RUSSIA — 9-month-old Ali Yakubov is by all means a normal Russian infant — well, except for the fact that sacred Islamic verses “miraculously” appear on his skin every week.

Religious leaders in Dagestan say the verse “Be thankful or grateful to God” appeared on Ali Yakubov’s right leg in Arabic script earlier this week. By the time foreign journalists had arrived, the verse had faded to a single letter. [1]

Nearly 2,000 Muslim pilgrims visit the family’s home every day to offer prayers and look at photos of the verses that previously appeared on the baby.

The child’s mother explained to reporters how her son behaves during these, um, miracles. “It’s impossible to hold him,” she said. “He cries, lifts that part of the body [where the verse appears], his temperature goes up to 105 degrees, and he doesn’t sleep all night.”

Yeah that’s usually how kids behave WHEN YOU TORTURE THEM.

Jesus titty-fuckin’ Christ! This has to be the lowest-budget miracle I’ve ever seen. A Virgin Mary shitting bloody diarrhea that splatters on the floor and turns into snakes is a fucking miracle.

Somebody do this kid a favor and call Social Services, if they even have that in Russia.

Bonus: Ali Yakubov’s father is a police officer.

Sources: 1

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Remember that scene in The Little Mermaid when Ariel got pregnant and delivered her baby 16 weeks prematurely? Everyone thought her baby was dead because it was so tiny and unresponsive, so they held a funeral for it and Sebastian the Crab played the flute.

Maybe I had the Director’s Cut. Either way, this next story is quite similar.

PARAGUAY — On August 7th, a baby was born 16 weeks prematurely. Weighing only 500g (just over 1 pound), its heartbeat and respiratory response were so weak that doctors pronounced it dead and gave it back to the parents in a cardboard box.

A few hours later, the grieving parents went home and opened the box, but their newborn son wasn’t dead at all — he was awake and crying like the average baby, just smaller.

“I opened the box and took the baby out and he cried. I got scared and I said ‘the baby’s crying’ … and then he started moving his arms, his legs and I got scared, we got very scared,” said one member of the family. [1]

Scared? Apparently they thought it was an undead zombie baby, rather than a miracle.

The baby is now back in the intensive care unit in stable condition.

To determine if there was negligence on the part of the medical staff, the hospital has begun an investigation. “OK guys, which one of you said the baby was dead? You’re fired.”

True Fact: Preemies really do taste better than normal newborns. You can pull their arms right out of the socket and the tender meat slides right off the bone.

Sources: 1

This is the face of a very lucky 14-year-old girl boy who was struck by lightning on Wednesday. He wasn’t lucky to be struck by lightning, obviously. “It was a miracle that I survived,” says Austin Melton.

Austin Melton, not Taylor Hanson.

Austin was struck by the lightning bolt in a Central Oregon school parking lot moments after making a sarcastic/ironic statement: “Someone said ‘that’s scary’ and I was like ‘not really – what’s the worst that’s going to happen, I’m going to get struck by lightning?’ And look what happened,” he said.

The lightning bolt entered through the right side of Austin’s face and exited out his ankle. Amazingly, he only suffered minor lightning-related injuries. Here’s a fantasy diagram of what happened:

The biggest mystery is how Austin’s sweatshirt was shredded by the lightning, but his beautiful hair remained almost completely undisturbed. He’s been growing his hair for two years and plans to donate it to Locks of Love. Psh, stupid! Just kidding, that’s a really nice thing to do.

Austin reminisces about lightning and how awesome he is now.

Some of you are probably wondering how a person can be struck by lightning and survive. Believe it or not, most people actually survive lightning attacks. The people who die are usually extremely allergic to lightning bites. You can be tested for lightning allergies at your local doctor’s office. Call them for more details.

Bonus haiku:
Young Austin Melton.
Struck by molten bolt. Lightning.
Austin ain’t Meltin’