The image of “Octomom” Nadya Suleman’s pregnant gut will haunt me for three lifetimes.

Babies aren’t supposed to be crammed in there like that. The skin on her stomach looks identical to a male’s scrotum skin when it’s been pulled tight around a testicle.

After disappearing from the media spotlight for quite some time, Suleman has reemerged on the internet with some surprisingly-decent bikini photos. Decent to the untrained eye.

If you didn’t know the woman in these pictures was Octomom, you’d probably think to yourself, “Damn, look at those titties. I could spill some semen in her vagina, for sure.” Guess what? So could twelve other guys and a horse at the same time.

I hold master’s degrees in graphic design and dermatology — those pictures above are more heavily Photoshopped than the pictures of your dick you send to girls on Myspace.

The same people that did the special effects in Lord of the Rings also edited these pictures.

This is what Nadya Suleman’s photos looked like before they were airbrushed:

Some of you would probably still tap that. Not everyone can have sex without paying for it or settling for the first moist hole they find that doesn’t have a centipede living in it.

Do people even exercise anymore, or do they just improve their Photoshop skills when they want to lose weight? “I look hot in this picture after blending my three chins together.”

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About once a week, I catch myself wondering what Nadya Suleman aka “Octomom” is doing. I wonder how her uterus is feeling and whether or not her 14 kids are getting balanced breakfasts. But most importantly, I wonder when her TV show is coming out.

Octomom’s followers will be excited to know that a two-hour special titled “Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage” will air on August 19th on FOX.

According to a FOX press release, “From the day the octuplets were born, cameras had unprecedented access to every area of Suleman’s life. For more than seven months, cameras documented Suleman, capturing incredible footage, including the private moments and reactions of Suleman’s family, as well as Suleman’s own feelings, doubts and fears.”

Don’t expect a Jon & Kate-type storyline though. The executive producer of the special explains “there’s no host, no narration. It’s really from Nadya’s point of view. It’s her inner monologue. It’s not like a reality show, it’s a lot more inside her head.“

…Because what’s going on inside Nadya Suleman’s head is anything but reality.

Remember though, she still has six additional little shits running around the house and interfering with everything. Ideally, the new 2-hour special will spark a public outcry for the Octomom to be institutionalized and hysterectomized.

As for her kids, forced adoptions all around would be the most humane thing to do. Or maybe a social experiment would be beneficial: Adopt half the children, and let Nadya raise the other half. Compare them in 10 years, and find out how many of them end up in prison.

If you’re happy and you know it, close your vag. *Fap fap*