When it comes to movies, I only bother with two genres; horror and porn. Actually, three genres — I forgot about HorrorPorn. I’d rather have my cock stapled to the muzzle of a rabid wolf than watch The Notebook or Legally Blonde, unless there’s a boob scene and I can fast-forward directly to it. And it’s gotta be fully-exposed nipple.

The next movie to deserve a review from me is the Horror film The Human Centipede (First Sequence).

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) tells the story of a mad surgeon and his quest to create “Siamese triplets” by surgically connecting three humans from MOUTH TO ANUS.

Imagine three people on their hands and knees connected ass-to-mouth. From front to back, they will be referred to as A, B, and C.

Here’s how it all works: By connecting B’s mouth to A’s anus, A can shit into B’s mouth, slightly nourishing her with his feces. C is in the back with her mouth connected to B’s anus, so she is fed by the already-digested shit of both A and B.

Can a person survive on a shit diet?

Supposedly, by supplementing B’s diet and keeping C on an IV-drip, the human centipede could survive for years. Luckily, A can eat normal food because he leads the centipede, so his mouth isn’t sewn to anyone’s anus.

Director Tom Six worked on the film with a Dutch surgeon, who claims that the film is 100% medically accurate. I don’t know whether to be happy about that, or freaked out.

Boobs?

There is no shortage of breastacles in this movie. Both B and C of the human centipede are females with boobs, and the director took the liberty of keeping them topless for most of the film. Unfortunately, it’s hard to enjoy the eye candy considering the context it’s in.

The middle of the centipede (Ashley C. Williams) had a particularly nice rack, but after she got her mouth shat in, I found her a little less attractive.

Bottom Line

Just when you think you’ve seen everything, a film like The Human Centipede raises the bar for creativity (and depravity). There are definitely no other movies about a mad surgeon that goes around sewing lips to anuses and vice versa.

If bad acting bothers you, don’t worry because you won’t find any in this movie. When the front of the centipede shouted, “Shit, I have to shit! FORGIVE ME!” to the girl behind him, I really believed it was happening — especially when her eyes got real big.

The Human Centipede is one the best movies I’ve ever seen. I recommend it to everyone, even people that don’t have ass-to-mouth fetishes. Watch this movie TONIGHT.

Get ready for one of the most fucked up movies ever.

“Martyrs” is a French mystery-horror film directed by Pascal Laugier, and it’s much better than his previous film “Saint Ange,” or as I like to call it, “How Long Was I Asleep And Did I Miss Anything Good?”

Laugier (which I think is pronounced “LOOGEY-AY” in French) has really outdone himself with this movie.

The Plot

The movie is about an evil secret society that tortures young women for years until they either die, or reach a euphoric state where they can peer into the afterlife and report the experience.

It’s almost impossible to talk about the plot without giving away major parts, but within the first 15 minutes of the movie, a middle-class white suburban family gets brutally murdered with a shotgun in graphic detail and it only gets way more fucked up from there.

Boobs?

Yes, but by the time you get to see any nudity, the girl’s body is so bruised up that it’s literally impossible to masturbate to, even in slow motion — believe me, I tried. Also, her body was being suspended horizontally face-down at the time, so her boobs hung in a really awkward way.

Now that I think about it, despite the boobs, that scene wasn’t supposed to be sexual.

Edit: I forgot there is a naked anorexic ghost woman that appears in several scenes. I suppose necrophiliacs would particularly enjoy those scenes.

Pros and Cons

Pros: Despite the non-sexual nature of the boob scene, I’m gonna have to list “boobs” as a pro anyway. Also, this movie had lots of blood, a brutal head-smashing scene, a skinned-alive scene, and lots of senseless beatings of women.

Cons: Be prepared for not only having to listen to annoying French language for 100 minutes, but you’ll also have to read subtitles — unless you speak French. And I doubt anyone reading this is smart enough to know two different languages. Subtitles also make it hard to stay focused on important things in the movie like hard nipples and blood.

Bottom Line

I know I didn’t do that great of a job at selling this film — just know that if I get excited enough to put down my heroin needle and actually review a movie, you know it’s gotta be fuckin’ awesome. I don’t hop off the dark horse for nothin’, if you know what I mean.

Martyrs is extremely well-acted and the director did a great job of keeping the viewer on the verge of having a boner and vomiting at the same time for most of the film.

If you don’t watch this movie after reading this article, you might as well go and get a big vagina tattooed on your forehead because you are a pussy. If you’re a girl and don’t want to watch it, I understand completely — but you’d be total girlfriend material if you did.

“Martyrs” has ghost elements, extreme gore, boobs, and by far one of the most unique stories in any horror film. A lot of haters will say “All that violence isn’t necessary,” but nobody complained about all the unnecessary cock in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

If “Martyrs’” violence doesn’t suit you, that vagina tattoo certainly will.

I watched a film called Bad Biology last night, and now I must share the story of its awesomeness with you. Earth would be a better place if everyone bought this movie and learned from it. It’s about a boy with a giant mutant penis and a girl with seven clits.

THE PLOT

Driven by biological excess, a young man and woman search for sexual fulfillment, unaware of each other’s existence. Unfortunately, they eventually meet, and the bonding of these two very unusual human beings ends in an explosive and ultimately over-the-top sexual experience, resulting in a highly entertaining love story. [1]

THE GOOD STUFF (SPOILERS)

Jennifer is a violent nymphomaniac who makes a living as a photographer. Throughout the day, Jennifer gets so uncontrollably horny that she is forced to masturbate — that’s because she has seven clitorii in her vagina and can enjoy seven times the pleasure.

At night, Jennifer goes on the prowl for men at bars and nightclubs. She’s a decent-looking blonde, so it’s easy for her to find a guy to fuck. Occasionally, she will murder them after.

Here’s where it gets weird. After unprotected sex, Jennifer almost instantly starts having labor pains. Within hours, she gives birth to a fully-developed hideous mutant baby. She promptly discards the screaming bloody miscarriages in the nearest garbage.

Jennifer giving birth hours after sex. This happens more than once in the movie.

Jennifer’s “condition” has made finding love difficult for her. Some guys don’t seem to mind her mutant gash, but the constant abortions are a real deal breaker for most. She becomes infatuated with another man when she discovers that he also has a dark secret…

Batz has a walloping mutant zombie penis from the 5th dimension. When he was born, the doctors removed his penis instead of his umbilical cord by mistake and it never really worked right again — until he began injecting growth hormones directly into it.

The injections caused a massive growth spurt in Batz’s member and it gained its own consciousness, allowing it to communicate with him through telepathy.

Each day is a daily struggle for Batz — Man Vs. Meatsword — and his constant need to ejaculate pushes his sanity to its limit. He is obviously not the right combination for Jennifer, but all she can think about is being ravaged by his prehistoric shaft.

Fed up with Batz’s attitude, his manhood decides to detach itself from him and go on a midnight rape spree. Later, Jennifer discovers the detached dong suffering from steroid-withdrawal and juices it back up so she can ride it into orgasm heaven.

Jennifer finally experiences true pleasure for once, but at what cost?

THE “OMFG YES” MOMENT (SUPER SPOILER)

After the final climax, the shriveled, lifeless mutant penis is expelled from Jennifer’s body, and then her labor pains begin. She dies abruptly and everything is silent for a few seconds — until a deformed human-penis baby emerges from her womb and runs away.

The End.

THE CONCLUSION

Vaginas with seven clits, detachable mutant cocks, and human-penis babies — these things are essential to film like beer and porn is essential to humans (men) for a tolerable life. Every movie I watch from now on is gonna suck unless it contains one of those three things — or boobs, obviously. I donated $5 and a copy of this DVD to the Red Cross.

Sources: 1

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