The Braham family from Palm Bay, Florida was full of clever little ideas. For example, they made up the nickname “The Bram Fam” for themselves. They’re dead now though.

FLORIDA — Melville Braham, 55, Anna Braham, 49, and their son Anthony Braham, 15, were accidentally electrocuted to death last night after an antenna they were erecting in their backyard connected with power lines overhead.

THE FLORIDA WAY OF THINKING:

The bright idea: Erect a giant HAM radio antenna in the backyard. Enlist the assistance of your wife, teenage son, and his friend.

The purpose: Possibility of contacting extraterrestrial lifeforms. Also, eavesdropping on sexually-explicit truck driver conversations.

Risks Involved: Nothin’, really. There’s no thunder clouds overhead, just a set of power lines. We’re wearin’ shoes today though, so we’ll be safe.

Safety precautions taken: Bottle of Jack Daniels for courage.

Outcome: During the attempt to raise the antenna from the ground, the Brahams lost control of the antenna and it struck an overhead power line. 13,000 volts of electricity coursed through their bodies until they were dead — but they smelled delicious.

Where’s a hidden camera when you need one?

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FLORIDA — While most people were hanging out with friends last Saturday night, 41-year-old Venus Lewis had other plans — she was horny for some teenage sausage.

Venus headed over to the local recreation center in Marion County where she found two teenage boys playing football. In a horny rage, she chased the boys around, saying she would catch them and then have sex with them.

This type of lascivious behavior is all-too-common for Floridian crack whores. The boys knew that Venus seriously wanted to rape them, but she was just a harmless crackhead, so they watched from a distance as the frustrated woman decided to masturbate instead.

And then things got weird.

According to the police report, Venus walked between two picnic tables, dropped her pants, and then inserted a tampon into her vagina. Afterward, she laid on one of the tables and masturbated in front of the boys — who claimed that they didn’t watch.

Police believed that Venus was intoxicated during the incident. She was charged with three counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition. She was also charged with battery for allegedly grabbing the genitals of one of the boys.

Oh, those poor children… right?

Here’s the thing: If you’re a 15-year-old boy and a middle-aged crack whore is playing with herself and inserting tampons in front of you, you’re not gonna turn away. You’ll sit there and watch the entire show and tell everyone you know how awesome it was.

I was in Santa Monica last October, and a homeless woman took a piss 20 feet from me while I was smoking a blunt on the boardwalk. I watched her urinate from start to finish, and even cheered her on. That was my fondest memory of California.

What shocks me most about this is that I had no idea crack whores even use tampons.

A 2-year-old girl was strangled to death by a 12 foot Burmese python this morning, in Florida of course. Police are now questioning the mother and her boyfriend to find out exactly what happened and if this tragedy could have been prevented.

This picture is a dramatization.

The murderous snake was owned by Charles Jason Darnell, boyfriend of the young victim’s mother. Because Burmese pythons can grow so large, their owners are required to have a permit, but Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission said that Darnell did not have one. He now could face charges of child endangerment and neglect.

Darnell told police that he put the python in its aquarium in the living room last night. When he woke up this morning, the snake had escaped and was on top of the 2-year-old in another room. He stabbed the snake with a knife to free the child, and then called 911.

The home where it all went down.

Anyone who has owned a python knows that they are a lot smarter than they look. I used to have a 3 foot ball python, and he escaped once — much to the dismay of my kitten. Luckily, he got hungry again after a couple of weeks and actually returned to his aquarium. That’s a smart fuckin’ snake!

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission says that people often release pythons into the wild if they grow too large. The snakes thrive in Florida’s climate and end up doing crazy shit like eating alligators and exploding afterward.

The most badass thing to happen in nature, ever.

I recommend every snake owner release their slithery friend back into the wild so more stuff like this happens — alligator-snake explosions, not the strangle death of children.

You know what’s awesome? Going to Time.com, and seeing this headline:

Florida has a problem, and it’s not alligators anymore. Stories of sexual relations between female teachers and their students have been popping up all over Florida this year. It’s an epidemic, apparently.

This is the kind of epidemic I was praying for as a young man in high school. Why couldn’t Mrs. Jensen ask me to stay late for some extra credit (penis-in-vagina)? She must have been a lesbian.

What is it about teenage boys that drives unattractive sex-starved teachers wild? I put together a crack team of teacher-student sexologists at the University of Shitsville, and they prepared this explanation for me:

We have discovered the cause of the epidemic to be a new gas called dick vapor.

The only females who can avoid succumbing to dick vapor are non-sluts, women with morals, and lesbians (bi-sexuals are not immune to DV).

With this information, scientists can work on a way to circumvent dick vapor, or at least lower the dick vapor index (DVI) in a classroom. This would help the more vulnerable teachers focus on their lesson plans instead of the crotches of underage boys.