.
In a perfect world, men would rule the highway while women nagged at us from the passenger seat (or trunk, preferably) — but our world is not perfect, so we take it in stride.
FLORIDA — Despite the dangers of having women — especially old ones — driving around, I do not agree with what happened to 78-year-old Gabrielle Shaink Trudeau.
Police pulled Ol’ Gabby over in September for driving too slow and ticketed her for also driving on a suspended license. When she got confused and failed to show up at court in November, three police officers drove to Gabby’s home and arrested her.
“They came on real strong, like I had killed somebody or something,” she told reporters.
Gabby was taken to jail and attended her pre-trial the next day. The pre-trial services division found that she was eligible for release on her own recognizance, but forgot to tell the judge. Oblivious to everything, the judge ordered Gabby back to jail until her trial.
Gabrielle Shaink Trudeau, 78, claims the years have not been kind to her (or her face).
Gabby spent two unnecessary weeks in jail, including Thanksgiving. The courts realized their mistake on December 2nd, the morning of Gabby’s trial. “Why the fuck has this old lady been in jail for two weeks,” they wondered. “Dude, we forgot to tell the judge to let her go!”
The judge was stunned and eager to apologize. “She’s got chains around her waist and handcuffs in front around her hands as if she was some kind of a violent criminal,” he said. “I want her released. I think she’s suffered enough at our system’s mistakes.”
And that’s it. Nobody got fired or punished severely.
The court system is like a selfish child. There’s no real punishment for the judges and attorneys when they “accidentally” fuck up someone’s life and then turn around and hypocritically say, “Ignorance is no excuse to break the law — you are going to jail.”
The people at fault here should serve two weeks in jail on felony dickbrain charges.
Unless you’re a fancypants first-class kind of asshole, you probably hate flying. Sure, it’s fascinating to look down 35,000 feet and see a bunch of tiny shit, but only if you have a window seat. What about the passengers with aisle seats, or worse, the middle seat?
I once sat crushed between two people that were so fat, my t-shirt soaked up their body sweat from both sides. By the end of the flight, all I could smell was armpits and taints.
Large, sweaty bodies, jammed inside a tiny flying capsule 7 miles above the earth that could explode at any moment? Fuck. It’s hard not to lose your shit on a plane.
FLORIDA — Delta Airlines flight 2485 was about to depart from Miami yesterday until Mansor Mohammad Asad, 43, felt the need to proclaim his hatred for Jews. Passengers watched uncomfortably as Asad lost his temper and shouted violent racial slurs.
“I’m Palestinian and I want kill all the Jews,” Asad shouted in Arabic.
The pilot immediately turned the plane around on the runway and called police, who arrested him for disorderly conduct. He was also charged with resisting arrest and making threats against a public servant.
Before he was arrested, police were forced to subdue Asad with a stun gun after he charged at an officer with fists clenched. He also threatened the officers who searched him, and was quoted saying, “I’m not afraid of you cops, I’ve gotten in fights with cops and broke their arms in three places… I’ve broken skulls too!”
This man is apparently not very fond of the Jewish community.
Asad owns a small business in Toledo, Ohio and is described by his son as a good man that suffers from bi-polar disorder. “He just lost his temper,” says the son. “There’s no excuse, but someone had to have pushed his button.” His anti-Jew button.
Speaking from personal experience, typical bi-polar behavior doesn’t include shouting things like “I want to kill all Jews!” — that just means you’re a racist dickhole.
Bi-polar people are more like, “I hope you burn to death in a fiery car crash, you worthless piece of shit. Why don’t you just do the world a favor and blow your fucking head off tonight.”
See the difference? A true bi-polar freakout is much more effective and personal than a shitty unoriginal racial slur. Hating Jews is so 1940. If you’re going to lose your temper on a plane, do it right: Focus your rage directly on one unlucky person, not an entire ethnicity.
FLORIDA — A 37-year-old grandmother was arrested for drunk-driving with her toddler granddaughter in the back seat. When police pulled Sandra Layton over for swerving through traffic, she was so drunk that she was slurring her words and could barely stand up on her own.
