88-year-old Biagio Sciscione may look old as fuck, but — well, he is. But don’t make him angry; You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

NEW JOISEY — Last Sunday, Biagio and his wife were relaxing at home in Jersey when they heard a knock at the door. It was a woman claiming to be from a local church. Like any elderly couple with nothing better to do, they invited the woman into their home.

(The woman wasn’t really from the local church)

As the Scisciones chatted with the guest in their kitchen, three thugs quietly entered the house and stole Biagio’s safe containing valuable jewelry.

Biagio looked out his window and saw his safe being carried away by the thieves. Normally aided by a wheelchair and cane, the old man ran down a flight of stairs to confront the robbers outside. Biagio explains how the violence escalated:

“The guy pushed me; I gave him a sock … a good sock, and he stood there and looked at me. I said, ‘You’re gonna get some more if you don’t drop that safe.’”

“I dropped my cane and I just went in action,” says Biagio. (true quote)

Rather than laughing at the feisty WWII veteran and giving him an adult diaper wedgie, the crooks dropped the safe and ran away. Cowards!

If I was a desperate criminal holding a safe filled with valuable jewelry and the only thing blocking my exit was an 88-year-old man, he would not be on the local news the next day telling everyone how he beat me up; he’d be dead and I’d have some new jewelry.

The Scisciones and other witnesses were able to provide police with detailed descriptions of the suspects. A hair sample was also found at the scene (probably not a pube).

As for his miraculous strength and courage, Biagio credits God for that:

“The Lord was with me,” says Biagio. “I have him here all the time.”

The Lord must have a weird sense of humor: He gave Biagio the strength to scare away four burglars, but he still shits the bed every night and has dementia.

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