*The following article contains cartoon nudity and sex.*

After the extreme disappointment of Heidi Montag’s non-nude Playboy debut in September’s issue, I suspected that Hugh Hefner was losing his grip on reality.

What could be worse than Playboy providing us with content that we can only almost masturbate to? I got it! How about naked cartoons instead of real women?

Entertainment Weekly has reported that October’s issue of Playboy Magazine will feature beloved animated icon Marge Simpson nude in a 3-page spread.

“New Playboy CEO Scott Flanders (coincidence?) says he’s trying to appeal to readers younger than the mag’s 35-year-old average.” [1]

However, Playboy tried to appeal to the younger readers last month by having Heidi Montag as the main feature — but she wasn’t naked. So, rather than apologizing for last month’s tragedy, Scott Flanders decided a cartoon edition would be a better idea.

FUCK YOU, PLAYBOY MAGAZINE.

Unless you’re trying to attract 8-year-old readers, the “younger” generation doesn’t give a shit what an imaginary, animated woman looks like naked (Sailor Moon excluded).

This is 2009 and people are sick of your airbrushed cunts. Half the people who read Playboy probably don’t even know what a real vagina looks like!

Why would anyone spend money on a magazine with half-nude women in it when the Internet provides us with videos like 2 Girls 1 Cup for free?

You wanna know what Marge Simpson looks like naked? I’ll save you some money:

You won’t find this kind of action in Playboy, no sir.

Are you horny yet? How about a little incest?

Not feeling the son-on-mother action? Maybe some bestiality will whet your whistle.

There. Unless you can find me a cartoon of Marge eating Homer’s feces, I believe I’ve covered all the bases that Playboy won’t: Infidelity, incest, and dog fucking.

If you still feel the need to pay six dollars to see Marge nude in October’s Playboy, I can only say this: YOU ARE SAD AND NEED A REAL LIFE.

Sources: 1

Leave your comments below.

When America first heard about Heidi Pratt’s appearance in Playboy Magazine, half the population got massive erections followed by the urge to go masturbate in anticipation.

Or maybe that was just me. Either way, nobody should be excited about this anymore because she’s not even going to appear nude in September’s issue.

Although Heidi appears on the cover of the September Playboy and a 6-page pictorial inside, don’t expect to see any nipples, beaver, or even a bare ass.

“What about her taint? Will she show that, maybe?”

I just said that she’s NOT gonna show tits, vag, or ass, but you ask about her taint?

I’ve seen more nudity in a Sears catalogue. We wanna see your VA-GI-NA.

Here’s the really fucked up part: Playboy not only agreed to show no nudity of Heidi, but they also let Spencer conduct the interview. This is all very rare behavior for Playboy, and nobody really knows why. Does Hugh Hefner have Alzheimer’s or something?

“The body is a beautiful creation. If anything, the reason I didn’t show everything is because I plan to get a few more upgrades,” Heidi tells Spencer in the interview. “I’m definitely not done with my surgical quest,” she added.

She also brags to the magazine that she has 30 orgasms a day, and that Spencer is a “sex god.” No wonder they’re always praising Jesus on Twitter!

Spencer Pratt, acting like himself (a douchebag).

Death, if you’re reading this, please take care of these two a-holes.

You may know Kendra Wilkinson as one of the three main whores in “The Girls Next Door” — a reality show about the pathetic gold-digging lives of three Playboy models and and their geriatric boyfriend, Hugh Hefner.

There is nothing sexy about this. At all.

Kendra’s favorite hobby used to be counting the cancerous moles on Hef’s dick, but one day, she came to her senses and said, “I don’t need to live with this old bastard and be supported by him. I can just as easily find a professional football player and do the same thing without having to worry about him dying when we have sex.”

On Saturday, Kendra married Philadelphia Eagle Hank Baskett at the Playboy mansion, while ex-boyfriend Hef watched from the crowd. “Those are my sloppy seconds,” Hef reportedly screamed during the reception.

Only special pigeons fitted with cameras could take pictures.

This is a huge fail on both the bride and groom’s part. Let’s look at the facts:

1) Kendra is only 24-years-old. It is already common sense that 24 is far too young to get married, especially when you’ve lived the party-all-day, suck-dicks-all-night kind of lifestyle that Kendra has. You can’t just quit penile-addiction overnight.

2) Kendra lived in the Playboy mansion from around 2004-5 until 2009, and then got engaged to Hank while she was still living with Hef. Either my timeline is incorrect, or something is wrong here.

3) Hank Baskett is only 27-years-old. In less than two years, he will realize that he agreed to spend the rest of his life with Kendra Wilkinson, who’s only aspirations in life are to show her tits and be provided for. Combine this with the recurring thoughts that his wife used to put her lips on an 83-year-old penis. Eventually, Hank will have a mental breakdown. “I’m sorry, I know I said I didn’t care that you fucked Hef, but I keep thinking about it and it’s just really gross,” Hank will say.

4) Kendra and Hank are already expecting a baby in December. Short relationship + Pregnancy + Marriage = Mega-Cliché.

5) After their divorce, Kendra will take a large sum of Hank’s money and then disappear. She will remarry less than a year later and do the exact same thing to another man. Ultimately, she will win the game of life for being a bottomless cunt.

OK, OK, I’m just kidding. I’m sure everything will work out fine between these two lovebirds. Marriage between young couples rarely goes sour, especially when the bride’s moral values begin at blowing an 83-year-old man in exchange for a free room at the Playboy mansion. Yeah, Kendra Wilkinson knows about love, for sure.

Congratulations Kendra and Hank. Now go fuck yourselves!