It’s a well-known fact that elderly people drive like shit. They drive like they have all the time in the world to get to their destination, while not paying attention to a goddamn thing around them. However, unlike women drivers, old drivers are predictable and easy to avoid, thus making them far less dangerous than women.
Technically, the worst drivers in the world are elderly women: Combine the slowness and absentmindedness of a senior citizen with the naturally terrible driving skills of a woman, and you have created the ultimate rolling disaster.
In a perfect world, men would rule the highway while women nagged at us from the passenger seat (or trunk, preferably) — but our world is not perfect, so we take it in stride.
FLORIDA — Despite the dangers of having women — especially old ones — driving around, I do not agree with what happened to 78-year-old Gabrielle Shaink Trudeau.
Police pulled Ol’ Gabby over in September for driving too slow and ticketed her for also driving on a suspended license. When she got confused and failed to show up at court in November, three police officers drove to Gabby’s home and arrested her.
“They came on real strong, like I had killed somebody or something,” she told reporters.
Gabby was taken to jail and attended her pre-trial the next day. The pre-trial services division found that she was eligible for release on her own recognizance, but forgot to tell the judge. Oblivious to everything, the judge ordered Gabby back to jail until her trial.
Gabrielle Shaink Trudeau, 78, claims the years have not been kind to her (or her face).
Gabby spent two unnecessary weeks in jail, including Thanksgiving. The courts realized their mistake on December 2nd, the morning of Gabby’s trial. “Why the fuck has this old lady been in jail for two weeks,” they wondered. “Dude, we forgot to tell the judge to let her go!”
The judge was stunned and eager to apologize. “She’s got chains around her waist and handcuffs in front around her hands as if she was some kind of a violent criminal,” he said. “I want her released. I think she’s suffered enough at our system’s mistakes.”
And that’s it. Nobody got fired or punished severely.
The court system is like a selfish child. There’s no real punishment for the judges and attorneys when they “accidentally” fuck up someone’s life and then turn around and hypocritically say, “Ignorance is no excuse to break the law — you are going to jail.”
The people at fault here should serve two weeks in jail on felony dickbrain charges.
Unless you’re a fancypants first-class kind of asshole, you probably hate flying. Sure, it’s fascinating to look down 35,000 feet and see a bunch of tiny shit, but only if you have a window seat. What about the passengers with aisle seats, or worse, the middle seat?
I once sat crushed between two people that were so fat, my t-shirt soaked up their body sweat from both sides. By the end of the flight, all I could smell was armpits and taints.
Large, sweaty bodies, jammed inside a tiny flying capsule 7 miles above the earth that could explode at any moment? Fuck. It’s hard not to lose your shit on a plane.
FLORIDA — Delta Airlines flight 2485 was about to depart from Miami yesterday until Mansor Mohammad Asad, 43, felt the need to proclaim his hatred for Jews. Passengers watched uncomfortably as Asad lost his temper and shouted violent racial slurs.
“I’m Palestinian and I want kill all the Jews,” Asad shouted in Arabic.
The pilot immediately turned the plane around on the runway and called police, who arrested him for disorderly conduct. He was also charged with resisting arrest and making threats against a public servant.
Before he was arrested, police were forced to subdue Asad with a stun gun after he charged at an officer with fists clenched. He also threatened the officers who searched him, and was quoted saying, “I’m not afraid of you cops, I’ve gotten in fights with cops and broke their arms in three places… I’ve broken skulls too!”
This man is apparently not very fond of the Jewish community.
Asad owns a small business in Toledo, Ohio and is described by his son as a good man that suffers from bi-polar disorder. “He just lost his temper,” says the son. “There’s no excuse, but someone had to have pushed his button.” His anti-Jew button.
Speaking from personal experience, typical bi-polar behavior doesn’t include shouting things like “I want to kill all Jews!” — that just means you’re a racist dickhole.
Bi-polar people are more like, “I hope you burn to death in a fiery car crash, you worthless piece of shit. Why don’t you just do the world a favor and blow your fucking head off tonight.”
See the difference? A true bi-polar freakout is much more effective and personal than a shitty unoriginal racial slur. Hating Jews is so 1940. If you’re going to lose your temper on a plane, do it right: Focus your rage directly on one unlucky person, not an entire ethnicity.
Gay porn star Andrew Grande probably had a huge penis. I don’t know because I’ve never seen any of his films, but I do know one thing for sure: big dick or not, he’s dead.
One of the final pictures taken of Andrew Grande. He was probably gettin’ a blowie.
FLORIDA — Last Friday, Panama Beach police responded to a physical disturbance call at a motel. When they arrived, a woman claimed Grande had attacked her. Police tried to arrest Grande, but he resisted and tried to swallow a small bag of marijuana in front of them.
As his struggle with the officers continued, the bag of weed became lodged in Grande’s throat. He broke free from the officers, so they tasered him while he was choking.
Grande fell to the ground and tried desperately to make himself vomit. One officer tried to perform the Heimlich to no avail. When paramedics arrived, they were able to remove the bag from Grande’s throat but it was too late — he was pronounced dead at the hospital.
The entire thing was caught on camera by a television crew that was riding with the cops.
Out of respect, I’ll refrain from making a “gay man fails at swallowing” joke for now.
The officers claim that Grande was tasered not because he was resisting arrest, but because he was preventing them from helping him — even though they didn’t attempt the Heimlich maneuver until Grande was already tasered and half-dead.
Cop 1:“We can’t help this choking guy, sergeant. We can’t get our fingers in his mouth to remove the baggy. What should we do? We need to keep him calm before he suffocates.”
Cop 2:“Calm? Fuck that, taser his ass and make him spit it out.”
FAIL.
Quality Comments:There ain’t none yet!
Please leave your comments in the comments section below.
Imagine for a moment that you are a happily-married mother earning a decent salary working as a deputy at the local sheriff’s office. One day, you come home and find your 20-year-old daughter naked in her bedroom with her boyfriend. What would you do?
If you guessed C) Put a gun to his head, punch him repeatedly, and threaten to press trespassing and rape charges on him, then you must be from Florida.
FLORIDA — Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office corrections deputy Dorethea Collier has been charged with false imprisonment, aggravated assault, and battery for attacking her daughter’s boyfriend. When Collier unexpectedly arrived home on November 2nd, her daughter was giving a BJ to Larry Butler, 19. Startled, he dashed into a closet, naked.
“I want to soooo bad, but my mom… she’s pretty overprotective.”
Upon discovering Butler in the closet, Collier punched him a few times and pointed her gun at him. She handcuffed him and ordered him to his knees. Her daughter begged for his life.
Collier held Butler captive and called her husband — who in turn punched Butler a few more times (along with his own daughter). Butler claims the Collier’s also threatened him with rape charges before finally allowing him to get dressed and leave.
Following the incident, Collier filed a trespassing complaint against Butler right around the time he was filing a complaint with the Sheriff’s Office’s internal affairs office. Owned.
Collier, who was released from jail on $5,000 bail, is on paid administrative leave.
I hope the swift hand of justice inserts itself deeply into Dorethea Collier’s anus. She’s guilty of some serious cockblocking and it’s unforgivable. Oh, and the gun thing. You shouldn’t point guns at the dudes that fuck your daughters — this ain’t Kentucky.
ST. PETERSBURG — 53-year-old William Wright had an obsession with masturbating to upskirt photos of unsuspecting women. He would go to grocery stores and scout for female shoppers wearing skirts (this is common in Florida) and then things would get weird.
Wright would slide his foot under womens’ skirts and record their camel toes with a camera attached to his shoe. Unfortunately, most respectable women wear panties under skirts, but the occasional beaver flash on film made it all worth it for Wright.
If you think this is impressive, you should see my toilet cam.
On Saturday, Wright was filming some cooter at a local Publix grocery store when a woman recognized him and called police. They arrived on time for once and confronted Wright.
Authorities found computer flash drives in his pocket, along with a trigger device, and two wires protruding from his pocket. The body of the camera was in Wright’s pants, and the lens was apparently attached to one of his shoes. [1]
He was arrested and charged with voyeurism.
The Japanese are far ahead of us in voyeuristic technologies. Shoe cameras are a thing of the past — perverts stopped using shoe cams once that PSA came out.
All my teenage male readers, I hope you’re taking notes.
Before you judge William Wright and the countless other perverts out there, think about this: Television networks like MTV are the biggest voyeurs of all.
A photo of Britney’s cunt was worth a small fortune before she showed us several times how frighteningly hideous it is. Paparazzis pray for crotch shots like you pray to hit the lottery, and magazines and websites publish them for profit as well.
Besides, without people like William Wright, there would be nothing to masturbate to.
