I just spent a few seconds pondering what life would be like if women grew ears of corn at the end of their breasts.

Everyday female life would be drastically different if God suddenly replaced their beautiful nipples with unsightly yellow cock-shaped vegetables.

Women would have to keep their nipplecorns lubricated to prevent them from drying out and shriveling.

Squirrels and other corn-loving animals would be a danger to women who are unable to defend their nipplecorns.

Sleeping women are at risk of having their nipplecorns pillaged by nocturnal critters.

Nipplecorns would have to be removed prior to burning a dead woman’s body, unless you want to be picking popnipplecorn out of her ashes.

Popnipplecorn would a delicacy. Most of the popnipplecorn would be produced in China, but we don’t know why yet.

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Guy #1: “Dude, did you hear about that massive earthquake that happened in Chile this morning? It was way more powerful than the Haiti quake, bro!”

Guy #2: “Holy shit, that sucks. I hope everyone’s alright there.”

Guy #1: “You dumbass, fuck those people — the news is reporting a massive tsunami heading to the coast of pretty much every country in the fucking world, bro. More people are gonna die!”

Guy #2: “Fuuuuck, dude. What should we do!?”

Guy #1: “Let’s turn on CBS and watch the shit smash Hawaii into a million pieces.”

*** 3 HOURS LATER ***

Guy #1: “Ah, that was a great dump I just took. I didn’t hear you shout for me, so I assume I didn’t miss any tsunamis smashing into Hawaii. Any updates?”

Guy #2: “You were in there for 45 minutes — I thought you fell asleep on the shitter. Nah, the ocean level raised a few feet, but that’s it. And what’s worse, they’re calling THAT a tsunami.”

Guy #1: “I guess technically a 3-foot wave can be a tsunami if it really was caused by the earthquake, but that’s bullshit! I can’t believe I wasted three hours on that.”

Guy #2: “Are you upset that you didn’t get to see a bunch of people die? I thought you just wanted to helplessly witness the raw power of nature live on CBS.”

Guy #1: “I’m not a fag like you, man. I don’t get my jollies from stormy weather and butterflies and shit. I like death and people scrambling for their lives while being ripped away from their loved ones by a big fucking wave.”

Guy #2: “You should just hang out at Rosie O’Donnell’s pool in the summer then.”

Guy #1: “Oh snap, you’re bad.”

Guy #2: “Just shut up and fuck me already.”