Seldom has anyone received multiple entries in Sidecarsally. However, I’m thrilled to report another break in the “Balloon Boy” case — Richard and Mayumi Heene are goin’ to jail!
Richard Heene spots a spider crawling on the ceiling above him.
The Heenes looked disappointed after the judge announced their sentences yesterday — 90 days of jail for Richard and 20 days for his wife Yoko. Also, they have to re-pay every penny that was spent on chasing the balloon and investigating the hoax. Justice prevails!
Richard will serve two-thirds of his jail time in a work release program which allows him to work during the day as a construction contractor, but he must report back to jail each evening. His wife will be allowed to report to jail and serve her time on the weekends.
Furthermore, the Heenes were placed on probation for four years which forbids them from earning money related to the hoax, so even if Richard Heene wanted to write a bestseller called “Why I’m Such a Dumbass Jerkoff”, he couldn’t get paid for it.
Prosecutor Andrew Lewis said it best: “People around the world were watching this unfold. Mr. Heene wasted a lot of manpower and money in wanting to get himself some publicity.”
YAY FOR JUSTICE!
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COLORADO — Two months have gone by and my hatred for the people responsible for the “Balloon Boy” hoax — the Heene family — was finally beginning to subside. Until today.
Last month, Richard Heene pleaded guilty to a felony charge of being a lying douchebag. His wife Mayumi also pleaded guilty to a similar misdemeanor charge. If things go favorably for the taxpayers, the Heenes face 2-3 months in jail. But don’t start cheering quite yet.
I’ve got a feeling that Judge Pushover will spare the Heene’s from jail and impose a hefty fine on them instead. As a result of the hoax, local, state, and federal agencies figured the Heenes owe them approximately $43,000. This amount seems reasonable if you consider all the emergency services and helicopters and superheroes that were dispatched to help.
The Heenes’ attorney, David Lane, is trying to play hardball. He thinks a $43,000 fine is simply redonkulous: “If they’ve got records to show these are legitimate costs, then we can discuss it,” he said. “But, first off, these people don’t have that kind of money.”
Don’t feel bad for the Heenes. If they aren’t going to serve jail time as a lesson, then they should at least be paying out of pocket for this for a long, long time. They pulled a hoax on a national level, but it was only a pathetic attempt to land a reality show.
I’ve got a reality show idea for you — it’s called Richard & Mayumi Heene Rightfully Go To Prison and there’s a spin-off about their sons called Three Little Orphans.
ARKANSAS — It is perfectly legal for a police officer to taser a suspect of any age — so long as the suspect is resisting arrest or posing some risk of potential injury to others.
A couple weeks ago, I reported on the Arkansas cop that tasered a 10-year-old girl at the command of her mother. If you haven’t read the article, click HERE.
(But don’t forget to come back and read the update, dumbass.)
Update: After investigating the incident, the Ozark Police Department has fired officer Dustin Bradshaw for failing to initiate the camera on his stun gun before using it.
Police issue taser guns have tiny video cameras pre-installed in them, and cops are required to activate the camera before discharging their weapon.
According to Ozark police chief Jim Noggle, officer Bradshaw had been warned several times to activate the stun gun’s camera and microphone on his lapel before taking any action — but Bradshaw was a rebel with no regard for the rules:
“Officer Bradshaw [once] stated that it is worth a 5 point deduction just so he would not have to carry the cameras,” Noggle wrote. “In the past he had been told to wear and use his cameras by me on several occasions.” [1]
In the meanwhile, Dustin Bradshaw can spend his unemployed hours taking self-defense lessons, so he can properly defend himself against A FUCKING 10-YEAR-OLD GIRL.
OHIO — Perry Township police chief Timothy Escola has recently “retired” after being caught on his own dashboard camera kissing fellow officer Janine England — while escorting a suspect in custody.
We now have photos of the two officers involved:
Timothy Escola is a fucking PIMP. Ew, Janine. WTF?
30-year-old sex kitten Janine England was fired today after the video exploded on Youtube faster than Escola exploded in his Depends. A semen explosion, not diarrhea — that was later.
In the video, Janine looked closely at the backseat a few times. Nobody knows why, but she appeared to whisper something off-topic from the handjob she was giving. Distraction is key. “How bout that Michael Jackson memorial? K, look away now.”
I’m sorry you lost your job, Janine. Come work for me. I’ll pay you one dick per hour.
Last week, I wrote about the 18-year-old girl from Belgium who “fell asleep” while getting a few stars tattooed on her face, and woke up with half of her face covered in stars. If you recall, her name was Cunty McMasterson. As it turns out, Cunty wanted those tattoos. All 56 of ‘em.
“I asked for 56 stars and initially adored them, but when my father saw them, he was furious, so I said I fell asleep and that the tattoist had made a mistake,” Cunty told a Dutch TV crew.
“This is my sad face.”
Seriously though, none of us have the right to judge Cunty. We’ve all blamed other people for our mistakes. For instance, one time I shat the bed and blamed it on the cat. It worked too because I was a little kid and my turds were really small like cat poop.
