I’m going to cut straight to the point of today’s story: Tiger Woods cheated on his wife.

Pictured below is 24-year-old Jamie Grubbs, a cocktail waitress who lives in Los Angeles — she claimed that her and Woods had a 31-month affair, and then proved it.

Grubbs made headlines today after providing US Weekly with semi-scandalous voicemails from Tiger Woods. In one message, Woods is clearly panicked about getting caught:

“Hey, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone [greeting]? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. If you can, please take your name off that and just have it as a number. Just have it as your telephone number. Okay? You’ve got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.” — Actual voicemail

BUSTED!

The only purpose of this image is to lengthen the article.

Earlier today, Woods apologized publicly for his “sins” and for the “transgressions” that hurt his family, but he didn’t elaborate on any dirty details. I don’t recall exactly how the apology went, but it was something like, “I’m sorry for my sins and for transgressing my penis into that girl’s vagina. And mouth. Oh, and butthole too. K, I’m done.”

Woods’ apology comes exactly one week after being accused by the National Enquirer for fucking a completely different woman — Rachel Uchitel. Those rumors caused a fight between Woods and his wife, Elin Nordegren. That night, Woods somehow crashed his SUV into a fire hydrant and then a tree in front of their house at 1AM.

I’ve heard a lot of people ask the question, “Why would Tiger cheat on his beautiful wife?”

Uh yeah, maybe with twelve layers of makeup Elin Nordegren looks like a princess, but upon closer inspection, she definitely resembles Woody Harrelson.

Tiger WOODS… WOODY Harrelson… wait a minute!

Bonus: Everyone still loves Tiger Woods.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: “He shanked his 9-iron deep into her rough.” — Stuart

“I’m sure there’s more than just that girl hes cheated on Woody Harrelson with. — Kyle”

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Did I ever tell you about the time I almost banged Katie Couric?

I went to a wedding a few years ago and was surprised to find myself in the presence of CBS anchorwoman Katie Couric. After speaking with her for a few minutes, I realized that there was a burning sexual demon inside of her that wanted to be liberated… by me.

After several martinis, Katie’s defenses lowered and she found it impossible to resist me. I, however, wasn’t really feeling it. That’s when she tried to seduce me on the dance floor.

Notice the unmistakable lust in her eyes. That look says, “I want you, Dustin.”

Katie gyrates her hips to the sounds of Lil’ Jon, making multiple references to her bling.

Katie plays “Urinate on the Dance Floor.” Things are getting out of control.

At this point she’s not even interested in me anymore.

With the party winding down, Katie rabidly grinds her ass on all passersby.

I thought maybe I was going to have a chance to bang Katie, but once again alcohol ruins a perfectly good night. Except for Katie, she had a blast.

Sources: 1

Bonus: These photos are actually from the after-party celebrating Couric’s debut as anchor of the CBS Evening News in 2006. They were recently uploaded on Facebook.

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