Gay porn star Andrew Grande probably had a huge penis. I don’t know because I’ve never seen any of his films, but I do know one thing for sure: big dick or not, he’s dead.
One of the final pictures taken of Andrew Grande. He was probably gettin’ a blowie.
FLORIDA — Last Friday, Panama Beach police responded to a physical disturbance call at a motel. When they arrived, a woman claimed Grande had attacked her. Police tried to arrest Grande, but he resisted and tried to swallow a small bag of marijuana in front of them.
As his struggle with the officers continued, the bag of weed became lodged in Grande’s throat. He broke free from the officers, so they tasered him while he was choking.
Grande fell to the ground and tried desperately to make himself vomit. One officer tried to perform the Heimlich to no avail. When paramedics arrived, they were able to remove the bag from Grande’s throat but it was too late — he was pronounced dead at the hospital.
The entire thing was caught on camera by a television crew that was riding with the cops.
Out of respect, I’ll refrain from making a “gay man fails at swallowing” joke for now.
The officers claim that Grande was tasered not because he was resisting arrest, but because he was preventing them from helping him — even though they didn’t attempt the Heimlich maneuver until Grande was already tasered and half-dead.
Cop 1:“We can’t help this choking guy, sergeant. We can’t get our fingers in his mouth to remove the baggy. What should we do? We need to keep him calm before he suffocates.”
Cop 2:“Calm? Fuck that, taser his ass and make him spit it out.”
FAIL.
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Imagine for a moment that you are a happily-married mother earning a decent salary working as a deputy at the local sheriff’s office. One day, you come home and find your 20-year-old daughter naked in her bedroom with her boyfriend. What would you do?
If you guessed C) Put a gun to his head, punch him repeatedly, and threaten to press trespassing and rape charges on him, then you must be from Florida.
FLORIDA — Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office corrections deputy Dorethea Collier has been charged with false imprisonment, aggravated assault, and battery for attacking her daughter’s boyfriend. When Collier unexpectedly arrived home on November 2nd, her daughter was giving a BJ to Larry Butler, 19. Startled, he dashed into a closet, naked.
“I want to soooo bad, but my mom… she’s pretty overprotective.”
Upon discovering Butler in the closet, Collier punched him a few times and pointed her gun at him. She handcuffed him and ordered him to his knees. Her daughter begged for his life.
Collier held Butler captive and called her husband — who in turn punched Butler a few more times (along with his own daughter). Butler claims the Collier’s also threatened him with rape charges before finally allowing him to get dressed and leave.
Following the incident, Collier filed a trespassing complaint against Butler right around the time he was filing a complaint with the Sheriff’s Office’s internal affairs office. Owned.
Collier, who was released from jail on $5,000 bail, is on paid administrative leave.
I hope the swift hand of justice inserts itself deeply into Dorethea Collier’s anus. She’s guilty of some serious cockblocking and it’s unforgivable. Oh, and the gun thing. You shouldn’t point guns at the dudes that fuck your daughters — this ain’t Kentucky.
ST. PETERSBURG — 53-year-old William Wright had an obsession with masturbating to upskirt photos of unsuspecting women. He would go to grocery stores and scout for female shoppers wearing skirts (this is common in Florida) and then things would get weird.
Wright would slide his foot under womens’ skirts and record their camel toes with a camera attached to his shoe. Unfortunately, most respectable women wear panties under skirts, but the occasional beaver flash on film made it all worth it for Wright.
If you think this is impressive, you should see my toilet cam.
On Saturday, Wright was filming some cooter at a local Publix grocery store when a woman recognized him and called police. They arrived on time for once and confronted Wright.
Authorities found computer flash drives in his pocket, along with a trigger device, and two wires protruding from his pocket. The body of the camera was in Wright’s pants, and the lens was apparently attached to one of his shoes. [1]
He was arrested and charged with voyeurism.
The Japanese are far ahead of us in voyeuristic technologies. Shoe cameras are a thing of the past — perverts stopped using shoe cams once that PSA came out.
All my teenage male readers, I hope you’re taking notes.
Before you judge William Wright and the countless other perverts out there, think about this: Television networks like MTV are the biggest voyeurs of all.
A photo of Britney’s cunt was worth a small fortune before she showed us several times how frighteningly hideous it is. Paparazzis pray for crotch shots like you pray to hit the lottery, and magazines and websites publish them for profit as well.
Besides, without people like William Wright, there would be nothing to masturbate to.
FLORIDA — With the Bubble Boy hoax still fresh in America’s mind, Floridian Susan Baker had a better trick up her sleeve — stash a baby in a box, and not tell anyone.
A baby missing for five days was found alive and well under her baby sitter’s bed, and Florida authorities said Thursday they plan to charge the sitter, her husband and the child’s mother. [1]
Susan Baker was babysitting 7-month-old Shannon Dedrick on Halloween when the little girl went missing. Over 100 law enforcement agents and other volunteers combed the nearby swamps, but found no traces of the baby until they searched Baker’s home.
Inside Baker’s home, investigators found Shannon tucked in a box under a bed with items organized around the box as if to conceal it.
How she ever fit into a box with a massive melon like that is unknown.
Now it’s time to play the Scary Facts About Susan Baker Game!
In 1987, Susan Baker’s 3-year-old stepson, Paul Baker, went missing. He apparently disappeared while she was “napping,” and they never found his body.
That same year, Susan was charged with assault and battery with intent to kill after her 6-year-old daughter was found to be severely beaten — her hands were broken as well. She was convicted and sentenced to 10 years in prison, but only served 80 days.
80 days for beating the fuck out of a kid. Is that all you get? Hmmmm…
This is what Paul Baker would look like if Susan hadn’t killed him in ‘87.
Something tells me Susan Baker won’t be baking anything for a long time (Goddamn baking jokes. Sorry guys, that’s all I got for you. It’s Friday, for the love of dicks).
I had no idea you could leave infants completely on their own for five days (in the dark) without them dying. I’m gonna save a ton of money on babysitters when I have kids.
Which will be never.
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The Braham family from Palm Bay, Florida was full of clever little ideas. For example, they made up the nickname “The Bram Fam” for themselves. They’re dead now though.
FLORIDA — Melville Braham, 55, Anna Braham, 49, and their son Anthony Braham, 15, were accidentally electrocuted to death last night after an antenna they were erecting in their backyard connected with power lines overhead.
THE FLORIDA WAY OF THINKING:
The bright idea: Erect a giant HAM radio antenna in the backyard. Enlist the assistance of your wife, teenage son, and his friend.
The purpose: Possibility of contacting extraterrestrial lifeforms. Also, eavesdropping on sexually-explicit truck driver conversations.
Risks Involved: Nothin’, really. There’s no thunder clouds overhead, just a set of power lines. We’re wearin’ shoes today though, so we’ll be safe.
Safety precautions taken: Bottle of Jack Daniels for courage.
Outcome: During the attempt to raise the antenna from the ground, the Brahams lost control of the antenna and it struck an overhead power line. 13,000 volts of electricity coursed through their bodies until they were dead — but they smelled delicious.
Where’s a hidden camera when you need one?
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