Today, residents from Michigan to Massachusetts reported feeling tremors from an earthquake that originated near the Quebec-Ontario border in Canada. The quake’s magnitude was between 5.0 and 5.5, and it confused almost everyone that felt it.

No deaths or serious injuries were reported after the earthquake, and the only serious damage reported so far was to a small bridge in the middle of Nowhere, Quebec.

Bob the Bridge — the only casualty from today’s earthquake.

When a person hears the word “earthquake,” they usually think of California, Haiti, or Rosie O’Donnell. Until today, most people didn’t know that earthquakes can also occur in Canada. Here’s an interesting fact: Between 1980 and 2000, 16 earthquakes with a magnitude of 4.0 or greater occurred in the same area in Canada as today’s quake.

The reason you never heard about those earthquakes is the same reason why the media didn’t pay any attention to the recent flood in Nashville — because the victims didn’t go crazy and start looting and killing each other. If a single white child was killed during every earthquake in Canada, you’d hear about every one of them, I guarantee it.

Earthquakes in Quebec are the result of seismic activity in the Western Quebec seismic zone. Without getting too nerdy, there are rifts and faults all over the area, and when they rub against each other, the earth has powerful shaky orgasms. By the way, if you seriously didn’t know what causes earthquakes, I’m amazed that you can even read this.

Earthquakes are the worst because you can’t run away from them like tornadoes. The only thing you can do during an earthquake is to panic and scream “I’m sorry, God! I didn’t know she was only fourteen, I swear!” until it goes away.

“Safety experts” recommend taking shelter under a desk during an earthquake, but you will look pretty damn stupid if it ends up being a false alarm because Rosie O’Donnell was out for a morning jog. Just kidding, Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t can’t jog.

Now that you know what causes Canadian earthquakes and how to “protect” yourself from one, you can tell all your friends and they will pretend to listen to you.

Guy #1: “Dude, did you hear about that massive earthquake that happened in Chile this morning? It was way more powerful than the Haiti quake, bro!”

Guy #2: “Holy shit, that sucks. I hope everyone’s alright there.”

Guy #1: “You dumbass, fuck those people — the news is reporting a massive tsunami heading to the coast of pretty much every country in the fucking world, bro. More people are gonna die!”

Guy #2: “Fuuuuck, dude. What should we do!?”

Guy #1: “Let’s turn on CBS and watch the shit smash Hawaii into a million pieces.”

*** 3 HOURS LATER ***

Guy #1: “Ah, that was a great dump I just took. I didn’t hear you shout for me, so I assume I didn’t miss any tsunamis smashing into Hawaii. Any updates?”

Guy #2: “You were in there for 45 minutes — I thought you fell asleep on the shitter. Nah, the ocean level raised a few feet, but that’s it. And what’s worse, they’re calling THAT a tsunami.”

Guy #1: “I guess technically a 3-foot wave can be a tsunami if it really was caused by the earthquake, but that’s bullshit! I can’t believe I wasted three hours on that.”

Guy #2: “Are you upset that you didn’t get to see a bunch of people die? I thought you just wanted to helplessly witness the raw power of nature live on CBS.”

Guy #1: “I’m not a fag like you, man. I don’t get my jollies from stormy weather and butterflies and shit. I like death and people scrambling for their lives while being ripped away from their loved ones by a big fucking wave.”

Guy #2: “You should just hang out at Rosie O’Donnell’s pool in the summer then.”

Guy #1: “Oh snap, you’re bad.”

Guy #2: “Just shut up and fuck me already.”