PENNSYLVANIA — 32-year-old Michael Stankus of Philly was arrested this weekend for using a hidden camera to look up young girls’ skirts at the mall.

A mall security guard noticed Stankus was maneuvering his GAP shopping bag between the legs of unsuspecting girls. When the guard looked inside the bag, he saw a camera held in place with duct tape and cardboard peeking out of a hole in the side.

Rather than coming up with a clever excuse like “I didn’t know that camera was in there,” Stankus admitted his guilt immediately and was arrested and charged with invasion of privacy. Ironically, invasion of privacy isn’t a felony and doesn’t sound nearly as bad what he was actually doing, which is about one step away from actual rape.

Being an upskirt peeping tom hardly seems worth the risk because 90% of girls wear panties anyway. I can just type “upskirt” into Google and get years worth of upskirts in 3 seconds. That is far more efficient than following a group of 14-year-old sluts around Hot Topic all day and having to listen to them talk about Justin Bieber.

But, I guess you don’t get that genuine “perverted thrill” when you’re on the internet.

You can be as clever as you want at hiding a camera, but you’re still going to look conspicuous if you’re a grown man following young girls around and swinging things under their skirts. That’s why hidden toilet cams are the best way to peek at some gash.

Just make sure you have a toilet camera disclaimer to avoid lawsuits.

Sources: 1

MISSOURI — Aside from being shaped like a giant anal wart, Missouri has its fair share of interesting sights to see, for example, 55-year-old Larry D. Booker — he enjoys slathering up his body with oil (baby oil or corn oil, it doesn’t matter) and exposing himself to people.

After being arrested more than once for helicoptering his cock in plain view of nearby day care centers, police are searching for Larry Booker because he failed to show up for a probation violation hearing yesterday. Booker’s probation officer reported that he did not register as a sex offender or enter a court-ordered treatment program.

In prior arrests, Booker told police he was covered in oil because his skin was dry.

This just goes to show how many different unique sexual fetishes that exist: Some dudes expose themselves to unsuspecting women, while others enjoy flashing children. Larry Booker prefers to flash women while they pick up their children from day care — and he likes his body to glisten with slippery oil while he does it.

If Ashy Larry from Chappelle’s Show and the greased-up deaf guy from Family Guy fell in love and had sex, their miracle child would be Flashy Larry, aka Larry Booker.

Sources: 1

Quality Comments: There ain’t none yet!

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ST. PETERSBURG — 53-year-old William Wright had an obsession with masturbating to upskirt photos of unsuspecting women. He would go to grocery stores and scout for female shoppers wearing skirts (this is common in Florida) and then things would get weird.

Wright would slide his foot under womens’ skirts and record their camel toes with a camera attached to his shoe. Unfortunately, most respectable women wear panties under skirts, but the occasional beaver flash on film made it all worth it for Wright.

If you think this is impressive, you should see my toilet cam.

On Saturday, Wright was filming some cooter at a local Publix grocery store when a woman recognized him and called police. They arrived on time for once and confronted Wright.

Authorities found computer flash drives in his pocket, along with a trigger device, and two wires protruding from his pocket. The body of the camera was in Wright’s pants, and the lens was apparently attached to one of his shoes. [1]

He was arrested and charged with voyeurism.

The Japanese are far ahead of us in voyeuristic technologies. Shoe cameras are a thing of the past — perverts stopped using shoe cams once that PSA came out.

All my teenage male readers, I hope you’re taking notes.

Before you judge William Wright and the countless other perverts out there, think about this: Television networks like MTV are the biggest voyeurs of all.

A photo of Britney’s cunt was worth a small fortune before she showed us several times how frighteningly hideous it is. Paparazzis pray for crotch shots like you pray to hit the lottery, and magazines and websites publish them for profit as well.

Besides, without people like William Wright, there would be nothing to masturbate to.

Sources: 1

Bonus Lyric: Wright was catchin’ camel toes with her camera toe.

Quality Comments: “A guy wants to see where I pee.” — Ashley

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Admit it. You masturbate. We all do. We all smack our beavers around like rabid chinchillas, especially you. Don’t look around the room like I’m talking to someone else.

…But that doesn’t make it OK to look at kiddie porn.

ADAMS, MA — Last week in Massachewshits, a police officer was arrested and charged with possession of child pornography. Adams Police Officer Alan C. Vigiard, 45, is accused of masturbating in the Police Department’s evidence room to child porn videos.

Alan C. Vigiard — Imagine him touching your children.

Vigiard denies the allegations, but investigators have uncovered shocking evidence linking him to the crimes (like a video of him jerking off to child porn in the evidence room).

According to state police reports, the pornography included sexually explicit images of both male and female children “clearly under 18 years of age.”

This writer wonders how many young victims of Officer Vigiard are out there. Come forward, young ones. Don’t be afraid. Point on the puppet and tell us what he did to you.

Vigiard is on administrative leave pending further investigation, and his pre-trial date is December 21st — in case you want to stand outside and throw rocks at him. If convicted, he faces a maximum of five years in state prison or two and a half years in county jail.

Bonus: Vigiard has had a wife and two kids.

Sources:1

Quality Comments: “They should castrate the stupid bastard… or maybe shove a firecracker into his penis and ass, and light them simultaneously!!!” — My Mom

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A lot of people know what it’s like to have a creepy neighbor. If you don’t, then you haven’t lived next door to me yet. But I’m creepy in that awesome kind of way. Hehehe. That was supposed to be a creepy laugh.

One teenage girl who isn’t amused by the feeling of an ominous presence living next to her is Jenny Ballhair, from Sydney, Australia. I made up that name to protect her identity.

Jenny was molested by her neighbor when she was 12-years-old. The man fully served a five year prison term, but two weeks ago, he moved back into his old house next door.

Naturally, Jenny is displeased about this.

“When I’m here (at home) I stay in my room and I don’t talk to anyone. Every time I hear the front door it’s like, ‘Who’s there?’,” she said.

You know, I feel the same way whenever someone comes to my door too. One time, I was positive that an army of bloodthirsty midgets were on my porch. I hid under the bed for four days and had to drink my own urine to survive. Turns out it was just a few Girl Scouts selling cookies. Had I known that, I would’ve answered the door naked.

Mmm, yeah I’ll take a box of Tagalongs, and two boxes of Samoas.

No, but seriously, this shit is fucked. What kind of a dickass molests a kid, let alone moves back in next door after being released from prison? Are there no such thing as restraining orders in Australia?

If it were up to me, the perverted neighbor would be castrated and lobotomized before being released from prison. Psychology has shown that sex offenders are generally untreatable. Whatever kind of weird shit arouses a person cannot be changed. A man can’t force himself to give up vagina in order to start enjoying a dick sandwich just for the fuck of it. Your boner has a brain too and it’s way more powerful than the one up top.