Wow, can you believe it’s Earth Day again already? I know, I totally forgot about it too.

Earth Day is supposed to inspire awareness and appreciation for our planet. When U.S. Senator Gaylord Nelson first got the idea for Earth Day in 1969, he imagined millions of hippies holding hands around a candle and praying to Mother Nature.

Remember, LSD was also at the height of its popularity in 1969.

Forty years later, Earth Day is still somewhat celebrated by people, but not the way it should be. Nowadays if somebody wants to show their support for a cause, they tweet about it. Rather than attending a protest or rally, people complain from their keyboards.

Why go outside when you can log some hours on Twitter debating with @dumbshit5 about the benefits of recycling? Planting trees takes so much more effort than typing.

The best thing that could happen on Earth Day is a worldwide power outage, followed by a worldwide rainbow forming in the sky. Then everyone would go outside in unison and look at the rainbow and appreciate how special our planet is.

Until the power comes back on.

Nothing heals the planet like sunshine on a pair of 45-year-old tits.

Some words have double meanings. Take the word “penis” for example, it could refer to two things: most obviously, the male genitalia — but it’s also my nickname for you.

“Groundhog Day” is another term that means two different things. Groundhog Day was an awesome movie starring Bill Murray, but it’s also an asinine holiday invented by some jerkoff who had a sexual penchant for rodents — no, not Richard Gere.

According to folklore, groundhogs can predict the weather. On February 2nd, if a groundhog sees its own shadow, we’re in for 6 more weeks of winter weather. But if the groundhog fails to see its shadow, then winter will supposedly end sooner. Yeah, OK.

People gathered in large numbers today all over the US and Canada to see if the almighty groundhog in their town would see his shadow. And the result: WHO GIVES A FUCK?

Take a moment to consider the pure absurdity of Groundhog Day. Since groundhogs can’t speak, each town that holds a Groundhog Day event must elect a “groundhog ambassador” — his job is to interpret groundhog emotions and convey them to the public.

“Fuck my life.” — Groundhog

Canada completed a study in 13 cities to measure the “groundhog weather prediction success rate” for the last 30 to 40 years. According to the study, groundhogs were only correct 37% of the time — in conclusion, groundhogs don’t know shit.

If someone wishes you a happy Groundhog Day today, just give them a cold stare because they don’t even deserve a response from you. You’re better than that.

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

Leave your comments in the comments section below.