You want to get married? Fine, it’s your choice (obviously) — just don’t ask for my blessings because I already foresee your future. It goes like this: Kids, Depression, Divorce, Suicide.

Meet Kelly Hildebrandt and Kelly Hildebrandt. Yes, they have the same name, but they aren’t related. At least, I hope not because they’re engaged to be married soon.

24-year-old Kelly Hildebrandt (left) and 20-year-old Kelly Hildebrandt (right).

According to the NY Daily News, the female Kelly goes by “Kelly girl” and her groom-to-be is known as “Kelly boy” or simply Kelly. On Sidecarsally, they’re known as Anus 1 and 2.

One day, Kelly girl searched her own name on Facebook to see if there were any other Kelly Hildebrandts. She came across Kelly boy’s profile and sent him this message:

“Hi. We had the same name. Thought it was cool.” The rest is history.

8 months later, they got engaged to be married. A fuckin’ fairy tale if I’ve ever heard one.

HEY I’M GONNA MARRY SOMEONE THAT I’VE ONLY KNOWN FOR 8 MONTHS BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE SAME NAME AS ME AND WE GET ALONG REALLY WELL, THEREFORE WE MUST BE IN LOVE AND SHOULD GET ENGAGED RIGHT AWAY.

Girls that wear camo hats are destined to be perma-pregnant.

There is nothing sexy about this. At all.

Kendra’s favorite hobby used to be counting the cancerous moles on Hef’s dick, but one day, she came to her senses and said, “I don’t need to live with this old bastard and be supported by him. I can just as easily find a professional football player and do the same thing without having to worry about him dying when we have sex.”

On Saturday, Kendra married Philadelphia Eagle Hank Baskett at the Playboy mansion, while ex-boyfriend Hef watched from the crowd. “Those are my sloppy seconds,” Hef reportedly screamed during the reception.

Only special pigeons fitted with cameras could take pictures.

This is a huge fail on both the bride and groom’s part. Let’s look at the facts:

1) Kendra is only 24-years-old. It is already common sense that 24 is far too young to get married, especially when you’ve lived the party-all-day, suck-dicks-all-night kind of lifestyle that Kendra has. You can’t just quit penile-addiction overnight.

2) Kendra lived in the Playboy mansion from around 2004-5 until 2009, and then got engaged to Hank while she was still living with Hef. Either my timeline is incorrect, or something is wrong here.

3) Hank Baskett is only 27-years-old. In less than two years, he will realize that he agreed to spend the rest of his life with Kendra Wilkinson, who’s only aspirations in life are to show her tits and be provided for. Combine this with the recurring thoughts that his wife used to put her lips on an 83-year-old penis. Eventually, Hank will have a mental breakdown. “I’m sorry, I know I said I didn’t care that you fucked Hef, but I keep thinking about it and it’s just really gross,” Hank will say.

4) Kendra and Hank are already expecting a baby in December. Short relationship + Pregnancy + Marriage = Mega-Cliché.

5) After their divorce, Kendra will take a large sum of Hank’s money and then disappear. She will remarry less than a year later and do the exact same thing to another man. Ultimately, she will win the game of life for being a bottomless cunt.

OK, OK, I’m just kidding. I’m sure everything will work out fine between these two lovebirds. Marriage between young couples rarely goes sour, especially when the bride’s moral values begin at blowing an 83-year-old man in exchange for a free room at the Playboy mansion. Yeah, Kendra Wilkinson knows about love, for sure.

Congratulations Kendra and Hank. Now go fuck yourselves!